The No Factor
Finn has a mad illicit love affair with the space heater. He wants it. We don't want him to have it. So we say "no". Well, we don't say no because we don't really like to use that word. Instead we've decided to say "stop". It goes like this...
Finn crawls toward the space heater. Stop. Finn fingers the space heater. Stop. Finn looks back at mommies and wonders what all the fuss is about. Stop. Finn licks the space heater. STOP.
stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
I'm starting to see how parents default to yelling no all of the time.
We're starting to think about discipline. We're not there but the time is coming and I want actually be effective and discipline in a manner where Finn understands the consequences of his actions. The BIG problem...this point probably won't come until he's around five years old. What do we do until then? Say "stop" with no effect until the word becomes meaningless and M. and I become those parents...THOSE PARENTS...yelling "stop" or "no" or whatever, over and over and over to absolutely no avail.
It's really hard.
I know we won't do time outs. I am still dealing with the feelings of abandonment and isolation my own experience with time outs left me with. Sorry Super Nanny, no Naughty Bench, Mat, Corner, Bin or Pillow for this family. M. and I are looking into a method called Love and Logic that looks like it's congruent with our values as parents.
In the meantime, we moved Finn's beloved space heater where he can't reach it and spend a lot of time redirecting Mr. I'm-Not-Redirectable.
posted by Sacha @ 8:51 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
I use a lot of the Love and Logic practices in my classroom. For kids that do not come form a L&L home, it doesn't make sense to them. For example:
Them: "Can I call home to get a new pair of pants, mine are all muddy from playing at recess?"
No: "No. If you play in mud, you are going to get muddy."
Natural consequences teach them lessons very quickly.
Oh, I also use the Nurtured Heart approach, by Howard Glasser (not THE Howard Glasser). You might want to check it out.
I am not familiar with Love and Logic but I will keep an eye out for it.
Along the lines of saying "stop", you may also want to tell him something to do instead. Natalie's obsession is outlets, and I have found that some of the time it works to tell her , "Hands down," instead of no, stop, or that's dangerous, which are the other parts of our litany.
Regardless, it's REALLY frustrating and I commiserate completely!
I have to say that I LOVE writing this blog. I get such good ideas from other people. Parenting should never happen in a vacuum.
I like "hands down".
Such good ideas.
We do a modified time out (same space as us) because SAYING anythign makes her giggle and lunge for it. We do a LOT of redirecting. If she's doing something potentially dangerous (at least once a day) we do raise our voices and get close to her, forcing her hands away from whatever it is. And for non-dangerous but deffy forbidden we sit her down where she is and say "no___" or some simple 2 word thing. And then when she finishes the resulting tantrum we re-state "no ___" and say, "say sorry" and do hugs (ala supernanny - lol). H can actually say sorry so that is part of it.
I haven't read L&L but sounds like we are doing some of that where we let her experience some of the safe ill effects of her choices and say things like "when you throw your food the dogs will eat it and then it's all gone"
Distraction is definately one of the best techniques. Discipline changes as the children grow. It definately comes into it's own once they can understand more and talk and begin to understand consequenses a bit more. It's a fine line though -sometimes you have to pull the no card, but i think you're right not to over use it. A positive approach is of course always preferable ( i say this as a parent and as a kindergarten teacher) but don't set yourselves up to fail. It is impossible to be positive 100% of the time, everyone becomes confrontational or shouts at some point. We're only human and children can be incredibly hard work and will not always do as you wish!! I think the discipline thing is hardest of all (even above sleep and eating!!) as it is the one thing more than all the others people have an opinion about and the one thing that is hard to be consistent with when you're tired, in a rush or just fed up of distracting for the 100th time!Working out together your preferred methods and the reasons why you wish to parent in this way is what you will do i'm sure from reading your past experiences. Good luck!!
I was down in the conference room and when Phine got near the baseboard heater she would blow and wave at it like she does with hot food.
Later I found out that Mia was teaching Phine that the heater is hot. Very funny.
It's so hard when they are this little but I think about all we can do is move stuff out of their reach. It's the age.
I used Love and Logic and loved it -- enough that I actually became an instructor for a few years. I started it when my kids were older and I had to undo a lot but it was still the most effective method I found and believe me I had a couple of kids that really liked to push the buttons. Elizabeth
I see why you wouldn't want to do time outs. We do them and they are in the same room with us while they serve their punishment and it's a minute per year. This started when they were a bit over a year. It works well for us. Having toys taken away works okay too. I look at it like you have the option to discuss logic to a child who doesn't understand what that is, take toys away, time out, or spanking. I'm sure you'll figure something that'll work for your family. It's hard but something that should be decided on soon. My 13 month old will walk away when I call her name, she'll hit her sister, thrust herself on the floor, and sometimes screams. Poor behavior starts at such a young age:)
There is a great book by the La Leche League-- Adventures in Gentle Discipline, by Hilary Flower.
That sounds like it would go along with what your desires are:)
We are reading a Love and Logic book and I have to say that a lot of the methods are the same as Supernanny. They do use a time out room when necessary. And Supernanny never raises her voice, gives the children options, etc. The only difference is the warnings and putting the parent in a situation to get upset (i.e. repeatedly putting a child in the corner). Anyway, it's interesting because a lot of these techniques are the same. We're using Love and Logic ourselves.
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