Biology Matters
We went to visit Dr. G. yesterday for Finn's one year checkup. It was funny because several times Dr. G. refered to some sort characteristic that Finn has as being from M. and myself. Such as his big head...she said "Oh, you both have big heads," and she indicated that Finn's blond hair and blue eyes come from M.
He he.
In so many ways biology doesn't matter. Finn is Finn. He's not some collage of my mouth and DtD's eyes and hair and my coloring and DtD's knees. When I look at him sometimes I see DtD and all the time I see our beautiful little boy.
In so many ways biology does matter.
When you have to rely on outside biological matter to create your family you work hard to discount that reality. You also make a lot of decisions before that child becomes reality and before you are forced to confront how your decisions affect him or her. The biggest one is where they come from.
How do we explain these decisions to our children? Because to them biology is important, or at least our decisions around their biology. Some of us have decided to never allow our children to know where they come from. Would they agree with this decision? Is it really fair to them to decide ahead of time that even if it's important for them to know where they come from, they won't be able to find out? Some of us have decided to be open with either a known donor or ID release. Will this make things somehow better?
We make the best decisions we can. We make decisions around our own fears or around financial concerns. I don't think they are inherently bad decisions but there is no way of knowing the consequences.
We decided to use a known donor for Finn, to allow him access to his biology and to keep the process transparent. I've never wanted to pretend that Finn appeared out of nowhere. But we still land in the same trap. I have great trust that DtD will be responsible and present in Finn's life, but what if I'm wrong? What if Finn grows up and hates who he comes from? What do we do if he strongly questions the decisions M. and I made when we had no idea how they would impact our children? As much as I don't want biology to matter, it will matter to him.
And ultimately biology matters because it matters to society. It matters to Dr. G. who can't stop thinking that Finn is some combination of myself and M. It matters to my mother who wants to attribute every characteristic Finn has so some combination of genes. It's something that will pop up and haunt those of us who try to irradicate it from the equation.
It just matters.
posted by Sacha @ 9:14 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
A lurker who is engrossed in this very topic. We are adopting and our agency mandates an open adoption. Which we are for.
It IS important to know where you come from. My husband was adopted in the 70's and he has no knowledge as to who his parents are, which closes him off from so much vital information.
Why do we, as the parents, get to determine how much of our child's identity they get to know? Yes, as a parent of an adopted child, there will never be those genetic links, there will never be a "he's got his daddy's nose and his mommy's eyes". But he WILL & DOES have his parents nose and eyes, just not those of the parents who are raising him.
So because there isn't anything gentically linking our child to us, do we not tell him WHO he is and what he is made up of?
If it's out of fear that the child won't love you, how selfish. If it's because you don't think they could handle it, you're short changing your childs intelligence.
Wow, good topic Sasha!
Nessa - I think open adoption is really, really cool. I also don't think I could have said it better. Thanks for your response.
Sometimes you don't have a (real) choice, though. Our clinic (the only one in any distance of us) only works with one lab, and that lab has no ID release system in place. If we'd had any choice about the lab, we'd have gone with ID release, but I'd rather have my child with no ID release, and hope we can explain and that she'll come to understand even if it hurts her, than have no child at all.
J, I totally agree with you. Sometimes there are no options, such as your case. And in cases like that parents have a responsibility to explain to their baby(obviously once he/she is old enough) about the circumstances and help their child in any form to accept the circumstances of their creation and that he/she is still of value.
I think no matter how your child is created, when it involves "outside" help, it's going to be important to help the child understand and grasp it.
Good Luck to you J!
We do it all the time; even my very conservative parents comment on "who" Kate got this or that trait from. It's kind of funny. I know they all "know" she isn't biologically related to any of us but we all seem to overlook that. Sometimes i even forget that i didn't give birth. That's pretty weird...
Rebecca (puppymom)
My husband and I like to joke that our dog got some of her qualities from us. He swears she looks like his grandmother sometimes. I was adopted and once in awhile people would make comments about how much alike me and my step-mom look (which made it even funnier) saying things like "You have your mom's eyes, don't you?" We would just smile at each other and she'd say "She does have my eyes, doesn't she?"
Thank you for saying the truth. It does matter. I fear some parents are in for a nasty surprise when their children demand the obvious truth.
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