Don't Go There

The egg is out the gate. M. won't let me give it a name, but if I were to name it, I would call it Slick. Why? Because it's the phoenix, rising from the ashes of our previous TTC. It's a rebirth. It's the Rebirth of Slick, which is an awesome song from one of my favorite albums ever.

I'm very busy Not Going There.

I remember our very first ever cycle. It was crazy making. We hadn't figured out that we were most likely NOT pregnant yet. We were sure that we were. Every little twinge, every little urp, every little slightly strange movement of my body was a BABY. And here we are again, and I am determined, intent, to NOT GO THERE.

It's been pretty funny.

M: I've been burping a lot.

Me: Don't go there.

M: I have really bad heart burn.

Me: Don't go there.

M: It's a full moon.

Me: Don't go there.

M: I'm breathing...

Me: DON'T GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell ya, it's hard not to go there. Any little thought I have about the fact that we might be pregnant, we might have another baby soon, we might need baby clothes and bottles and sweet little diapers, I just shove it back into the dark corners of my mind.

I think it's because I know this is really our last shot. We don't have the money to do a lot of interventions beyond an IUI. And we now KNOW what it means to have a child, and we know that it's not all wonderful, and we know it's going to mean not sleeping again and being tired and cranky, and we know it will probably last for a year. We know it will hurt Finn, even if it's a good thing, it's going to hurt him, and that is the last thing we want to do. We know this will stretch our already stretched finances even further.

We know this is a big fucking deal.

So I'm promising myself that this time I'm going to make it through this without feeling like I'm on the edge of breaking down. This is why I'm not going down the road to Crazytown. I swear.

My heart tells me that we'll get pregnant and my mind tells me that if we don't, we'll be okay.