Crying it Out
I was going to put this in the comments, but decided that it deserves a post of its own.
M. and I will not put Finn in his crib (where he never sleeps anyway) to cry it out. This is our parenting decision. I understand that advice to leave him to cry is well-intentioned, but it's not something we will do. It's very important to us that Finn know we are there for him.
I realize that M. and I are able to coparent 24/7 at this time, which makes it easier to always soothe him and attempt to meet his needs. I know when I am home alone with him that there may be a time when it will be safer to put him down crying then continue to attempt soothing him. But putting him down crying isn't something we intend to practice on a regular basis. And, even if we were going to practice cry-it-out, this shouldn't be used until AT LEAST 4 months.
Now it's time to feed the boy.
posted by Sacha @ 4:05 PM
21 comments
21 Comments:
I agree with you. I will admitt that I never let my child cry. I took is a little too far when I was rocking him to sleep every night. When we got to nine months he wouldn't go to sleep for us after continual rockings, feedings, you name it we tried it. At that point -9 months old- then I was ready to try the Ferber crying it out method. It was hard *really hard* at first. But after only one night of continual going in his room, then coming back out, he fell asleep on his own. Now at 15 months he goes right to sleep on his own in his bed in his room. BUT, at the age Finn is at I would continue to do what you're doing. At least it's not happening all the time. One night is doable. You're doing a great thing!
We have NEVER let Phine cry it out. We have always gone and soothed her when she cries. When she was little we did put her down awake, let her squeek a little and gave her a chance to put herself back to sleep when she woke up. However, if it turned into crying we were right there to comfort her.
And now she is a great sleeper and napper. Most of the time (unless she's teething or sick) we put her down, she flips onto her side and goes to sleep. And she rarely wakes up during the night.
So I totally believe you can have a good sleeping without CIO.
We never leave Seth to cry. For a start there's no point at all under the age of 6 months because they don't have the cognitive ability to cry on purpose just to attract your attention, so all crying is done because they have a good reason. Poor little man was distressed about something!
Even when it's hard to do it I think attachment parenting is worth it. We try to mix up the ways we put Seth down to sleep so he's not too used to one way only. Sometimes we'll rock him to sleep in our arms, sometimes we'll hold him and bounce on the ball, sometimes we'll swaddle him, put him on his side and pat him, sometimes we'll put him down quite awake into his little rocking chair and just sit next to him and rock it gently. He will always feel that going to sleep is a safe and pleasant activity I think because of this. He always kows that we are right there and doesn't have to feel frightened or abandoned. And so will Finn! You're doing a great job girls and your son is lucky to have you.
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (by Marc Weissbluth) was a lifesaver in getting our kids to sleep - highly recommend it!
We don't let Rowan cry it out either. It has never felt right for us. She has gotten into the habit of throwing fits when she is tired (crying, screaming, pulling off the booby) and when she does that, Heather will take her and rock her to sleep while she is still crying. But we're holding her and she knows that we're there for her and eventually will cry herself to sleep. When she is this little, I want her to know that she is safe, loved and she can count on us for anything, putting her to sleep by herself while she screams doesn't seem very nurturing to either of us.
at 8.5 months we've just started letting our girl CIO, and she is down to 3 minutes of whimpering and then out like a light for the night. Beforehand, I would get up and nurse her 3-6 times a night, and my boobs just couldn't do that anymore. It was hard, and I'm glad we waited this long, but my maternal sanity was also at stake. I totally condone attachment parenting, however, and until two nights ago, felt really strongly against CIO.
All the self-righteous anti-cry-it-out stuff is hilarious... you're just *so* much more caring, enlightened parents than the rest of us. Yes, it's definitely much better for the child to have no ability to soothe himself -- that will turn out really well.
And enjoy having a child who thinks the entire universe revolves around him. Good times.
Once again, our decision to not use Cry It Out is a parenting decision. There no us versus the rest of you and there is no one right way to parent. It's useless to debate parenting decisions.
Dear Mean Anonymous Person:
I have a 22 month old. And boy did we struggle to get her to sleep on her own. We struggled to get her to sleep at all. We were against letting her cio. We have no problem with other people choosing to let their children cio, but it was not for us nor for our child. For 17 months we rocked her to sleep every night. For 17 months she woke up several times a night crying for us and would require more rocking to get her to sleep.
For the last 4 of those months she had a chronic ear infection that was consistantly misdiagnosed. Once we took her to an ENT and he recommended ear tubes, and the surgery was completed, our child began sleeping through the night and it wasn't long after that before she was able to put herself completely to sleep. Now, when it's bedtime, even if there are interesting people as guests and the last thing she wants to do is sleep, she still goes to bed quickly and easily.
My daughter is and always has been a very independant child. If she hurts herself she shakes it off and keeps going. Her confidence and self-possession has been remarked upon often by doctors, strangers, and friends. Moreover, for a 22 month old, she's incredibly considerate of other people's feelings; if someone exclaims in pain she rushes over to make sure that they're ok. If she hits someone in frustration (as toddlers are wont to do) she says she's sorry and tries to kiss the person better.
She does think the world revolves around her -- because she's 2, and this is how she's supposed to think. But she's aware of other people's emotions and that those emotions deserve care and attention. She's going to grow up to be a very confident, but very considerate child.
Would she still be like this if we had let her cry herself to sleep? If we had ignored her pain and distress would she be learning that someone else's pain and distress are something that should be ignored if it interferes with your own plans and sleep? We don't know, because we didn't make that choice. We made our choice, and we are the only ones who can question that choice because we are the only ones who were there for every minute of that crying, every minute of those long, sleepless nights. But I can tell you that our choice did not result in a selfish, spoiled, unable to soothe herself child. Raising a well-adjusted child is much more complicated than letting them CIO or not CIO.
If you don't like the tone of Sacha's writing, if you don't approve of her and M's choices in raising their son, if what Sacha writes leaves you feeling defensive and insecure enough about your own parenting choices sothat you feel driven to leave nasty, mean comments without leaving an email address or a name or a url, then stop visiting this site. You have that choice. HAve some self respect, your actions shame you.
Wow! Wow, wow, wow. Trista, that was inspirational. Thank you so much for saying all of that.
Go Trista!
And for anonymous number 1, I think you did the right thing for your family because you began when your child was 8.5 months which is a totally appropriate age to try CIO if its your decision to. But to think to attempt something like that on a child younger than 6 months is misguided.
anonymous #1 here -- I could not have let our girl CIO any early, and it still breaks my heart. But mommy sanity is worth a lot, and I'm finishing my dissertation and need the evenings. She has been sleeping much deeper. I sincerely support any parenting decisions people make (even if I don't agree with them), and think everyone needs to respect the choices people make as parents...
Wow! I just wanted to say that I so appreciate hearing about your journey with Finn -- your honesty and compassion for him as a wee one.
I'm sorry that folks/someone felt it was okay to bash your personal decisions in this space.
Peace and be well,
megin (from mdc)
"...there is no one right way to parent. It's useless to debate parenting decisions."
****
"But to think to attempt something like that on a child younger than 6 months is misguided."
???
There may be no one right way, but there sure are a lot of wrong ways.
Both of my children were sleeping through the night by 6 months -- 5 in the case of my daughter. (If they're sick, of course, all bets are off.) We never let them cry for more than 10 minutes, but I know if I hadn't let them cry for those 10 minutes I'd have been one crazy sleep-deprived mama for months longer than I needed to be.
I think attachment parenting and self-righteous refusal to use CIO ("I would NEVER let my child cry... NEVER-NEVER-NEVER") is "misguided" (or just plain silly). But hey, it's a personal decision. Everyone is free to screw up their children with the latest faddish parental technique of the moment. That's what so great about America!
FYI what you are describing is not Cry It Out. Cry It Out, otherwise known as the extinction method (coined by Weissbluth himself) is putting a child in their room at 7 pm and not returning until 7 am, leaving the child to fend for her/himself.
No more than 10 minutes is the modified extinction method (Ferber).
Studies looked at all the different sleep methods and evaluated how they work. They concluded that CIO, modified CIO, implementing NO sleep strategy (my personal favorite)...all of them worked equally. No one was superior to the other.
I'm glad modified CIO worked for you and you felt comfortable with that choice. I feel quite comfortable with our choice to soothe our son when he's tired and needs to go to sleep. Once again, both are parenting choices and the only truly wrong parenting choices are the illegal onces. Last time I checked neither leaving your child to cry or soothing you child to sleep were illegal.
BTW and FYI, Finn is currently sleeping through the night and has been since about two months. Sleeping through the night is medically defined as five hours or more, which he routinely does. I'm seriously not concerned about his sleep. He's just a very stimulated little boy right now who is having a hard time settling at night and needs his mommies to help him through some rough waters. And we're not going to do that by leaving him to cry.
I agree Sacha. That's what we do with Riley and she has been self-soothing ON HER OWN since she was at least 2 weeks old. We can now at 4 months put her in her crib fully awake and she will put herself to sleep. ALL because we did not let her CIO. We didn't even leave her to cry for more then 1 minute. Now at 4 months old we can tell the difference between a cry and a whine. When she whines we don't just pick her up we talk to her. Reasure her that she is ok, that things are good and try and destract her. If she cries we pick her up and hold her. But our daughter, because of the NEW methods, does not cry for no reason. There is always a reason even if it means they just want to be held. It's not about self-soothing or dicipline at this age. It's about their security and self-esteem in development.
I think it's interesting how some people are afraid of progression. Things change, GET OVER IT. We sleep our babies on their backs now. When my sister was young it was on the stomach and when I was a kid it was on the side. When my kid has kids it will still be different.
Sacha continue the great path. It's what we are doing with Riley and it works. It really does.
Hi, I wrote the original comment and firstly i wanted to apologise for suggesting crying out to you as Finn is so young. I honestly got muddled up and thought he was a little older. I would certainly not advocate leaving a child younger than 6 months to cry for more than a few minutes and i would not use any CIO methods until after 6 months. It's been very interesting reading all the comments and i certainly do agree that parenting choices are up to people to make themselves and that there are definately no right or wrong answers. I would just say though that the hardest two lessons i have learnt in the 28 months i have been a parent are these:
1. I cannot be a parent 24/7 - i need to share with others (primarily my partner)
2. I am not always right!!!
The first one took some time but after several months of major sleep disruptions i was a wreck!! I was not a nice mummy all the time as i was too tired and to be honest emotionally unstable. I need my sleep to function well, as does my partner who works. As my little girl got bigger i could no longer nap through the day and she was becoming mobile so i was physically knackered. We made the decision to try crying out because we tried everything else! Atfer three nights she wnet to sleep on her own and could settle herself in the night. It was truly amazing and to be honest worth having to let her cry for the three nights as since then i have got my sleep (bar periods of illness and teeth!) and am a much happier and nicer mummy.We have learnt that we all need space - including my daughter who never liked fuss or over stimulation and actually takes herself of to play on her own at times now. We also need space as ourselves. I look forward to some time on my own to re-fresh and recharge, even if it's just a walk to the shop and back.Another example - I really didn't want to send my little girl to playgroup. I had this image of her always being at home or out and about with me and helping with the housework at some times (and DIY before i start another set of comments coming!!)What a joke!! She hates the hoover and cries everytime it starts and as for helping - if that's what emptying drawers and generally making a mess of whatever i'd tidied - then she was a super help! we therefore made the decision to let her go to playgroup once a week for couple of hours so i would have time to sort the house out while i was awake enough and not shattered after a day of toddler chase! L absolutely loves the playgroup and has made some lovely friends and i feel much better knowing she has a clean and tidy house in which to play. So it's worked out really well, even if it's not a decision i ever thought we would make. We also need time as wife and wife! We had stopped talking about anything other than baby stuff and forgot about why were together in the first place.An odd night out here or there really do wonders!!
On the second point this has been the hardest. I am not always right!! There I said it! I had so many opinions and beliefs about what we were going to do as parents and it took a long time to realise the books and your own opinions aren't always right. I think the key to parenting is to actually be flexible and not make hard and fast rules too soon as babies change and what suits them or you at an early age will change. Babies are not all the same and you can't follow a manual. You have to give things a try and see how they work If they do - great! If not then try something else but don't beat yourself up(or others)about the choices you/or they make. We are all human and make mistakes. What matters is that our children and us are happy with our lives and love each other the best that we can!
"Sleeping through the night is medically defined as five hours or more..."
Sorry, I should have specified that my definition of sleeping through the night was not the medical definition. In our house we define "sleeping through the night" as actually sleeping through the night, i.e. the kids get up at a time such that the parents are also ready to get up and function as normal human beings throughout the day. (For me, about 7-8 hours. But obviously we put the kids to bed before we go, so it's about 10-11 for them.)
Anonymous#2:
Wow. Are you sure you are getting enough sleep? You seem awfully defensive. Your messages have a distinct sense of hostility to them. You have no business calling Sacha, or anyone else who chooses not to let their child CIO, "SELF RIGHTEOUS." Give it a rest already. You've made your point. I suggest you find a blog where others, such as you, enjoy indulging in conflict and adversity. There are plenty of them out there. Sacha and Megan created this blog to share their experience. I have known Sacha most of my life and I can tell you for certain that she has been civil in her responses to your rancorous remarks for the sake of the rest of us who truly want to just hear about what's new in their lives. So find someone else to pick on. Enough is enough.
Sacha - sorry, I had to get my two cents in...I find I'm still a bit protective and I don't like chicken-shit anonymous attacks. You and Megan are outstanding parents, and I am so happy for you and so thankful that you put this blog together. I absolutely relish being able to follow your journey.
Take care, Sacha and Megan
Love,
Traci
My goodness! Sacha and Megan have been sharing their journey of parenthood and have invited all of us to have a peek. Do you get invited to someone's home and then insult it? NO! Why would you think it is appropriate then to critisize their parenting skills?
Sacha - Finn obviously has 2 very loving parents and is a very contented little boy.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
PS - Our baby is almost 6 months old and can self-soothe for naps but not at night. But that's what we are here for!
Hee, hee, I knew this was going to be a hot subject when I saw your post. I completely agree that parents need to find what works for them. For some, it's CIO, for others it's modified CIO, etc. Our DS has always been a pretty good sleeper (well, until he started teething), so we've never done CIO. Who knows what we'll do if/when #2 comes along? I think it depends on the baby's personality as well as the parents'. You two seem to be doing a great job and are really enjoying the process. I think that's wonderful.
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