The terrible sin of hope
I admit it. I'm hopeful. And I hate myself for being hopeful. Because it's going to make the crash all that much harder. My chart looks hopeful. I haven't seen even pink-tinged pee yet. Maybe I'm actually...gasp...pregnant?
Maybe NOT.
There's not harm in having hope. We need it to survive. There's nothing wrong with thinking that it actually might have worked and sometime around Thanksgiving we'll have a little one. There's nothing wrong with imagining that maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny life fluttering inside me at this moment. After all, would life be worth living without our dreams?
But hope also hurts like a goddamned mother fucker. It digs at your soul and tears you into tiny pieces. It chips away at your connection with reality. It lurks in the corners of your heart, waiting to pounce and remind you that you are not one of those people who are truly deserving of such things. Only other people are allowed hope.
I haven't figured out a good way deal with the horrid TWW. We have shown an amazing ability to go about a week and a day without feeling insane. I mean, we actually have only 4 HPTs in the house at this very moment. We're calm and in control. Then it comes crashing down. I barely slept last night. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I just want to sit on the couch, rock and bite at my nails.
I want my life back. Now.
I know it will be worth it but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. And for all my whining, I know there are patient and noble souls who go through this for fucking years. Bless you all.
posted by Sacha @ 3:27 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Holy crap. Well said about the hope. It is a motherfucker.
You can't survive without it, yet you want banish it more than anything in the known universe.
But you know what? Even if you miraculously had a hope-free TWW you would be just as devastated with no pink line.
I'm rooting for you. I have hope too, and wil be right there with you if our hope is dashed.
Love you guys.
I know how you feel. I was hoping so bad that it worked this time, but it didn't. It is very hard because we got our first kid on the first try, so we didn't know what to expect when it didn't work on the first try, or second.... Good luck, I hope it works for ya. See even I am hoping for you. Hope is a part of life, if you didn't at least hope it would be hopeless.
I just posed the same question on my blog. How do we manage to hope and yet not be destroyed when we're let down? How can we not take it personally?
I don't know. But it's nice to know I'm not alone in wondering.
p.s. Will you set your blog to produce an rss feed so I can read it with bloglines? Please, pretty please with sugar on top?
I found the wait a lot easier when I was working and distracted (the first time I wasn't working--arrgh!). As far as the hope... I don't know that there are any answers to that one.
Best wishes for everything!
I think it's really important to hope. Whether you hope or not, every cycle that it doesn't work is upsetting, so why not hold on to all that hope and the dreams while you can?
I've also really started to believe in the power of positive thought: I know that I can't will my body to fertilise the egg and get it to implant, but our subconsious mind plays such an important role in controlling our hormones, that maybe if I truly believe that I am getting pregnant right now, it will make a difference.
I've also decided not to temp after ovulation, so as not to get as obsessive as I was on my 4th and 5th cycles. It's working so far, but then I am only 4dpo ;o)
Nietzsche said:
Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.
but really, what is the point of it all if we don't have hope? (um, Cali said that)
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