Mother Ship
All of my passive aggressive co-dependent tendancies and inabilities to set boundaries have set off an emotional atom bomb between me and my mother.
It all started because M. and I decided we are simply not ready to take Finn to my parents house. My parents 40th anniversary is coming up and my mother decided the only thing she really wanted was to throw a party and have her friends meet her grandson. A perfectly reasonable request, except that her grandson is still little, can't handle being passed around too much and is prone to mid-afternoon meltdowns at the moment. There have been several occasion when we've had to cut our activities short and go home because we had a inconsolable crying boy on our hands.
So I said "no" to the anniversary party.
I said it in the nicest way possible. I told my mother that I love her, that she's important to me, that I want to find a way to honor my parents relationship but just not in the way she was wanting. None of it went well. My mother dug in because she simply could not accept that she was not going to get her way. Her desire to have her grandson has trumped her desire to be my mother and she has a completely inappropriate sense of entitlement when it comes to Finn. All of this led to her being shockingly nasty as she did her best to hurt me over and over again.
I managed not to break down until I got off the phone.
I can't express how much I don't want this situation to exist. I just want my mother to somehow inately understand how to respect M. and myself as new parents. I don't want to have to set up boundaries with the one person outside M. who has the power to really hurt me. I want to run away and hide.
I can't. If I do, I end up hurting the one person I'm trying with all my heart and soul to protect: Finn. We're parents now and what is in Finn's best interest MUST come first. There's no way around it. Which means I have to be strong enough to establish something that I have avoided like the plague with my mother...boundaries.
Space is what I need right now and I'm taking it. No contact with my mother until I figure out what to do, what our expectations are. I've already been accused of keeping her from her grandson and of having a post partum mood disorder. After some reflection I've come to realize that she is resentful that I am Finn's mother and not her.
And M.? Well, she's just my helper in my mother's eyes.
Fun stuff. Not.
What a horrible welcome to the transition from child to parent.
posted by Sacha @ 5:46 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
maybe you should go.. have a break!- do something other than baby
& let her see how grumpy he gets..so u can say tol u so!!
Hooray for you for setting up boundaries. It's REALLY REALLY hard.
As for what to tell them? I usually said things to the effect of: "Her DOCTOR doesn't want her to have exposure to more than her immediate family right now / she's just got off of antibiotics / her immune system isn't ready for big crowds yet," etc. etc. etc.
I'm sorry it's so hard. It WILL get easier.
Man, that stinks. I'm glad our mothers live in far-away states so that we don't have to deal with this sort of thing with any regularity.
Good for you for setting boundaries and for taking care of your son. She will get over it, and she's going to have to suck it up and realize that you are not KEEPING her from her grandchild, you are RAISING her grandchild.
Ummm, I know I live in Canada and all, but do we have the same mother???? lol
I'm 8months pregnant, and this type of thing is already starting with my mom and me. I swear when I read what you have said about your mom, it's like I'm reading my own thoughts.
Please know that you are not alone in this battle!
My mom has already bought a play pen (the EXACT one that I wanted), a rocking hourse and a car seat, for HERSELF, for me??? So far I have a few stuff animals and teethers. However, it's not the stuff, but the love and attention. Like you, I wish she would be more excited to be my mom, rather then a grandma.
You did the right thing, boundries. Now all I have to do is figure out how to set them with my mom! Oh I can already feel the guilt trip starting!!
ok, I have a history of having the WORST boundaries with my mother in the history of mother/daughter boundaries. And I'm telling you that if I can set boundaries then so can you. It's healthy to set boundaries. And it's important to model good boundaries to Finn.
I want to warn you, though, when you first set out to set up boundaries with someone you've never had good boundaries with before, and someone who can hurt you badly, they are going to lash out. They are going to pull out every trick in the book to hurt you to force you back into line. They won't think of it this way, of course. They'll think of it as just letting you know how they feel. Try not to take it personally. Think of it as physics... for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. You set a boundary, your mother's going to push it. Acknowledge that it's going to happen, and create ways to deal with your emotions around it without reacting to her (because she will feed off your reaction and it will become an escalating cycle). One of the best pieces of advice that my therapist gave me when I was trying to set boundaries with my mother is this: The opposite of react is create.
So, create a way around the situation that honors your boundaries and intentions. For instance, you've set your boundary about the anniversary party. Now, you could create a way to honor your parents' relationship that also respects your set boundary. For instance, you could invite a few of your parents' closest friends to a small brunch or luncheon in honor of their anniversary -- make it at a specific time that will suit Finn's schedule and keep it to a number that will be manageable with Finn, as well. If you're worried that your mother will invite extra people without permission, you could make it a surprise luncheon so she doesn't know about it ahead of time. If you're worried about the cost or hassel of setting it up, get someone else involved, like a sibling or your mother's best friend. Just an example. Why do I always write books in your comments? Sheesh, signing off now... write me if you want to talk more about setting boundaries with co-dependant mothers...
If he melts down in the mid-afternoon, why not have an anniversary brunch. If he starts crying, then excuse yourself to a bedroom.
Sacha,
So sorry. I know how torn up you are right now. Your relationship with your Mom always seemed open and "free", to me. I was always impressed with your ability to express yourself and stand your ground. Not that I put much stock in astrology, but...I can't help but remember that you are both stubborn-bull-torro's!
That being said...here is my thoughts/advice/whatever: When Kitsi had Brandon, my parents lives instantly changed. Brand new emotions, brand new kind of love, old, established and outdated parenting methods all colliding at once. They were very impressed with Kitsi's natural mothering instincts, very moved by the instant bond between mother and child. They were also very vocal about how Brandon should be raised. In that aspect, boundaries were an alien concept. It's a whole new ballgame when your kid has a kid, I guess. My parents mellowed out as more grandkids came along. My daughter was their second, and by that time, my parents had begun to accept that they don't necessarily have a "say" in everything involving the parenting of their kids' kids. But, then again, I'm a stubborn-bull-torro too...
Your Mom is in unchartered territory and, unfortunately, you bear the burden of guiding her through it. It's a daunting task, especially since you are in unchartered territory yourself as a new mama. Thank God for Megan. She will be your link to sanity.
It will get better. You are doing the right thing. Your Mom will come around, eventually. It may seem like her affection/obsession for Finn has replaced her affection for you at the moment, but you will get past it. She loves you very much.
Tell Colin to go have some kids! LOL, JK.
With such a gorgeous grandson, can you blame her? I am kidding, and I am sorry your relationship with your mom is so challenging right now, but it sounds like you are standing your ground, taking care of yourself and your family. You are doing a great job as a mom, hang in there!
I read a good book that gave the following advice:
If grandparetns live nearby and have regular contact then set boundaries otherwise it will cause non-stop issues.
if grandparents live away and see you less often then indulge a little as you don't have to put up with things day to day.
I'm not sure how close your folks live but the advice has certainly helped us. My Mum sees us about once a month for a day/two and we let her indulge a little and it works as we have decided to do that and so feel it's our decision. We just try and keep calm and remember it's only for a short time. I do think the love they feel for them is totally irrational and a little freaky but it is also incredibly fantastic as well that our little girl has someone in her life who loves her so much and to be honest grandparetns can be a great source of support and as the baby gets bigger a real help. No-one can be a parent 24 hours a day - we all need time out and grandparents can often give us this through doing baths, feeding etc... When it's all new you can't imagine never wanting to do these things yourself but believe me the novelty of bathtime, nappies and solid feeding does occasionally wear off!!
I don't mean to trivialise your feelings as I know parents can often be quite insensitive and that you obviously feel very hurt. Perhaps you could use this time to compromise but on your terms. If you offer the olive branch it can be on your terms and you can maybe set a few boundaries about the way you want things doing. Maybe you could negotiate a change of time for the party and set rules like if Finn gets upset you will take him away to settle on your own. It could be really great if he is fine and a great time to show him off!! He's such a cutie!! If you set the agenda she'll be happy because she gets her party but you will have been able to set some boundaries and be calling the shots.
Just remember she does love you and she's just proud of you and Finn and wants everyone to share in that.
Hugs to you. Just hugs.
Hi Sacha
I have been following ur blog for some time now. Thanks for sharing!
I agree with traci on this one too. Its the ol' "rock & a hard place scenario". I had the pleasure also of "breaking in" my family re boundaries(with a bull torro mum 2!)Not that it was appropriate for your mum to be nasty, it is clear she is hurt. A brand new grandmother is a force to be reackoned with esp where pride is concerned.It is easy to feel invisible when it seems all they care about is bub, I remember mine always asking how Phoebe was first, before asking after me. You can't take it too personally tho! Believe me there is NOTHING crueller than seeing a grief stricken grandmother missing out on her one & only grandchilds' life either (see my blog).
I wish you well in whatever you two yummy mummies decide :)
I am really sad to read this and I'm sorry you guys are having to go through it.
Misty
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