Time

I've been thinking a lot about where we came from lately. I mean where M. and I were a year ago when I was uncomfortable and not working and freaking out because M. got laid off. Back when we still had all those romantic notions of parenthood and mommy-ness. Then the shock of labor and delivery and that tiny little boy who turned everything upside down and shook our world into pieces.

It seems really, really far away. At the time it felt like I would never, ever forget those feelings and experiences and now I just don't really remember that well. It's good because it's hard to be stuck in that state of shock. But it's bad because M. and I have both lost that little baby that we held all the time, the one I blearily fed in the middle of the night, the one that was pulled into this world with is eyes wide open and we just had no idea that meant trouble.

I want that time back. Maybe just a half hour or half day. A little time to have my baby again. Then I'll go back to my pretoddler who thinks sticking his fingers in my mouth is the funniest thing in the entire world and who destroys any order in our house on a daily basis. Because no matter how much I miss my baby, I love the little boy he's becoming.