Seeking Donor Perfection Part IV: The Perils of Friendship

Charlotte has been working through some of the issues brought to the table by a known donor, and especially a known donor who is a friend. While some couples will use a sibling or even a stranger, I think most people who decided to go the known donor route will typically start by looking at their friends, and using a friend comes with some built-in baggage.

A friend most often comes to the relationship through one person in the couple. In our situation DtD came to us through his connection to me. And that connection has remained, although it would be better if we could find a way to equalize everybody involved in our attempt to make a baby.

It's hard.

There are a lot of intimate, difficult things that need to be discussed with a known donor, and when the KD is closer to one person in the couple over the other, the burden of communication falls onto the person with the prexisting friendship. After all, who really wants to talk to someone they don't know that well about when he can and can't masturbate, techniques for increasing sperm count, and good lord, LUBE???

So the balance tips.

It's natural for the KD and his friend start developing a certain level of intimacy that wasn't there before. It's to be expected given the situation. It's not unheard of for lesbians and their known donors to fallin love through this process. Rare, but not impossible.

Maybe the solution is to keep the KD at arms length. I don't think so. I've written many times how I feel the best way to keep everyone on the same page is to encourage intimacy and connection. The intimacy is not a bad thing, and I don't believe it's a long term thing. I do believe that if not recognized and accepted as a natural part of the process, it can go wrong. It's the LACK of connection that breeds bad feelings and drives people to start responding in inappropriate ways.

Everyone should love everyone as much as is possible. It's the only way we'll survive.

This is why I think it's okay to crush on your known donor. But those feelings need balance. If there is a moment when that intimacy truly starts to threaten the core relationship, all parties should pull back. The person not carrying should be heard and respected. I can tell you from experience that when you're in the grips of known donor craziness, it's not always easy to see that your behavior is hurting the person you love.

While using a friend as a donor seems natural, it's also complicated and sticky, sometimes even painful. And it takes a lot of work. But when it works, it can be an amazing experience for everyone involved.

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Seeking Donor Perfection Part I
Seeking Donor Perfection Part II: The Enemy
Seeking Donor Perfection Part III: The Family Minefield