Staying Present

Having a kiddo has this strange way of keeping you in the moment. I swear that I can't remember what happened last week or last month or last year. I know Finn was this little helpless baby at some point but when I look at our capable, demanding little boy I have the hardest time seeing him in any way but how he is right now.

Tiredness has left me no time to dwell on the past, and beyond the horrible worries the pop up now and then, there's not much left to think about the future.

It's all about the here and now, living life in the intensely present tense.

It's about finding rocks to throw or dirty rotting pine cones. It's about dogs. It's about what's for lunch and helping put together puzzles. It's about toddler dancing in the living room, turning circles while you shake the maraca. It's about NOW. Not the minute before, not the minute after but RIGHT NOW.

I take a million pictures because later I'll forget what he was doing at any particular moment. I wish there was a way we could capture the pure essence of Finn at any one moment then go back when I have time to really sit down and savor them, when I can truly take a deep breath and stop my 100 mile per hour life, take a moment to savor my mercurial boy. I want to remember forever the way he smells after a bath or the sound of his giggle when we tickle him or how sweet he is as he cuddles against me and breast feeds.

But I can't, so I go on living in the present tense and trying so hard to hold onto something that is always eluding my grasp while enjoying whatever and whoever my little boy is RIGHT NOW.