The Pitfalls of Two-momhood
Firstly, all wonderful thoughts are going out to Mermaid Grrrl, who is having a c-section tomorrow. M. and I are so excited to meet her little Taurus-pig baby. Yay!
Onto early morning, sleep deprived thoughts...
Being a same-sex female couple brings a whole new element to raising a child.
First, Finn has two moms. Good, right? Except he has two trending toward neurotic women who obsess over every little thing he does.
Then there's breast feeding. Although non-birth mothers can lactate, it's a lot of work and M. and I have chosen not to go down that path. That means that Finn spends a lot of time attached to my boob. Good, right? Yeah, it's good, but it's also challenging at the same time. It can take me a couple hours from the time I get up before I can get the boy off the boob and get some breakfast. Then I get ten or twenty minutes and he's wanting to feed again. Most of my time is spent feeding, feeding, feeding. This means M. has to wait around to spend time with our boy. This inequality sucks, especially when we've worked to hard to make things equal between us.
It's strange because we have a fourteen year long relationship and with the arrival of our sweet baby, things are changing. Luckily what isn't changing is our ability to talk to each other, to work through issues, to find compromise and a way through things. And the love between us never wavers.
It's hard, folks. I'll probably be called whiney again, and a train wreck, but it's hard. It's good, it's fun, it's worth it...and it's hard. I can see why so many people end up being dissatified with their relationship a year after bringing a child into the mix.
posted by Sacha @ 3:42 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I can relate. It is very hard because you both want to take on the mothering role but when one is breastfeeding, the other can feel left out. I know that in some aspects, Angele's heart wasn't completely into getting the breast feeding to work for me. I know it was hard for her, having tried to induce lactation for so long.
Couplehood is hard in those first weeks. We have only been able to enjoy each other's company more recently. Romance, etc. is hard when the baby's always demanding your time and energy. And then with the co-sleeping... I think it's important to enjoy your time together when the baby moves into his/her own bed. And I do believe "dates" are important too. We hope to take a baby-free date in May. You still have to work hard on your relationship but it does get easier when you're getting more time to yourselves and a little more sleep. ;)
I don't think this is whiney, or whatever - it is very real.
One thing I can say at ten months that I couldn't say at one or two - it does change. In the beginning I was just the boobs. Beth did diapering and bathing and that quickly progressed to story time before bed as well. It was a while before I did a bath and even now I am rarely the story reader. But once Hannah was more into a rhythm of further spaced feedings Beth was able to escape for a bit with her and I got baby-free time. I could also pump enough for her to leave for 3 hours - giving a bottle while out. And though we are not working on weaning, as Hannah nurses less frequently I actually find that I am the one who has to work at getting special things I do with Hannah because I suck at most of what Beth has really established over the past ten months. I don't think we are perfectly equal by any means - but with less frequent nursings it has changed quite a bit.
I have been crap with comments lately- but I wanted to WAVE and tell you how much I love reading about you guys as Mommies.
xo
This is very interesting and one way I guess that same sex parenting is different. Because although breast fed babies spend way more time attached to mother's than fathers, I think father's (even the ones who are very involved)expect and understand that without the frustration. Whereas with two women there is twice the maternal urges and both have "grown-up" expecting to "mother" their babies. I am gald you are able to communicate and I am sure as Finn gets a little older and stops cluster feeding, you will work out a system that you are both happy with. Can't wait to hear about it!
And can I say again how unbelieveably cute he is. I mean really, he is amazing.
Your relationship will certainly change. It has to, because you are not only a couple now, you are a family.
I think it is great that you are trying to be equal to your son, but your little boy will have different relationships with each of you. Think about it, do you love any two people in exactly the same way? Is your relationship with one person exactly the same as it is with someone else? It is okay to have different roles/relationships with your baby.
Things will settle down, you'll get used to your "NEW" normal life. It is tough to adjust to adding a whole new person to your family!
I know I'm late to the party, but I wanted to pipe up as a "non-bio" mom of a breastfeeding 10-month old.
In a book by Rhona Mohoney, she talks about there needing to be "affirmative action" for fathers in order for them to "catch up" on the bonding that happened during pregnancy. I think this applies to non-bio moms as well.
Things that worked for our family during the first few months:
1) if the baby was not feeding, I got dibs on the baby (that's only about 25% of the time anyway)
2) babywearing for the non-bio mom--a non-nursing soothing tool that we still use.
3) Time alone with the baby for both moms, but especially the "non-bio-mom" (which you are already doing!)
Like you, we also decided for me not to induce lactation, but later (at about 2 months) our daughter spontaneously started comfort nursing with me, and she still does. It's much less pressure than inducing lactation and has been a great addition to our relationship.
Hang in there!
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