Deconstructing the Nuclear Family Paradigm
A question was posed on one of the many chatty parenting lists that I'm on about dealing with people's reactions to the revelation that your child is parented by two moms. Not the bigoted asshole reaction that many of us live in fear of, but the "oh, sorry" reaction. We all know it, the moment of horror when the person talking to you realizes that their foot is firmly entrenched in their mouth and they've made a huge assumption about your family.
This is typically followed by a story about another one of their lesbian friends who have or are trying for a child, which is meant to inform you that they really are cool with you.
It's Straight Guilt.
M. and I were talking about this issue and I offered that it was okay to reassure said person that their assumption was understandable and that you took no offense. M. took offense. She said they should feel bad about their assumption of heterosexuality and if we give them an out they won't learn to stop making that assumption.
She's right.
We don't live in the era of the nuclear family anymore. We don't all have a Ford in the driveway and a mom in an apron with dinner on the stove and a cocktail in her hand, chain smoking as she waits for her husband to return from his hard day at work. Our families are diverse and complex. Our interactions in public should reflect this reality.
Many types of families are hurt by the well meaning assumption that there is a mother and a father.
Our families. The ones with two moms. Then there are the two dads. What about kids who are adopted and have to field questions about which parent they received some random biological characteristic from? There are single mothers who decide to use donor sperm. There are single dads. Don't forget grandparents raising their grandchildren.
It's time to change the paradigm of family.
It starts with those of us who are part of a non-traditional family and the way we interact with the world. Do we send a message that it's okay to make assumptions or do we allow people to have their guilt and awkwardness, allow their transgression to sink in a little bit?
We must advocate for ourselves and for our families.
Personally, I'm done telling anyone it's okay in any way to assume that my son has a father in the picture. I will no longer say that it was an understandable mistake. I will simply inform the person that they are wrong and move on. I'm done assuaging straight guilt. That is my small bit of activism.
posted by Sacha @ 8:13 PM
15 comments
15 Comments:
I respectfully disagree. As a gay mom when I get that response I do tell them it is common to assume that other families are like their own- that doesn't diminish my family or tout theirs as a 'norm'.
I know that I get wrapped up in my own 'gay mommy' world and it leads to exaggerated divisions between 'us' and 'them' in my own mind. I think that lessening that gap fosters communication and it is communication, not rigid adherence to some politically-correct-moral-authority that ignores that political correctness breaks down the divisions between people caused by prejudice and stereotypes.
Whether people raise kids alone or in pairs, most families do not have two moms. I don't see anything wrong with a person mistakenly making the not making the connection that 'I might be gay' and 'might' have a partner. How does it make my family any less not to be part of the assumption when we are a statistical minority? I have mistakenly assumed children are raised by parents instead of grandparents and found myself feeling similarly awkward, but I certainly didn't intend, and hope the grandparent didn't FEEL like their family was less. Human communication is messy. Following that logic to the extreme, when we speak to a person we are making the assumption they speak English. Is that 'fair'? Might that make a non-English speaker feel 'less' since there is not in fact a national language? YES. Is it intended?Hopefully not.
Better to communicate respectfully but imperfectly than to not communicate. Political correctness is only useful to the extent that it fosters communication and understanding instead of stifles it.
I also respectfully disagree. I get this response as well, and I think that as soon as the person is told that the child has two moms, the guilt and awkwardness has already set in and there is no need to make it linger.
If everyone were extremist enough to avoid verbalizing their assumptions at all (because we all make assumptions one way or the other), there would be no chance of communication whatsoever.
Don't get me wrong; I'm glad that some people choose to raise awareness in this way, and maybe you and your wife can do it tactfully so that others aren't left feeling ashamed for having voiced their assumption. But I think it's important to keep in mind that we and our families are special, and that times are still in the process of change.
I also disagree and I will move on. I don't need to explain myself.
How would that make you feel if I didn't stop to explain myself because really I mean no harm in saying what I just said?
I believe we have to educate the majorities. We have to stop and tolerate their understandings if we are to lose the Nuclear Family attitude once and for all. That attitude still runs strong in the world and it's still the social latitude we are all expected to follow.
Just last night I was watching the news where an independent study was done about health care treatments and how men and women are treated differently. Two cases (a man and a woman) presented to 66 different doctors who suffered from osteoporosis in the knees. It was found that even though all 66 cases of men and women were identical. Only 33% of women we recommended for full knee replacement in comparison to 87% for the men. Why is there such a difference?? Because sexism still runs rampant thru our society and it always will unless we choose to educate and inform. Therefore I believe your job as a parents and a said minority is never over. We will continue to fight and educate for the next generation just like the past generation did for us.
You can choose to label it as “Straight Guilt” and fight everything tooth and nail or you can accept the fact that not everyone knows how it is to be gay. Not everyone is given the opportunity to grow up in a house were there is education about minorities and not racism.
I have to say that your last paragraph bothers me a lot. With the responsibility of activism comes the responsibility to educate with truth, compassion and above all else communication. You’re right my daughter will never have a father in her life but to deny her the fact that she has a sperm donor would be unjust. It took another person to allow her to be with us and we can never deny her that gift and knowledge.
How do you think you got the right to vote? It sure as hell was not by saying “You’re wrong” and walking away and that’s not how we are going to break our family boundaries either.
I will respectfully request that anonymous posters leave their name. There is no way to disable just anonymous comments without forcing everyone who comments to be registered, and I feel that violates the openess of this blog.
When three anonymous comments come in a row and they sound so similar, it's easy to start thinking that they're the same person. I'm working on checking IP addresses.
I also wanted to address the last comment about being open about having a donor. I don't know how long you've read this blog, but I consider myself one of the most open people about having use a donor out there. We have a known sperm donor for the very reason of being open. We are planning for Finn to know where he came from and who he came from from the beginning. I'm quite confused about this even being something to discuss in the context of my recent post.
And activism certainly is education, but it is also living our lives with an expectation of equality. If we don't behave as if we deserve equal rights, we will never have them. This means expecting people to not make assumptions of heterosexuality rather than telling them that their assumptions are understandable and okay. Yes, they have no idea what it means to be a sexual minority in this country, but many have no idea what it means to be a woman, or a person of color, or disabled, and none of that justifies ass backwards assumptions made about any of those groups.
Equality starts with ourselves and our own expectations. And that is activism as well as gently educationg the masses.
It's definitely a tough issue and can be quite uncomfortable. It's good to educate people.
I definitely never realized how many people would automatically refer to me as "mom" when I was with my foster sons. Of course, they didn't know what kind of issues it created for my older foster son or the embarassment it made me feel by him firmly saying I wasn't "mom". And then of course I couldn't respond to these people because I feel the boys have a right to confidentiality as to them being foster kids.
Like you said, there's so many different blends of families out there and unfortunately a lot of people just aren't educated.
My name is Emily and I am the author of the first response posted. My idiocy in not using the 'preview' option and several editing errors is one of several things that differentiate mine from the others- sorry about that.
Do you want us to all be the same person because we think differently from you? I have been reading the blog for a few years and think you have lots of great things to say, I just strongly disagree in this instance. Thank you for your courage to post about your lives in such a public manner.
I really do think that people SHOULD have their eyes open to all of the different types of families out there, and I don't just mean queer ones. Perhaps I have a broader range of experience than Jane on the Street because I worked in child welfare (so it was common to have foster families, kids raised by relatives, etc.) and saw a greater variety of families on a daily basis, but I don't think it takes a special gift or special experiences to broaden one's horizons about families.
I think that the majority of people (even queer people) will assume, when seeing one parent with a child, that the parent is a bio parent and that there is another bio parent of the opposite sex somewhere in the picture. Is this right? Of course not - assumptions like this definitely carry flaws. But the truth is that at least 8 times out of 10, the assumption is correct and the person can move along on his or her merry way.
It's the "Oh, sorry, I have this other gay friend with a kid," thing that bothers me, where someone needs to somehow PROVE that even though their assumption was incorrect, they're still "cool." For me, I don't mind that someone assumes that I have a husband at home who fathered my daughter (although I will state otherwise if it comes up), but I /do/ mind if someone feels pressured in some way to "be okay" with my family. Because I don't really need the outside validation.
I totally get what you're saying here, Sacha. Keep on keepin' on.
I agree with you. And it was inspiring to read this post.
I wrote the second comment above, and my name is Andrée. I fully respect your decision on this matter and didn't mean to offend you... Each of us has her own way to handle others' comments and to "educate" others, none necessarily being the "right" way. I just think that since I (a lesbian mom) also tend to assume nuclear family status unless there's a reason not to, it is pretty forgivable to do so.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thank you Emily and Andree. I myself was working hard not to make an assumption that the three comments were from one person...I'm grateful that you gave your names.
Emily - I don't write anything here with the expectation that everyone will agree with me. I have plenty of forums to fill my need for an echo chamber and don't want my blog to become that. Plus I learn from the dialogue that my posts sometimes cause, and it's always good to learn. So please continue to read and respectfully disagree.
Jude Exactly. I don't think I could have said it better myself.
Lastly to the third anonymous, your deleted comment still came through on email and truthfully I have a huge amount of respect for you. I would hope you feel free to post under your name and I do consider you a friend, even if you disagree with my pain in the ass assertions about life. :)
Hello! I don't know if my blog account will work anymore because google tends to hate me so I will say right away that my name is Jennifer and I live in Minnesota. I'm also a heterosexual mom married to the father of my child. What is making me comment is two things. One, I can totally see myself making the mistake and the stupid follow up comment about assuming a mom is heterosexual and then trying desperately to look cool (as Jude said) by bringing up how many homosexual people I know and what I know about them. It actually made me chuckle because I'm that dorky heterosexual. :-) I have known many gay folks over the years, mainly in my places of employment (in MN you can't work in healthcare without knowing quite a few) and I loved the perspective each and every person gave me over the years. Sadly I did not know a single couple that was trying to have a family (as most of my friends were from the early 90s - is it safe to assume this wasn't something pursued as much then? I don't want to sound ignorant, I just don't know) and sadly today I have no gay friends but I would love to. And I think that is where the dorky comment would come up.
I was thinking about what you said though and I guess I would naturally assume a heterosexual couple when talking to someone. This is the second reason I wanted to comment. What I don’t assume however is the ‘mom and dad are married’ stereotype. In my world view there are not many families out there that do fit that mold – I immediately do not assign a role to the father of the child as it can be so complex. Take my sister in law (my husband’s sister). She has one daughter whose dad is in prison and then the next 4 kids are all the same father who she just recently married. After the kids were born. If I’m talking to a parent alone with a child I typically use wording like ‘oh and the child’s other parent?’ rather than ‘and your husband?’. But I will admit that I do assume heterosexual. Sadly I know of no in real life homosexual parents with families – I would love to – but I don’t know how to find any. My son is 3 next week and I hope I can educate him to like everyone. One of his best buddies right now is my cousin who is downs syndrome. I don’t say that to be cool – I just think it is great that he isn’t experiencing the typical suburban MN whitebread population. I just wish I had more outlets for such experiences for him.
One thing I love about the internet and blogs in particular is that I can read life stories from *everyone* and just learn so much from different life stories than mine. So even though I cannot experience real life gay families I can at least read and appreciate them and add to my education which will help my son be a better person. At least I hope so.
Now if I could just get him to be tolerant to my mom’s dog I’d be all set!
Thanks for having a blog I can read and appreciate.
Jennifer
I don't comment often, but had to voice my agreement with you, Sacha! I'm many things that are 'out of the box,' and I've long ago given up the idea that *I* should need to go out of my way to make other people feel better about their ignorance. It doesn't necessarily mean being rude. (Although I have to say that I'm not afraid to be rude when I feel it's called for, either!)
And anon #3--What exactly is wrong with 'fighting tooth and nail' against ignorance and prejudice?
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