Girl Boys and Boy Girls
M. and I recently ran into a friend who I will call Heidi the Hippy. Heidi has a son, Hippy Spawn. We were sitting on the grass at a local park, watching the kids play when Heidi called little Hippy Spawn over to her and I realized that the girl I'd been watching playing, the one wearing spandex pants and a sparkling halter top with long, golden locks, was not a girl after all.
HS is five. M. and I were discussing on the way home that it was not Heidi imposing some sort of gender bender dress code, but a choice that HS made himself.
I've always striven to be honest here, so I'll say it. It scares me that I could have a transgendered child. Finn is my boy and it scares me that maybe one day he'll decide to be Fiona. Partly because I don't want it for me and mostly because I don't want my baby to have one more thing in life to deal with.
I think about this. About Finn not being comfortable in his skin, about M. and I dealing with having an entirely different child than we ever expected, about how our families would react and the judgement that would be brought down on us. Because no matter my discomfort, if that is who Finn is, it's our job to support him in becoming the most functional person he possibly can be. Even if it's not who I want him to be and even if it scares me.
posted by Sacha @ 7:56 PM
11 comments
11 Comments:
yah, it'd be freaky, but he would still be finn, your firstborn, the child you created and nurtured and love. would you prefer trannie or republican? ;)
"would you prefer trannie or republican? ;)"
/giggle
I see what you mean though. It would be hard as a parent to watch your child go from being one gender to the other. But I would hope by then the community (LGBT or otherwise) would be a little more supportive of it's transgendered friends.
Why would it be freaky?
Fear comes from many areas. I have a kid who will most definitely have a time when he is not comfortable in his skin, thanks to a racist society who will tell him just what it means to be a black kid. For me, I am hoping I can be as open and honest as I can, and provide strategies for his survival.
As a parent we have to deal with the crap ass world we live in and make our kids feel welcome to identify however they choose. I'm sure you will do so for Finn, no matter what gender he ultimately chooses to identify as.
Kwynne
freaky, different, something that is unexpected, in a world where the only thing constant is change.
did y'all hear they're prescribing hormone puberty blockers to some trannie kids now? being that research pretty much shows that most trans people know from before puberty, and hey, what a gift to avoid having to have your body mature into a gender that is not yours.
unconditional love, and all the freaky things that will surely arrive in some strength!
I don't understand how someone lbeing part of the LGBT community can be scared by such an idea. When your parents were raising you, I am sure their thoughts ranged to 'I hope she's not gay', or 'How would I deal with that?'
I think that your child is your child, whether he is gay, straight, or transexual. I don't think that it should matter, the thought shouldn't even be crossing your head, until the situation comes along, if it does.
I hope that if it is the case, that you treat it as Heidi the Hippy did. Embrace your child, and don't care about what the world thinks.
I am so curious about your fears. Is it that you aren't familiar with trans issues and identities? Or is it the judgment from family that you pointed out. I must say this surprises me. I do fear that my child will be a criminal, because that is not the sort of life I want for him, but if he has alternative feelings on how to express his gender ... that doesn't scare me. I assumed that's one of the advantages of experiencing and being part of the LGBT community. and I know plenty of people who fuck with gender who could support his expression. I actually think it is great that this IS crossing your mind now, as I think it is important for all parents to open their minds to alternative lifestyles and choices. And I am not trying to say there are not challenges in identifying as trans, especially as a young person. But life is filled with challenges, right?
southwesterngemini from ivp
SWG - I've been thinking this through because it is a genuine fear and I know that if Finn does turn out to be transgendered, I can't ask him to be someone different for ME. I will support him 100% in his choices.
I am familiar with transgendered issues and I think my fears have changed from being about Finn to really being about my family. They will not understand if Finn turns out to identify as female. They are heavily invested in him being a boy, which really bothers me (and I think has forced me to think about my own feelings around my son's gender). They clearly have so much of a problem with two women raising a boy, I can't imagine how they're going to feel if that boy identifies as a girl.
It felt like you were fearing the reaction of the family. I totally get that.
SWG
Of course, Heidi the Hippy's child may not even come to identify as transgendered . . . it's a little early to be putting that label on him, no?
I can understand fear about family reaction only because family can be the most difficult in any situation. But try not to worry too much. Finn will be Finn whether that's a boy, girl, straight, gay, etc. I think at least you would surround him with people who wouldn't care about that sort of thing and therefore make him feel confident in whatever he feels.
Heidi the hippy is just being a dip. Children try new things, and what we praise, and what we encourage.. they repeat oftentimes.
Where would he get the spandex pants and halter top in his size, if his mother didn't purchase it for him? He's five.
At that stage my son wore purple tutus at home. I taught him that we wear appropriate clothing when we're having real life, and we play like crazy people when it's play time. And we do! And it's fun.
But Heidi can heap a lot of harassment on her child by not teaching him appropriate behavior, and normal clothing is part of it.
Being overly laissez faire is not limited to clothing, or gender issues. The same children who toss scoopfuls of Vegan mashed potatoes at Marlene's Greens to the chagrin of every one else dining are often the same ones wearing their swimsuits over long johns in February "because that's all he'll wear".
Regardless of how the child is conceived, somebody has to step up and parent the child like they want them to be a welcomed member of society, and not a narcisistic spawn we tolerate.
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