Parenting Breaks Your Heart

M. and I have gotten through what has to be the worst day ever with Finn. It's teething. It's hell. Our boy has been fussy, crabby, crying and uncomfortable all day. But that's not the worst of it. He's been impossible to get to sleep for naps and then bedtime arrived.

Ohhhh, bedtime.

It was bad. Screaming. Digging his head into the covers. Nursing, nursing, nursing until my breasts are raw. Then nursing some more. Biting because his teeth hurt. Screaming more. Eyes red rimmed, begging us for some relief. And a car ride and more drugs 3.25 hours later, finally asleep.

There are no words for how horrible and heartbreaking and sad it is to watch your child in pain. I feel like I got a small glimpse into what it must be like to have a chronically ill child and I don't know where those parents get their strength. Except that being a parent brings what feels like a rod of iron through your very soul and you know that however difficult the road ahead looks, you will get through it for your child.

Because you absolutely have to.

At some point as we were driving Finn up I-5 in a desperate attempt to get him to sleep M. declared that she just couldn't handle it anymore. I know how she feels, but I also know that she will handle it, I will handle it and we'll keep going. Because that's what you do.

I swear Finn breaks my heart every single day and today it feels like it's in about a billion pieces. Somehow I manage to pick them up over and over again.