Spank me, baby!
Or don't.
There's a great article in the current issue of Mothering about discipline and toddlers.
Finn's been throwing fits for a while now. I hesitate to call them tantrums, or to even focus on them, because there is no reasonable way to discuss his behavior and no reasonable way to expect him to be different. He gets tired, we take a toy away and his little hands flail. He gets tired, we put him in the car seat and he lashes out. It's clear he's tired and it's clear he's not coping. Until we can all communicate about what he's feeling and work through how he can handle those feelings, I feel like any punishment for his behavior is inappropriate.
I know, this is surely the recipe for a brat.
The thing is, I don't believe that. This article finally gave me some reality to base this belief on. The author talked about how punishment simply sets up a power play, about how toddlers can't understand adult logic, and how tantrums and acting out are "an explosion of intense feelings that are frightening for a child to experience."
YES!
This is exactly what is happening to Finn. He gets tired and when we take his toy away, he gets angry. He doesn't know what anger is, or what to do with it, so his little hands flail. It's hard, as a parent, to watch your sweet child become out of control. It's even harder to not place judgement on his actions because they're scary.
I think there is SO MUCH pressure to discipline. There is this fear that MY child will be THAT child...you know, the one running around like a maniac, rolling on the floor and generally annoying everyone. Then you have Super Nanny and her naughty bin, with BAD parents put on display for the television audience to gasp in horror at. So the minute our kids get past being milk chugging, sleep sucking lumps and start indicating that they actually have an opinion about the world, our hearts freeze in fear. It's time to discipline.
Except maybe it isn't. Discipline will come. Right now I feel we just have to hold Finn tightly and help him through it.
posted by Sacha @ 8:33 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I can understand your fear of discipline if you think of it as punishment. However, I've always thought of discipline as a daily teaching experience. Not so much that you're job is to scold or physically berate so as to make Finn understand your thinking, but as it's your job to teach him what anger is.
For me, working with a lot of toddlers has taught me that they don't know what anger is... but they learn really fast! What they need to learn is how to deal with the inevitable angers of life and how to be in that "culture of people" that you were just talking about. So, for example, if Finn learns that anger and yelling get him hugs and his toys back, then he will choose this more often. (I'm not saying this is the case for you guys, just an example) However, if Finn learns that when his world is overwhelming and confusing and he gets angry about that, his mommies are calm and loving and help him to reduce his anger and be able to calmly play again, then he will soon learn to control his anger at the small things.
I hope I'm making sense here, I'm not trying to say that Finn should never feel anger, I'm simply saying that through daily learning opportunities, Finn can see that anger, while it does occur, is not the most productive emotion.
Now you're probably thinking that there's not much you can do to help him here.. but that's not true! To start, you're recognizing when he's tired and that's WONDERFUL! What I usually choose to do with kids this age is to work on breathing to calm down when angry.
Say that you take something away from Finn, like the TV remote because he's hitting the cat (or you) with it (again just a random example)... he gets angry and melts down into tears and kicking on the floor. At this point, you can say to him "Finn, I know that you are angry. Let's try to calm down so that we can talk about it. Let's take a deep breath" and then you breathe in and out with great enthusiasm and emphasis on the breathing, trying to get and keep his attention. You keep doing this until the crying and kicking stop and he breathes with you. (believe me, he will, even if it takes a while)... Then, when he's calm, you can hug him and kiss and him and talk to him about how hitting the cat with the remote isn't nice to the cat and so mommy and momma are trying to help him learn how to play with the cat in a nice way. Even if he doesn't quite understand the language yet he will know that when a person is angry they should breathe deeply and calm down before dealing with what made them angry! This is a great thing to know!
I hope that all of this made sense. Believe me, it is possible at this age, it gives you something to do when Finn is upset and hopefully it helps him not to be "THAT KID", you know?
I think it's more about rules and consequences if you break those rules rather than the dreaded discipline. But obviously Finn is so young and communication is an issue. I just think it's something to think about in the future. We're dealing with "different" kids but having a set of rules (and being on the same page as your partner with them) in our house has really helped us out.
Post a Comment
<< Home