Fear
Worrying is a parent's prerogative. That's what my fab wife said when she responded to an anonymous comment left on the previous post.
Totally.
Fear is a strange thing. We all live with it all the time. Then you have a child, a precious, lovely, vulnerable child, and the fear seems to bubble to the surface more often.
I remember when I was pregnant being terrified to ride in the car. All of the sudden the possibility of having a high speed motor vehicle crash was too real. I would sit white knuckled in the passenger seat telling myself that I'd been in the car a million times before, that nothing would happen, that I was overreacting and being silly.
Fear is what keeps our children safe. It's what forces us to parent in an intentional manner. Because we're afraid of what happens if we don't pay attention.
The poster that M. responded to was very critical of my very real fears around my son and drug use. She diminished our son's pain when he teethes. She seems to find nothing redeemable in my thoughts or my parenting style.
I see the end results of drug and alcohol abuse every time I go to work. I work to be disengaged from my patients, to know that my care alone will never save them from addiction, to accept that no matter what the hospital does for them, the ultimate end for most of my patients is an ugly and untimely death.
Now I have a child and every single one of my patients is someone else's child, and someone else's heartbreak. It's hard not to be afraid. If I think about it too much I feel paralyzed. How can you criticize that response to working in the middle of the massive human tragedy of addiction?
Fear can cement you to the ground, keep you in the house, cause you to overprotect and shelter to a fault. I know this. I work hard to let go, even in my thoughts, of my sensitive, beautiful boy. Because if I protect him too much, I ultimately hurt him. And none of this means that my ultimate fears won't come true. If I wasn't willing to take on the risk and do my best to prepare my son for the world, I wouldn't have ever had a child.
I think we all fear for our children and it's natural. It's part of being a parent. I think when you have no fears, no concerns about the ultimate outcome of this amazing project that you're in the middle of, you have the curse of naivety. And that is the scariest of all. That will bite you in the ass.
posted by Sacha @ 4:26 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
personally, i think confessing your fears here helps purge them or at least brings them into the light, where--at some point--they can become less overwhelming.
carry on friend. i'm just growing to know the white knuckles, and it is a strange instinct.
Actually go re-read what I said...I said that he was in massive pain from HUGE teeth ripping though his jaw...that EMPHASIZES his pain...in NO way minimizing it. He is a child...I would never minimize their pain or assume things about a baby. What I was saying is that YOU should not write him off as a wimp or "too sensitive to get through life" person JUST becuase he was teething...meaning TEETHING is a HUGE painful experience...PHYSICAL...not mental and emotional. So...that doesn't depict what kind of person he is going to be.
I have many children and my youngest is just getting his huge ones in as we speak...and if he cries, fusses, is grumpy, miserable...I know how much pain he must be in...and I do what I can to minimize it. Tylenol, hugs, snuggles, breastfeeding, cool clothes, teething toys. But I would NEVER think to assume becuase he has physical pain as a child, that he will be too wimpy for this world. That would be doing him a dis service.
What I do minimize are your parenting skills and sanity if you automatically jump to the conclusion that your son will be a drug user just becuase he cries when he has horrible pain as an infant. You need councelling...you have a very negative outlook on life, and your obvious depression and low self esteem...thats whats going to screw up your son. Not his teeth coming in.
You really hate me for some reason. When I write here I speak thoughtfully and honestly of my personal fears and concerns for the future of my child. If you want Little Miss Mary Sunshine, find another blog to read.
M. said this and I'll repeat it. We have not decided that Finn will use illegal drugs. I'm not sure how I could be clearer, and actually I can't because you have a problem with ME and don't want to see anything that doesn't reinforce your interpretation that I am somehow an inept parent - which I'm not.
I realize the internets are the equivilant of the wild west, but there is a basic community standard of politeness. I cannot keep you from visiting babycakes but I will kindly ask you to at least refrain from commenting in the future. Your voice is not helpful. Discussion is always welcome - although I can't keep people from writing them, personal flames are not.
I have now spent ten minutes of my life writing this to you and that is all I am willing to give. I'm done with this conversation.
I think original anonymous has some issues with people in her life being judged and she's overreacting. That said, I understand your worries about your child being sensitive. I don't even have kids and am not planning to but I already worry about them being rejected in school and all the things that can cause. I think it's a parents' job to worry and just because you're letting your thoughts out here doesn't mean you'll treat Finn any differently.
Either way I wanted to comment to just show that lurkers and people you don't know aren't all going to be extremely negative and harp on comments you make in your blog.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I agree with what anonymous is saying in part but I do think it could have been said with more empathy and less harshly. I also think that everyone does worry about their own children, they know them best, and it is part of parenting. I think it is an important point that you need to be careful not to project your own fears/beliefs about your child too much into their future. You just have to try to be optimisic and remember they do change as they grow. Finn may not always be as sensitive as he is now - but equally he may be. I think that you just need not worry too much and just enjoy whatever life is giving you at the moment. That doesn't mean to be in denial that awful things could happen to us or our children - they do, shit happens, but we will deal with it when and as it occurs, rather than waste time thinking too much about the 'what ifs'. I've been reading ths blog since Finn was born and I don't always agree with what I read or comments that people make but one thing is for sure Finn has two mommies who love him very much and it is important to be reflective and about our experiences as parents and I appreciate the honesty and thought that Sacha and M. put into their blog.
Nic
I do not hate you. I don't know you. I only know what your write here. And yes it IS your own blog and you ARE entitled to your own feelings. BUT you, as a parent, are not entitled to pre-judge your child, and "set him up" for a negative life. I would actually think that with your life choices that you've had to make, that you'd realize that when you assume something about someone it may not really be true. How would you feel if someone said "because you're a lesbian you are destined to suck at life" If enough people said it...especially your own parents, you might start to believe it. But in reality it would/should be "your a lesbian, now you offer a unique outlook on life", or something like that. Being a lesbian isn't a handicap and neither should being sensitive. I understand that over sensitive people CAN have difficulties, but they can also go on to do some wonderful, amazing, giving things. My husband and I would choose to believe that my sensitive child will go on to be like Mother Teresa, or a sweet and understanding parent. As a mother I understand the fears and worries related to children. Its scary for sure. But if you go into it with the attitude of what can go wrong will go wrong...that you are setting them up for failure. Even if you never say the words to him...he can sense your attitude and thougts. Sensitive children are also amazingly intuitive.
I agree...too much time has been spent on this topic. But I hate to think that any mother is setting their child up for negative self esteem. Finn is his own person, and I hope you stop projecting your own insecurities onto him. He will grow up to be the man he is meant to be. I hope he is sensitive...it will help make him a good father one day. It will help make him a good husband. It will help make him a good friend. It will make him a good person.
Yikes! Just wanted to let you know that someone over here in the Wild West of the Internet gets what you meant in these posts. And shares these sorts of fears. I think that most parents have to believe that all those "Other" homeless/addicted/troubled/suicidal/etc etc etc teenagers and adults are the product of bad parenting and very far removed from their sweet little babies bc it is too painful to face the reality that most of them were/are someone's sweet little baby very recently. Sorry that you can't explore the pain of that reality here without the drama...
I wonder if the orig anon has been reading your blog much. I feel like she doesn't really "get" your personality the way some of us have gleamed it from your writing, or get that F. shows many indications of being sensitive aside from the obvious pain reference.
I read your blog because so often I am able to read my own thoughts and feelings articulated well on the page, and gives me something to think about for the future of my 5 month old daughter.
Why does orig anon read if she just gets angry?
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