Birthday Present Guilt
I admit it. I love presents. I love getting them. I love giving them. With Finn's first birthday party in less than a week I'm feeling really, really guilty about the whole present thing.
Etiquette dictates that one shouldn't state "no presents" on an invitation. I realize this is done regularly so it's not some huge social faux paux, but M. and I have always been strong followers of etiquette. The reasoning is that one shouldn't dictate to their guests how they should observe any particular occasion - wedding, birthday, anniversary, etc....
Being someone who LOVES presents, I hate "no presents" because it robs me of being able to show that person a tiny bit of love. As an example, our BFF KMBKH just got married and she and her husband are having a reception and have stated "no presents". Wahhhhhhhhh...I want to show my life-long friend how much we love her and support her marriage. I want to give her a present.
At the same time gifts hit me hard in the self-esteem department. I'm not worth gifts so while I love them I often feel embarrassed by people's thoughtfulness and not worthy.
I'm so FUCKING neurotic sometimes.
I witnessed the 10 Barbie doll birthday craziness during my niece and nephew's fifth birthday. It was insane and I don't want Finn to turn into a kid who just expects presents. And while we haven't dictated "no presents" for his birthday party, it truly is the thought that counts so I bring an attitude of gratitude to any gift people bring, and hope to pass that onto our son.
I don't know how to make myself feel okay or if I'll just always feel a little anxious and unworthy about birthday party gift giving. Maybe it will feel a little better over time. One of the only ways I've found to make me feel better is we will provide favors. It's one tiny way to say "thank you".
posted by Sacha @ 1:07 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I always worry when I make an invitation for an event that people won't come because they have to have a gift...some sort of social (mis)understanding. So, I'm one of those "no gifts" kind of people. C just had a birthday and her invite said it. I never want people to think they are invited because we hope for a gift. And when invitations I receive say that, I take it as such...and bring a gift if I want to. To me, it gives people an option. To me, it says "it's okay to come without a gift".
Regarding Finn's birthday...I personally wouldn't be able to show up without something. I'm glad you brought this up though...it CAN send a message to the child to expect gifts on special occasions. I never thought of it an issue of respect for the party-giver's wishes. I thought of it as a courtesy to the party-goer.
It's so hard, especially with little ones, because people want to buy gifts for little tiny people. It's just too fun and the stuff is too, too cute. My guess is that even if you said, "No gifts," gifts would come anyway. Then you'd get gifts AND comments from annoyed gift-givers.
We were never excessively showered with gifts as kids, but we were raised by my grandmother in her very 1950s parenting and weren't allowed so much as to /touch/ the gift until the thank-you card was written. I have fond memories of her offering the wrapped package from so-and-so in one hand, and a piece of paper and a pencil in the other.
To this day, I still send thank-you cards for my birthday and christmas, and I send thank-you cards on behalf of my kid. Once she can read and write, it's my turn to offer the paper and pencil. I can't wait. It's very important to me.
I think one way to counterbalance the gift receiving is to teach Finn to be a thoughtful gift giver. If he spends time really thinking about what gift he would like to give to people for certain occasions, I think he will appreciate the gifts that are given out of love rather than obligation.
i wholeheartedly agree with jude. wonderfully stated.
also, changing verbiage can help: 'no gift necessary' is a lot less final than 'no gifts'. shrug, maybe?
in any case, i am so excited about finn turning one!
I don't think you should worry about it. Birthdays = presents. Children will always get gifts for birthdays - it's just up to us to show them to respond by being polite etc. When they are older they can decide if they wish to have gifts or not. I think it's up to people to decide if they want to buy/give a gift for a persons birthday and the birthday person shouldn't be the ones to worry about it. I don't mean to sound greedy, i don't expect people to buy/give me or my daughter presents i am just thankful when they do. I think it's cool you think things through but just enjoy Finn's 1st birthday, it's a real special time and one you shouldn't be worrying too much about!!
Nic
Nic
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