Family Bed
I am about to go off and after that babycakes shall resume regular ol' blogging. 1..2..3...hold on....
We have a family bed. End of story. Sleep is a parenting decision. There is no right way to sleep or wrong way to sleep. There are safe ways to sleep. That is what other people should focus their concern on.
It's funny because the day I posted about the difficulties of parenting together I was planning to post about our family bed after that. I was feeling confident that co-sleeping and having a family bed was actually reaching into the mainstream and facing more and more acceptance. Some people put their babies in cribs. Some people keep their babies in their bed. M. and I keep our baby in our bed. I was confident that the constant judgement was somehow slipping away.
I guess I was wrong.
This is our parenting decision. It's working for us as a family. It's not something that our tiny tyrant toddler is forcing us to do. We all like sleeping together. If it stops working before Finn naturally transitions to his own sleep space, we will make the necessary changes.
We have legitimate reasons for having a family bed. Our son is a very immature sleeper and we've found he does best when he sleeps with us and in our bed. Finn is also still nursing overnight and I have no intention of getting out of bed to feed him. With my job I can't sacrifice what little sleep I get.
And we like it.
It's snuggly. It's sweet. He's not going to sleep with us forever, or even for a significant period of his life. He's going to slowly move away from us and all we'll have left are our memories of our sweet little boy. I will not sacrifice this time because anyone tells me we SHOULD put him into a crib. He is my boy and it's my job to let go of him, but not right now.
I'm seriously tired of explaining myself. Over and over and over and over and over. Yet here I am doing it again.
The life of a co-sleeping family bed parent is difficult. You face judgement left and right. You're told that you're going to kill your baby, that you're permenantly damaging his ability to sleep on his own, that you're forming bad habits, that you'll NEVER get your kid out of your bed, that you're creating a MONSTER. Few see the family bed as just another way to sleep. Few support making it a safe and healthy experience. It's a bad habit and those who practice it must be told to STOP...NOW. It seems to be some people's civic duty to inform those of us who are clearly ignorant and irresponsible about our plight.
Please respect our decisions. Please BACK OFF.
I'm sincerly happy for the people out there that can put their baby in a crib and have a full night of blissful sleep and lots of wonderful couples bonding as you snuggle into your comfy bed together. I'm glad that is working for your family, but please respect that what works for you may not work for others and it's not your place to prostletize to others about the superority of your decisions.
We did not start on this parenting journey intending to have a family bed. Finn was going to be in his crib by six months at the latest. Things just didn't work out that way. We did what we needed to do to survive and we've continued doing it because it's working for all of us.
I also know that M. and I won't be bed sharing with Finn forever and that our time will come. In the meantime Finn goes to sleep at 7 pm and we go to bed at 10 pm, so we have three wonderful hours to watch Gossip Girl, plot world domination, debate the plight of birth in this country, discuss our ideas about discipline and pat ourselves on the back about our little boy.
It's enough for now.
posted by Sacha @ 7:14 PM
26 comments
26 Comments:
You're right. It's a family decision. Good for you for doing what is right. It's a shame that you must explain/defend yourselves for making a parenting decision. I have friends who had a family bed for seven years through three kids. Sometimes all at once, sometimes just one kid, sometimes just the parents. In order to parent as they wanted, they didn't have overnight guests for SEVEN YEARS because they didn't want the harrassment. Sad. It's your decision.
We have a family bed too. When J. goes to bed on time we do have adult time, as you pointed out.
I think the commenters are just trying to help b/c they have been happy with their situation....but I agree that it's a personal choice. I don't tell other people they ought to sleep with their babies, as sweet and snuggly as it is.
amen. --written from the fambly bed.
pee ess tips on navigating intimacy would be greatly appreciated if you gots them! :)
You know what...I didn't even finish reading this past the first paragraph. Because I've heard it all before. I know all the reasons people share the family bed. And I said before...its great and I love snuggling with the kids etc. And up to a certain age its great to have them in bed for bodnign and ease of breastfeeding. The sleeping baby falling asleep at the breast and being able to reach out and touch them and just breathe them in. Its wonderful. And I am a huge advocate for co-sleeping with infants, in the beginning
BUT if you are complaining that you don't feel close to your spouse and that you don't have that same closeness you once had...well GEE...I wonder why?? Up to 6 months...great...periodic times when they are sick or snuggly or hell...just because...GREAT...I am all for it. But after the baby is no longer an infant...they roll around, they move, they learn to settle on their own...and they don't need to be in with their mommy and mommy or mommy and daddy or daddy and daddy's beds.
I think too many people use it as an excuse to avoid intimacy and when they start having problems or stresses they use it even more. Instead of being a grown up and facing the issues that are impacting your relationship, you hide behind the family bed. I am not referring to sex in general...intimacy is all things included. You CAN NOT and WILL NOT have the same relationship when there is a child between you, grunting and snoring, and rolling and kicking and well...in between you. Grown ups chat before bed, they snuggle before bed, they have sex before bed, they exist before bed. And you can not do that when you have a child between you EVERY night. You arrange your bedtimes around your child to an extent, you arrange your life and shcedule everythign around THEIR bedtime. Well thats crazy. Yes...you should arrange your life around your kids of course to an extent...thats what a parent does. Kids need routine, and security and consistency.
You won't read this part I'm sure...it'll glide right past you and you'll assume I am some bitch that says never snuggle your child...when in reality I still have daily snuggles with all my kids in my bed in the middle of the day and we talk and laugh and giggle and talk about whatever they want. I also bring them into my bed when they come in in teh middle of the night and we snuggle and chat until they fall asleep or are ready to go back to their beds. I UNDERSTAND the benefits of the IDEA of a family bed...but I also send my kids to bed each night in their beds. They start off there(barring any issues like sick or nightmares etc)and they usually wake up there. Because after a long day with them being a great mom, and spending all my time with them and doing for them, its nice that when my husband gets home and we spend time as a whole family, and the kids go to bed and we got to bed after...that I get to hold him and talk and snuggle...the same way I did earlier in the day with my kids. Or in other grown up ways. But thats OUR time. And we are a great team...strong and united. And our kids feel loved and secure and the smile and giggle when the see us smooching each other in the kitchen.
You are bound to have relationship distance when you have kids in your bed for an extended period of time. You think you're doing best for Finn...but if you guys don't reconnect with each other and as many couples do(one partner usually resents the loss of intimacy even if they aren't vocalizing it to the other for fear of repercussions)break up...then Finn looses out. Because Finn's mommies were trying to do theri best for him...and they forgot about themselves. The best thing you can do for your child is be a good parenting team. And part of that is to make sure you maintain your togetherness and unity as a couple.
Sorry...I don't have an account...I should get one then you won't think I'm trying to hide behind anonymous. But its late...another night.
I have plenty to say, but no time... we also have a 1st babe... she's 15 months old. AP-ish, BF, family bed, et al. :-)
There are very few cultures in the world that encourage such independence in their infants... they're born to be dependant and we're programmed to care for them! Only in America do we want our six month olds to be able to exist without us...
Enter one of my fave quotes: "There is no such thing as a baby. There is only a baby and someone." (Donald Winnicott).
See! You're meant to be together (in bed, in your wraps, whenever)! It's the way nature planned it all along...
It'll be a sad day when there's no longer a babe in our bed. :-) They're only little for so long! Treasure every moment...
Regarding your relationship - of course it's different! You're not only partners now... you're parents! And of course you're relating to one another differently - your entire perspectives have changed.
When people said to me (before babe), "Oh! Your lives are going to be so different after the baby!" I always thought to myself - I sure hope so! That's the whole idea here!
Good luck with the changes. It's all wanted change - but change nonetheless and just takes patience and communication to muddle through.
Love that boy and your gal! He'll only want to sleep with you two for so long... Ha!
hoo boy. replace 'gossip girl' with 'doctor who' and i could have written this blog post almost word for word. but we don't blog about it precisely because of the kind of bullsh*t you have had to face. so hats off to you for this post, and happy sleeping!
btw, oh chicken and anonymous, my hot tip for maintaining intimacy when you have a family bed? think beyond the bed...
My sons, now 32, 30, 26, and 24, all slept with me for various amounts of time when they were little. I loved it and all of them eventually moved into their own beds and are now wonderfully normal, successful and secure adults. I currently have a second group of children(5,7,7,8)and there is nothing they love more than the chance to sleep in my bed every so so often. It's just an extension of the parenting I do during the day (or don't get to do, as I'm at work every day). Keep up the cuddling- it's good for all of you and you'll know when it's time for Finn to launch into his own bed (and for sure you'll miss this sweet time with him once he's sleeping on his own elsewhere).
We have a family be in my house too. And I know that lots of people have their opinions in both directions. I think that it is great that you allow your son to share your bed. And when that time comes when you are ready for him to go, then it is time for him to go into his own sleep space.
I have to agree with anonymous on this one. Since you feel that your relationship is slipping away from what it was 15 years ago, the real question here is how does M really feel? You do all the blogginh but we don't hear how M feels about the whole thing. She may night want Finn in the bed all the time, and since he starts off sleeping alone for 3 hours what's the difference which bed he is in. You're not snuggling with him at 7pm when you don't go to bed until later.
whatever works for you works for you. to each his/her own, I say. If it's not hurting your boy or your couplehood then it's your choice and your wants/needs. People judge about everything we do. I can see some valid points from the anonymous post in terms of couple time in your bed but who says you can't be intimate in other locations. Get kinky with it. Just spend that time working on your relationship if you can because I know how hard it can be once you have a baby to remember to think of your relationship. We have to work harder to go on dates and be a couple sometimes because our world revolves around the kid. :)
I'm sorry other people are being rude jerks about this. You and M are great parents to your boy.
We moved our kid into his own room early on and he never slept in our bed (we had a bassinet right beside our bed). For us, that was what worked for all three of us. But if the family bed works for other people, that's totally their choice. And I can definitely see the benefits of it. Just because it's not what we would choose for ourselves doesn't make it wrong, like some people seem to think. I can see what the anonymous poster is saying about it interfering with your relationship, but I'm sure you're finding other ways to focus on that. You've already said that you don't go to bed at the same time as Finn and that you spend three hours alone together before bed.
I wish people would just keep their opinions to themselves. Family bed or crib, cloth or disposible, shots or delayed or no, SAH or work, breastfeed or formula, etc, etc, etc.
What does it matter to anyone else as long as the child is loved and cared for. Different things work for different families. Opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one and no one wants anyone elses.
We could not have a family bed b/c DH is a violent sleeper and it would not be safe for DD. I would have loved to breast feed, but my boobs did not work. The end result is the same... DD is happy, healthy and growing. Finn appears to be doing the same.
Good luck, use your gut and ignore everyone who tells you differently.
Just to clarify, M. is supportive of us having a family bed. As a matter of fact, I was much more the naysayer and am now the convert - she's always been pretty devoted to the family bed and other AP practices (what a closet hippie!)
Also, we used to start Finn in his porta-crib in the hope that he might just decide to sleep through the night but his sleep was terrible. We've actually bought ourselves time by having him sleep in the bed, with us or without us. Otherwise he was waking up about every 40 minutes, which was hell.
Funnily enough, I don't want the relationship M. and I had 15 years ago - I liked how we had aged together, I liked that we had worked through our rough edges. This is what gives me hope that we'll do the same with our new found parenting relationship.
I really appreciate the supportive comments. Two things make me feel like we're making the right decision for our family. #1. We have immense trust that Finn will make the decision to leave our bed and we're okay with that. #2. If he doesn't before we're ready to give up our great sleep experiment, we know we'll do what we need to do to help him move into his own sleep space, even if it's uncomfortable.
And Anonymous, I appreciate that you at least long for an account - you can always just sign your name at the end of your post.
Hey...wanted to give you guys a pat on the backs. It can't be hard putting very private aspects of your life out ther for everyone. People judge. They shouldn't but they do. It's easier said than done but "don't take it personally". The people that have negative things to say about any subject are the ones that are diverting attention on your "faults" so they don't have to deal with theirs. If they don't like things in your life... I am hoping they can figure out how not to navigate to your blog and go be unhappy somewhere else.
As for Finn.... the majority of the people here and can see you are giving 110% of your compassion, love, and guidance. And THAT is the most wonderful kind of parenting in the world!!
I saw what works for you is what is best for you. I raised 3 kids and although we didn't have a family bed per se, I did bring the babies to bed to nurse and we'd both fall asleep. when i woke up, if they were sleeping I'd put them in their own bed -- but getting the maximum amount of sleep each night was my main issue. My daughter now has a newborn and she is trying to figure out where the baby sleeps best and how she can get some sleep. Good luck with navigating through all the stages of parenting...personally it was the teen years that were the most difficult for me :-)
Elizabeth/Fresno, cA
Just replying since I feel like the post was partially aimed at me. I should have clarified that I honestly don't care what you all do regarding your bed, but that I read anon's comment and thought, hey, yeah, maybe that's the kind of advice they are looking for. Personally, I love love love having my son in a crib in his own room, but we have also gotten flack for it by people who think we should be more into AP stuff. He was born in late October, and it was cold, and it was frustrating to explain to people that our little baby was just fine on his own, lovingly snuggled tight into blankets and whatnot. So I hear ya! Everyone has an opinion on the subject, and we just have to go with our own guts.
you and M are doing great and no one has the right to judge you on the choices that are right for your family, especially from the outside and on your blog. you are honest and i know your readers appreciate it. there are tons of challenges that parenting brings up for couples, not only in the bedroom per se, and you never even stated that was the issue. keep on doing what you believe is right for your family. it takes courage and i know you have it.
southwesterngemini from IVP
We co-sleep but not in a family bed. One of us sleeps in our bed and one of us sleeps in a bed with Punk in her room. Some nights she doesn't wake up for a long while and we get snuggle time, some nights she wakes up early and one of us goes to bed early. It's parenting. It's fluid. And anyone who claims to have a "be all and end all" way is either way too arrogant or a liar.
xo
I do not have a family bed, but agree that you are entitled to do whatever you want to do. Even people that do not have family beds have transition times in their relationships. That is a long-term relationship.
My surprise at your post is that you are surprised that people are so judgemental. I am surprised because quite frankly, you come across as very judgemental yourself.
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I agree completely. I slept with all five of my kids until they were ready to leave the bed, and even now they will sometimes come back for a snuggle. I love it!
I run a shelter for teen moms and there was a big push to get co-sleeping banned because of fear for the babies. I refused to make that a rule and I encourage the moms to sleep with the babies. Hold your grounds, you both are doing whats best for your son. Be Proud :)
I co-slept with my youngest for six months and then my youngest and oldest were old enough to share a room.
With my oldest I walked to her room, sat in a chair and breastfeed her until she stopped BF at 9 months. I must say it was nicer co-sleeping with my second when it came to breastfeeding. With both kids I just dealt with the lack of sleep.
I felt and still kind of feel that if my kids are tucked in their own beds most of the time they will grow up being more secure, assertive and independant.
My oldest was in her own room after she was a week old and she doesn't cling to me like my youngest does. It could just be their make-up at conception or it's from co-sleeping with my youngest for the first six months. I'm not sure.
I nap with my girls everyday and on the weekends sometimes my husband will join us. One usually sleeps on a mattress next to the bed and the other on the bed. On non-work nights they can sleep in our room. Sometimes our oldest will sneak in our room during work nights but she sleeps on the mattress next to the bed.
Kids just keep getting older and they will eventually not want to be sleeping in our room. Until this happens we're enjoying as much closeness as we can get. It's a happy medium at this point where they sleep part of the time in their room and the other part in our room.
Each parent has their own ideas and nobody really knows the outcome of if you do A then B will happen to the child. I'm sure there's research out there. Do what's right for your family. Nobody should be telling you that you're wrong. Do what you're comfortable with.
Mamatatwo
I can't believe you even have to defend your choice. It is totally a family decision based on what works for you and your family. Period. The end.
Hang in there.
Just popping up to say that we love Gossip Girl, too!
we do it for the same reasons and get all kinds of crazy flack.
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