Happy Birthday to...CHOMP
Finn has had his very first bite-another-kid moment, and it was a doozy. Let me set up the scene.
Meet Elijah. He's sweet and just turning one year. It's his birthday party and he's in the middle of opening his gifts. Finn, the only other kid there, is "helping" him. M. and I are sitting across the room watching when M. notices that it appears that Finn is biting Elijah on the arm. "What is he doing?", M. wonders because Elijah isn't making a peep. 30 seconds later...
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Finn didn't just nibble Elijah. He didn't simply threaten to bite. He clamped down and BIT Elijah's arm.
M. and I have been preparing for this moment. Finn's a terrible teether and he bites us when his teeth hurts. It was only a matter of time before a peer got near Finn's hurting little teeth and I guess Elijah's plump little arm was just too tempting. We whisked Finn across the room, M. went and comforted Elijah and I held our squirming little boy. No yelling, no chastising, no overreaction. Just removed our little piranha and apologize profusely.
The worst part was hours later when I glanced up and realized that Elijah had eight little teeth-shaped bruises in the shape of Finn's mouth on his forearm. What a lovely birthday present.
Oh well.
posted by Sacha @ 6:27 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
You didn't chastize or verbally correct your sons behavior?? And you think this is "good" parenting?
Simply removing him from the situation just takes him away...it doesn't let him know why he was taken away and it doesn't help him learn not to do it again. That and the other little boy should learn that Finn has a consequence for biting him...yes he can't play with him right away any more...but he needs to know that verbally Finn has a consequence identified to him.
You aren't doing him or anyone else any favours by not telling him that its not okay, and telling him why its not okay. It won't scar him for life to hear "Finn we do not bite other people. It hurts and its not nice to do it." That addresses why he was removed, what he did wrong and why its not okay. Otherwise you're going to have a spoiled brat with no manners and social skills on your hands...no wait...on everyone elses hands. And arms, and legs...
I agree with brown eyes. If you knew he was teething and biting others because of it, it would have been better to be right at Finn's side, observing him closely, ready to intervene if needed instead of across the room. You say you were preparing for this moment? How? It would have been better to put this knowledge to use by attempting to prevent the biting from happening in the first place. "Oh well" indeed. "8 little teeth-shaped bruises". I would have been livid if Elijah were my child. poor baby. This did not have to happen.
Okay people, Finn is 14.5 months old. Anything I said to him at that moment would have been an exercise in futility because he was in a lot of pain. AND if I had indeed reacted and chastised him, all he would have learned is that biting gets attention from mommy and mama. That is not something he needs to learn.
We did the absolute best we could considering the circumstances - truthfully we were in a bit of shock. Our child is not a biter and I did not expect Finn to bite except the inevitable fact that toddlers hurt other toddlers. It happens. Finn has regularly sustained bruises because he actually gets picked on somewhat often by his toddler peers. AND we're not LIVID when that happens because IT HAPPENS.
The best thing we can do for each other as parents is #1 not judge and #2 support each other in the fact that our kids are exploring their emotions and reactions to this world and that exploration will include hitting and biting on occasion.
I fully expect Finn will be able to understand a verbal discussion of his behavior at 18 months and beyond and will start those discussions as is appropriate. This is because M. and I are paying very close attention to his development and changing our responses accordingly. Nothing drives me more crazy than uptight parents yelling "share" and "gentle" at their young toddlers and expecting behavior that is way beyond their capabilities.
And yes, I KNOW this good parenting. My happy well-adjusted kid is fantastic proof.
Its not about judging or supporting, its about right and wrong. And I beleive in talk ing to my kids about everything(age appropriately of course). When we're shopping I talk to my kids. And when I hand them something I say Please and Thankyou and I say "No you shouldn't do that" because if you grow up hearing it it becomes second nature. Its not drilling it in, or "rewarding bad behavior" its correcting behavior and establishing guidelines.
And of course the kids going to be happy and well adjusted...life's going his way. And obviously as you stated before...you kid IS a biter. You knew it was a matter of time, and you've had it happen before...and...
Freedome to experience and grow is great...it helps make a well rounded human. But guidelines, rules and manners are what make up the other part.
As ever Sacha I appreciate your honesty in this blog. Too many people write what they think we want to hear or what they think makes them look good. Real parenting isn’t like that.
My boy is a week younger than yours & I first stumbled across your blog when we were both on an ‘april due dates’ forum. I’m facing similar biting issues with my lad and as he only has 1 tooth so far I can’t claim that teething is the cause. It’s a difficult one but I suspect only the first of many ‘behaviour problems’ we’re going to face as parents.
I am the mother you hear saying (not shouting) ‘share’ and ‘gentle’, perhaps I have more faith that my 14 month old is beginning to understand what I say and will modify his behaviour. 2 different approaches and I expect neither one of us is right or wrong.
I’m happy to share honestly how I get on and I hope you continue to do so too.
All best wishes
I respect your opinion, but I truly believe that your 14.5 month old should start hearing from your guys things like, "We don't bite other people, No." Yes, he's getting attention, but it's not like you're jumping up and down shouting, "Atta boy!" or screaming "Wahoo!"
Tell him no, then pick him up and remove him from the situation. Kids that age aren't as intellectually inept as we think they are. When my daughter was that age, if she did something wrong, I would tell her no, and remove her from the situation. Of course I would have to do it a lot, but she'd get the idea sooner than later.
I'm sure he was overwhelemed with the urge to bite if he's teething, but he's got to know that it's not okay.
Yes, accidents happen with kids, and a lot of times they cannot be prevented. But with things like biting, teething or not, it's not okay to bite another person.
I hope you're not offended by what I wrote, but I am a firm believer that a child is never too young to hear positive things from parents, such as gentle, or share, and the word no.
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