Being Left Out

My partner and I are starting to plan our family and I am totally paralyzed by fears of being left out.

I've been wanting to respond to this comment left a while ago.

This broke my heart.

Social mother, other mother, adoptive mother, non-bio mom...there are a lot of ways to talk about that person who devotes their life to a child that they have no biological connection and sometimes even no legal connection to. I would like to say that the concept of having a child and the reality are so different that there is no way that someone will get left out once that baby arrives. I'd like to say that the baby will be the bandaid for one's fears and those deep set inadequacies that scream out "HOW CAN A CHILD LOVE ME IF I AM NOT THE ONE WHO GESTATED IT AND FED IT???"

I think dual motherhood can be really hard. Many of us who share our lives with another woman, who parent with another woman, were raised with the expectation of Capital M Motherhood. We are the child bearers, the nurturers, the queen bee because after all What Mama Wants is what rules most households.

Except it's different in a two-uterus household. There are two mothers and I found through my pregnancy and now as a co-mother, that the Capital M Motherhood of the non-bio mom is often disrespected and ignored. No matter what M. does, no matter how well she cares for Finn, no matter how much of a mother she is, the world insists on seeing ME as The Mother over and over again.

So fears of being on the outside of this sweetly bonded mother/child nexus of nirvana aren't unfounded. I think leaving them unspoken and unaddressed can lead to bad bad things.

I've heard of, and known, more than one lesbian parenting couple where the birth mother was subconsciously sabotaged by the non-birth mother, especially around breast feeding. Maybe not overtly. Maybe not by intent. Formula equalizes everything and makes no one special, except that shiny silvery Emfamil can.

It can happen. It does happen. Which is why by being aware of the possibility, by confronting fears, we as partners, as wives, as future parents, can work through what it means to be a two mother household in a positive way. I guess I'm saying that it's okay to be afraid but don't let it stop you, because it may be a hard road to share Capital M Motherhood but it can also mean an equally shared parenting structure that is rarely found in relationships.

Talk about it! Devote yourselves to equality in parenting, and even if you don't live up to your exact ideal you'll at least be aware that the non-bio mom CAN be left out and you can work to prevent that.