Making Deals

Sometimes it's really hard to come down after working, which is why I'm sitting here blogging and not sleeping-in like I'd promised myself.

So I've made a deal with no one in particular. And it's not even that good of a deal.

One of our nurse managers has cancer. I'll call her Marge.

It's not the nice kind of cancer that you can spend a few months feeling sick and nasty from chemo then move onto being a cancer survivor. It's the nasty mean kind of cancer that doesn't respond to chemo and doesn't shrink, and scares everyone because you know that your friend is closer to death than you'd ever want her to be.

I told Marge about our attempts to get pregnant the cycle where I started bleeding the day of ovulation. I told her because the only thing I could do at work that day was cry. It was on the day that she found out her tumor wasn't responding to the really-nasty-make-you-super-sick chemo that almost everyone with her kind of tumor responds to. She was the only person outside people who struggle with infertility who I felt could truly understand what was going through. Funny, she's struggling to save her life and I'm struggling to create life, and somehow those two things meet. We made each other feel better that day.

So back to the deal. I know it's a useless deal, but I need to make it. I'm not even going to give up anything in exchange, like eating my vegetables for an entire year or always being nice to my little brother. It's totally selfish and it's only about what I want.

I'm going to get pregnant and Marge is going to beat cancer.

That's my deal. Universe, are you listening?