moving the blog

just so peeps know, I'm moving babycakes to wordpress. This URL should redirect by the end of the week. We'll be at:

http://babycakesblog.wordpress.com/

I'll be publishing over there from now on. Hopefully this move will make things a little easier.

ummm

bfp

no kidding...

Kidizing the World

I get that the entire world can't be child-proofed, that not every person's house is set up for kids, that not every restaurant should provide crayons and a kids menu (although it's pretty nice when they do). I understand all that, but what really gets me are people's general attitude toward kids.

Finn is not a cart kid. It generally takes some degree of bribery (popcorn at Target, a sucker at Trader Joe's) to keep him in the cart, and even then he never lasts long. He'd much rather be walking with us or (usually) throwing stuff that looks cool into the cart. This is what happened yesterday at Trader Joe's. A couple licks into his sucker he hands it to us and decides it's time to get down.

Let the chase begin.

We happened to run into Finn's friend Tristan, sitting quietly in his cart, but not for long. Soon the boys were chasing each other, running through Trader Joe's.

A kidless person's absolute nightmare. Well, minus the screaming.

It was a joyous display of childhood, these two little boys having the time of their lives. M. or I were with them the entire time, but I kept feeling the burning glares of people as my child rounded corners, veered toward the cheese case, zoomed down the frozen food aisle. Because more importantly than having family-friendly spaces in this world is having child-friendly attitudes, and I tell you, attitudes towards kids sucks sometimes.

I would have been one of those people glaring before Finn came along. I would have muttered to M. about people not controlling their children. I now know that children are not made to be controlled, that their joy should not be suppressed except for safety reasons, as long as their parent is present and attentive.

Maybe we broke all the social rules of parenthood yesterday. Perhaps I deserved a few of those glares. I think that people in general need to be more kid-ized, to see kids through the eyes of a child, to see all the wonder they bring to a simple trip to the grocery store. I'm okay with spaces not being appropriate for children and I'll respect that, but I do tire of attitudes that don't respect children being present in this society as well as being allowed to be who they are...children.

Don't Go There

The egg is out the gate. M. won't let me give it a name, but if I were to name it, I would call it Slick. Why? Because it's the phoenix, rising from the ashes of our previous TTC. It's a rebirth. It's the Rebirth of Slick, which is an awesome song from one of my favorite albums ever.

I'm very busy Not Going There.

I remember our very first ever cycle. It was crazy making. We hadn't figured out that we were most likely NOT pregnant yet. We were sure that we were. Every little twinge, every little urp, every little slightly strange movement of my body was a BABY. And here we are again, and I am determined, intent, to NOT GO THERE.

It's been pretty funny.

M: I've been burping a lot.

Me: Don't go there.

M: I have really bad heart burn.

Me: Don't go there.

M: It's a full moon.

Me: Don't go there.

M: I'm breathing...

Me: DON'T GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell ya, it's hard not to go there. Any little thought I have about the fact that we might be pregnant, we might have another baby soon, we might need baby clothes and bottles and sweet little diapers, I just shove it back into the dark corners of my mind.

I think it's because I know this is really our last shot. We don't have the money to do a lot of interventions beyond an IUI. And we now KNOW what it means to have a child, and we know that it's not all wonderful, and we know it's going to mean not sleeping again and being tired and cranky, and we know it will probably last for a year. We know it will hurt Finn, even if it's a good thing, it's going to hurt him, and that is the last thing we want to do. We know this will stretch our already stretched finances even further.

We know this is a big fucking deal.

So I'm promising myself that this time I'm going to make it through this without feeling like I'm on the edge of breaking down. This is why I'm not going down the road to Crazytown. I swear.

My heart tells me that we'll get pregnant and my mind tells me that if we don't, we'll be okay.

We are sperminated

Project Baby the Sequel has commenced.

Yikes.