More Waiting Still

Well, we've asked DtD and are now waiting to hear his answer. Yes, different but more waiting.

When Sacha asked his for his swimmers, he said that he'll have to talk to his partner as this will impact him (although I'm not sure in what ways he was referring to) and also mentioned we could work out some kind of "visitation".

Red flags waving all around.

Sacha made it clear to him immediately that we were looking for a donation, not another parent. She was pretty surprised about DtD's comment. She thought he'd either want to help us or not, not have his own terms. I guess I've done enough reading on this to realize that of course he could have his own terms.

He's a sensitive guy (as most of those whose sperm we want are) and really values family and so I don't think he could donate sperm thinking he would have no relationship with the child. I see that clearly now. Since we're friends with him, he would have a relationship with the child, as the child of his friends. But that's something he'd just have to trust us on (like we have to trust a lot on too) as we're not going to allow anyone to have pre-arranged visitation. We need to reserve the right to not allow our children to see him at some point in the future should we deem it necessary (can't see that happening).

I think basically what's happening is that he and his partner have talked about having kids and that's even harder for gay men and the only way for them to have a biologically connected child (not sure if that's at issue here or not) is to use a surrogate. So, I suspect that somewhere in his brain he's thinking this is a easy way to become a "parent". So, obviously we won't move forward with him if he's thinking he'll be some kind of parent.

What surprised me more from him is that he plans to tell his Southern and fairly conservative parents that he's been asked, I guess to get their feedback, before making a decision. That, frankly, worries me more. It could be that he just respects their opinions and wants to think through it with them. Or, he could be talking to them because he's seeing this new person as more being part of his family.

So, I don't know if this will work or not. We'll have to see what he comes back with. I still have many concerns. I think using a gay man is more risky, especially if they already want kids. I think using a straight man who already has kids would feel a bit safer to me. Know what I mean?

Well, I'm not sure when we'll hear back from him, but I think I'll move forward soon on ordering a donor profile on the donor I like most at the bank we're considering, should DtD not work out. We're determined to start in January no matter what.