Getting some Perspective

I have something to say outside TTC, but I want to talk about one thing before I move onto that.

After the last cycle I felt like there was a black ball of anger sitting inside me. I lost all perspective on what we were doing. I no longer felt that the time it was taking us to get pregnant was okay and I was bitter and pissed and fucking angry that we hadn't gotten pregnant that first time.

Then I had my review.

I've never had a good review. I've learned that the world doesn't make room for sensitive people, that there are a lot of people in this world who are intent on tearing you down for no reason except to keep their own self perceptions up. I've learned to incorporate negative feedback, to take it seriously, to thrive on it and make it into positive changes. I've also learned to take a box of tissue into reviews because I know I'll cry. It's that bad.

I forgot my box of tissue for my review. I didn't need it.

They love me. They are so happy I came to work on my floor. My review score is 3.5/4.0, high for a new grad. I was dumbfounded. And proud. For the first time I worked hard and it was recognized and rewarded. Man, I kicked ASS.

I have perspective again. I could never have made it through being a new grad nurse if I'd gotten pregnant right away. Getting through those first six months really took everything I had in me and I know that my job would have been the first thing to be sacrificed if I was using everything for a baby. Everything happens for a reason and I clearly needed time, so my body and my life gave me some much needed time.

How I love my job! I've never loved a job as much as I love this one, even with all its negatives. And that tells me that I'm exactly where I need to be. Getting pregnant will be the same.