Words Matter
Now that Finn is getting old enough to get what we're saying and start the process of saying things back to us, M. and I have been thinking about what we're saying and what it means. Not the obvious profanity stuff but the meaning behind the things we say on a day to day basis. M. tells me the other day that we shouldn't tell Finn how smart he is. Because he'll internalize it and then think he has to be smart to have our love. But what if we never tell him that he's smart and then he feels like his parents never validated his intelligence???
No more "good job" but "you're trying so hard." Being a studied C- student who has always tried as hard as I could, I know how it feels to constantly try hard and wish that someone would just tell you that you did a friggin good job. It's good to try hard but a person wants to succeed every once in a while as well.
No "good boy" but "being a good boy".
All these rules do is make me mutter under my breath...freakin' good boy smart trying hard good job no being a good boy...AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Limiting profanity is so much easier. I'd rather give up uttering an appropriate contextual "fuck" or "shit" then have to spend every minute being self-concious of the most innocent utterings that come from my well meaning mouth.
Sometimes I think modern parents have way too much time to sit around and think, and to much motivation to perfect the process of raising children. Our words matter but how much do the matter? And does it count that Finn is snuggled and loved and M. and both think he's got to be most fantastic kid in the ENTIRE world who we will nurture and gently guide through this world even if we also tell him he's a really, really SMART GOOD BOY?
Until what sometimes feels like an inevitable moment of therapy induced blame M. and I will work to make sure Finn always knows that we love him and support him exactly how he is. If he wants to tell me that he always had to live up to my expectations of intelligence I can only answer back that every parent thinks their kid really is that incredible.
posted by Sacha @ 1:27 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Yes Yes Yes!
I could have written this post myself...!
Thanks!
I could have written this post, too. I remember as a child not wanting to disappoint my parents and this has driven me, not in a bad way.
Having a daughter, I want to make sure I don't tell her how pretty she is all the time. I'm afraid of having her value looks too much. I want to tell her how smart she is and hard working, kind, etc.
It's a tough world out there and as parents, we want to make sure out children can handle it.
I feel your frustration. Having had our 5 year old for 3 months now, we've just figured out (duh!) that she's got low self-esteem. And paradoxially, praising her too much was making it worse. So we've had to go to neutral observations, questions about how she thinks she did, neutral reactions to failure, success and frustration, which is incredibly hard to do. She's an accomplished athlete already, deeply competitive and crazy-focussed on 'winning' at everything. It's hard not to say 'way to go!', and instead say 'I saw you trying really hard out there.' But as counter-intuitive as it all feels, it's already beginning to decrease her frustration-based meltdowns.
Let's just hope the therapists are right, is all I can say.
I just have to say, I disagree completely with the idea of never saying Finn is smart or good or gorgeous. I mean no disrespect to your ideas and thoughts on how to help Finn navigate his world, but it's not your job to be his friend. It's your job to be his parents. If you don't tell him that he's smart, he'll have a hard time identifying what smart is.
Your values will become his values until later in his life when he is better able to decide things for himself. One of the "leading authors" on this is Alife Kohn. He believes that by telling your child they did a good job you are placing your values on them, thereby negating their own personal set of values. Thing is... kids don't have values until you as his parents teach them to him.
I hesitate to bad-mouth, but once upon a time I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Kohn's family, and I have to say that his daughter made me so sad. She didn't know how to have fun, she was constantly worried about the world and didn't understand her place in it. She couldn't negotiate social situations, not from a pathological (there's something wrong) place, but from a simple lack of motivation. Nothing was fun or good or wonderful about her world because no one had ever told here what fun and good and wonderful were as concepts. She had no friends, wandered aimlessly around the playground and preferred to sit on the bench and watch the other people who were out living life.
It sounds like when you believe in your own instincts you know what to do with Finn and how to behave. Tell him that he's wonderful and smart and gorgeous and that you believe he's the best person in the world, because you two are going to be the voices in his head... and wouldn't you want a voice in your head that always tells you how amazing and excellent you are???
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