A Hard Day
Post partum has not been kind to me. In many, many ways. My body isn't what it used to be, not that I had much to lose, but any loss is difficult. I'm sleep deprived. And the best part is post partum has taken someone who has always had a difficult time with emtional regulation and sent me winging off into the stratosphere when it comes to coping with crap.
Hard days feel even harder.
I'm having hard day today. I got to enjoy (ha) being publically humiliated by a doc in front of my patient for no reason other than my expectation that I am a professional who brings perspective and concerns that may be different than his but still legit and his clear expectation that I should just carry out his orders and never question. Yeah, lots of fun.
Then the even more fun (ha) crazy sensitive overreaction from me that included tears and more drama than I ever wanted, where I got to make all the coworkers concerned and once again prove that I am an emotional FREAK.
This is usually followed by a deep desire to crawl into a cave somewhere in the wilderness, me questioning why I'm even allowed to be a participating member of society, deep seated embarassment over not being able to handle things in a non-emtional way. Otherwise known as...
I FUCKING SUCK.
M. brought me back to earth. She knows I'm a freak. She knows it's hard. She knows I hate this part of me yet I still have to function and try to live with myself. She knows me and she makes me feel better and human.
Some will probably tell me I'm whining and have low self esteem and need counseling and heap judgement. This blog is me and I feel that people like me suffer quietly. I don't want to be alone which is why I write this. I am strong and fierce but have so much weakness and there's not much inbetween. I need to find my inbetween.
posted by Sacha @ 1:07 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Thanks for sharing this. I read all the time and I think you are amazing. Your sensitivity and your strength are both gifts and they are both gifts that you are sharing with your son. I'm sorry about the asshole doc.
I can still remember the times a Dr has made me cry at work. It's just awful. I hope you're not forgetting who the bully is...
You're not a freak - you're a woman with a brain, and a voice, (and feelings).
Boy, you are down on yourself. Or maybe I should say a sarcastic, "woman!". ;)
Don't let that anon idiot get to you. Of course this blog can have some negativity. We can't all poop rainbows 24/7.
It's weird how some people feel superior to others just because they have a different job title or income level. Like it really makes them a more valuable human being?!?
Hope you feel better soon. I'm glad M. can carry you across these moments.
I can sympathize as an overly sensitive person. I especially hate being belittled. Sorry about the craptastic day and so glad you have a wife who gets you and supports you.
YOU ROCK. That's all I have to say about that.
C. and i often use the word "freak" to describe ourselves in regard to that "overemotional" state. it really is hard to be someone who feels things so acutely in a world -- especially the work sphere, that often sees feelings as weakness or irrelavant.
we all need more appreciation of our freaky-ness. being closely in touch with our emotions can put us through the mill sometimes, but it makes us more compassionate, whole and loving people.
thinking of you.
tina (rc)
ps just an unsolicited suggestion: have you ever tried the ba*ch flwr remedies, specifically r*escue remedy? or one of the individual ones might be worth looking into and matching up how you're feeling to see which one is appropriate. they're gentle, like home*pathy, and can help to ease situations and move the feelings through. sorry if it sounds too woo woo. :)
Sacha -- I got tears in my eyes when I read your latest entry, because I know too well how you feel. I have a very similar personality to yours, and when I had PPD this time last year, I felt so bad sometimes that I just wanted to leave my desk at work, go into the bathroom and just never ever come out and bawl my head off. You're lucky you have M to help, understand and support you. I didn't have a lot of that in the beginning and it was so hard, because I felt so alone and awful..and felt like I sucked too.
One thing I've learned...and I hope this might help you too...take it one step and one day at a time....and know that you are awesome and better than those (like that idiot dr) who act like their s**t doesn't stink...lean on M...and of course, little Finn...and you know, maybe some "talk" therapy might help? just a thought...not trying to be pushy or anything...but know you've got friends here who understand.
Take care and hugs to each of you,
Tara (formerly from FFriend)
you are so most certainly not alone.
freaks with feelings unite!
you are a strong woman who wears many hats and had a bad day. i hope that the heaviness of yesterday has fallen of your beautiful shoulders when you wake up today.
sending lots of strength your way.
I think you'll find that most people feel like you do some days, it's just that they don't talk about it which is kinda sad as sometimes just talking/writing about it can help in itself. We are often pressured to just 'cope' and to put a brave face on things but it is not often easy to do this and neither should we. Some days suck and we just have to get through them as best we can and hope for a better day next. I think sleep deprevation has a lot to do with it as it is always so much harder to function without good sleep. Is there anyway you could change things so you could get more sleep? Probably a silly question as I'm sure you've probably already thought about this. Maybe you could just have a break and have a night off by staying with a friend and just sleep. I know it's hard with the feeding etc and i know you want to put Finn's needs first, but i know from experience sometimes you have to put yourself first in order to do the best for them. I remember a time when i hadn't slept a whole night for so long and i just had to as I really felt I was at breaking point. My partner was very supportive and i had to just switch off and trust her to have our girl and manage to get through the night as best they could, which they did. Once sleep came, which took a little while as i was worried about them it was such a release and so needed. I felt so much more like myself and was in a much better place for my daughter and partner.I don't want to start a whole debate but the sleep thing seems to have been a big thread through so many recent posts that i just feel for you.
Nic
oops that was me earlier, not angele. :P
I second the sleep deprivation comment. Don't feel like a freak, I think that would definitely be my reaction is someone was nasty to me like that in such an inappropriate situation.
what i think is that you're perfectly normal. a freak wouldn't be able to admit that she'd had a strong reaction on such a crappy day. a freak wouldn't bother getting it off her shoulders constructively by writing about it. cut yourself some slack! you're very courageous to face yourself at this angle.
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