The Difficult Child

All my life I have been labeled a Difficult Child by my mother. For the longest time I was sad that I was my mother's first child. I felt like she should have had my brother first, the Easy Child, because I was simply too much.

I'm over that crap.

During my pregnancy I started to realize that I was not a Difficult Child. My mother simply wasn't equipped with enough emotional intelligence to parent optimally and I was (and still am) a bit high needs. She didn't know what I needed. I have let go of my feelings of fault because I was just a baby.

She now doing the same thing to Finn. And it's PISSING me off.

Finn has been putting M. and myself through the wringer. Our house was a disaster (I finally broke down and hired a housekeeper). We are exhausted. He has been napping less but they aren't longer, leaving us a total of 1.5 hours per day to get ANYTHING done. He is an exhausting child.

This does not suit my mother's agenda, which is to manipulate her way into seeing him approximately once per week. I basically told her that we didn't want her to come to visit because things are way too chaotic with Finn at the moment. This did not sit well.

So Finn has become a Difficult Child, according to my mother, one that we have to fix. She thinks it's because of his "traumatic birth". Please realize that Finn's birth being "traumatic" is something my mother has decided and I don't happen to agree. If there was one person at that birth who was strong and steadfast the entire time, it was our boy. He was sitting in my birth canal and they were finding his heart rate right over my pubis, and he never ONCE faltered.

I will never tell Finn that he was a Difficult Child. This implies that some fault lies with him and he is not capable of having fault at this time. He is a precocious, whip-smart, beautiful little boy who regularly pushes us to the very edge of our sanity. He is also OUR child and we were all made for each other, meaning BRING IT ON little boy, because we are your parents and we love you and we will meet you at every step. This is our job.

Post-Partum Mood Disorder

Sometimes people can be such idiots.

M., Finn and I go to a weekly support group with other parents led by a facilitator. We talk about preset topics and one of them is post partum mood disorder. A good thing to address, right?

Maybe not, according to our group leader. She announced that she wanted to shorten the discussion around PPMD because we're all past three months and therefore no longer at risk for PPMD.

WTF?????

This was said after I told the group how I was withdrawing from Zoloft. And that I'd started the Zoloft because of post partum issues. I mean REALLY...how stupid can you be?

Post partum mood disorder is something that truly needs to be daylighted. It's something that can happen any time in the first year. And by acting like making it through the first three months somehow makes people immune is naive as well as discouraging the dialogue that needs to happen around PPMD. Imagine if you were a mother struggling with PPMD and heard this woman declare that you didn't really have it because your baby was older than three months. Yet another obstacle preventing people from seeking treatment.

Luckily our poor leader has M. and I to contend with. We're annoying, passionate and educated. We set her straight.

The "Yeah" Factor

Our car is still broken down, stuck in suburan Hellvue. Ugh.

Since M. is starting to get clients our schedules are getting really crazy. Last night was my first time ever putting Finn to bed without her. It made me realize how much I depend on us parenting together. I really missed the Yeah Factor.

The Yeah Factor goes like this.

Me: "I think he's ready for bed."

M.: "Yeah, he's ready for bed."

Sounds silly. Seems simple. I really rely on having M. around to confirm my observations when it comes to the Little Dude. Last night I had to wing it. I thought he was tired but there was no one to confirm it for me. I had to trust myself.

I was right.

Mr. Bo Finner was out like a light by 7:30 and mommy go to pay the bills before the collectors started knocking on the door. And I got to learn a little bit about trusting myself.

Then M. came home, kissed our little boy and we all went to bed.

One heckuva BAD day...

Parenting has been an uphill climb, but it always feels like it's getting better. Then you have these days where everything falls apart. Yesterday was that kind of day X 100.

We're crazy busy right now. I'm back to work. M. is starting to get post partum doula clients. She's also working this little contract job she's done for the last three years. There's no time for anything. Like cleaning the house. Like filling my prescription for Zoloft. By yesterday I hadn't taken the Zoloft for two days.

M. was working. I was home with Finn. I was so tired that I could barely think. Finn has been consolidating his naps but while he's napping less often, they aren't getting longer in duration. It was bad enough having a baby that took six half hour naps per day. Now we have a baby that takes three half hour naps a day. By five o'clock yesterday he'd taken one 30 minute nap and one 20 minute nap. I felt like I was going insane.

It was bad. I started wanting to scream at Finn because I was so tired and needed a break. I was calling M. in tears. Then I found out that the pharmacy where I get my Zoloft was going to close in an hour. M. was way out in the 'burbs. I called her, freaking out, trying to get her to come back early so she could pick up my prescription and she kept trying to tell me something...

The car was dead.

Shit.

I had forty minutes to take the bus to the pharmacy. I was unshowered, hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed and don't think I smelled terribly good. Somehow I grabbed Finn, got out the door with the diaper bag and the sling, and RAN to get the bus. Then I called our best friend, KK, and she was home and able to pick up M. I called DtD, who is out of town, he answered and said we could use his car. He got ahold of BF, who was home, and told him M. was on her way to pick it up. AND I made it to the pharmacy with only five minutes to spare.

Three hours later we finally made it home. Finn's carseat is strapped in the back of DtD's car. Our car is stuck in suburban HELL and will not start.

And I have my Zoloft back on board. I was feeling so crazy yesterday and unusually tired, and I'm pretty sure it was me withdrawing off Zoloft. I swear that two hours after I took it, the exhaustion was gone and I could think again. Fucking, fucking INSANE what drugs can do to you.

And I LOVE MY FAMILY OF CHOICE. What would we do without KK, DtD and BF? I hope they feel all thet love that is radiating toward them.

Weekend Cuteness: Getting Ready for Bed

In Bed, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Life is crazy for us right now. M. is finally getting post partum doula clients. Plus she's doing some other contract work so we're barely seeing each other. I'm tired from working and parenting.

Finn and I went to Izilla yesterday, a fantastic toy store in Seattle. I love toys so going to the toy store is dangerous. It was fun.

Weekend is for waffles and cleaning house.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Mr. Bo Finner is still working on crawling. It's driving mommies CRAZY.

It's good that Finn is meeting or exceeding his developmental marks, but I think M. and I both didn't anticipate having a mobile baby quite so soon. We would both like a bit of a break but sometimes it feels like we'll never, EVER get one. Life with Finn is 100 mph all the time.

So part of us is happy that he didn't just crawl the next day.

Except...there's always an except...EXCEPT...Finn wants to crawl. He wants to crawl with every part of his little body and he will not stop working on it. It's been three days now of crabby little boy who spends most of his awake time on his hands and knees, yelling and trying to crawl. There's not much we can do except sit next to him and cheer him on. We really want him to crawl because not crawling his clearly driving HIM crazy.

Oh, I just love him. My sweet, obsessive, crazy, never-stop little boy.

Creepy Crawler

All Fours, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

One of the best things about having a baby is discovering their personality. Our sweet boy has been a strong will baby from the moment he implanted in my uterus. I am continually amazed at the sheer determination and physicality of this child. At the same time, I don't know how we're going to keep up with him. M. and I are run ragged as it is.

He's brought these traits to crawling. The order of things is supposed to go...

1. roll from back to tummy
2. master sitting
3. work on crawling

Uh huh.

Well, our boy finds sitting quite boring and I still can't have him sit without one of us keeping a hand close because he will inevitably topple forward or backward.

Crawling is another story. He wants to move and he's going to yell and push and grunt until he does it. In the last three days he' s started to push up on all fours and crawl backwards. Any time you put him down he'll flip onto his stomach and push himself up then start working on crawling. He works on it in his sleep. He is quite determined to crawl and clearly will not stop until he does.

Of course we are proud of our boy. He's our amazing child. At the same time, M. and I both would love a developmental break. We keep thinking that he'll master that one skill that will make him happy, but it never seems that way. The minute he figures things out, he moves onto working on something else he can't do. He is Mr. Unstoppable.

We're baby proofing in the next week or so. And we have to move him out of the cosleeper and get the portable crib. And we need some baby gates. And, and, and....

Mommies need a break.

Table Foods

Nectarine, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

We had every intention of waiting until exactly six months to start feeding Finn table foods. Good intentions pave the road to hell, which is where we're going if breaking down and feeding your child early is a criteria.

The only solice I take is that we're not giving him a lot of food and not every day.

M. and I have decided to follow Baby Led Weaning. Basically you start with soft finger foods and skip purees. This way Finn self-feeds and we're not sitting in front of him spooning various colors of goo into his mouth. I love it because it lets him make the choice to eat, how much to eat and what to eat. I have no desire to put my food issues onto my son.

So I gave him a quarter nectarine with the skin on. Scary! It worked. He chomped away, made a beautiful mess and LOVED it.

The other foods we've had him taste so far: banana (did not like it), apple and applesauce (liked it), pear (liked it) and a taste of vanilla ice cream (liked it...duh).

I've started a Flickr set to document our exploits.

Weekend Cuteness: Sleeping on the Bus

Sleeping on the Bus, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

I think this is the best sleeping picture I've gotten so far. Is there anything sweeter than a sleeping baby? This is from our very first public transit experience.

Speaking of sleep, I'm back to work for the weekend so I need to get some myself.

Working (for a month) Mom

I've officially been back to work a little over a month.

Balancing work and parenting has made me realize that in the states the working mother gets the worst deal. I have never dreamed of being a stay at home mom. It's not in my personality. I like my job, although it's a very hard one. I am proud to work and model for our son.

None of this means I wouldn't rather be at home with Finn right now. The truth of the matter is that four months is entirely too early to leave your baby and go back to work. It actively contributes to women deciding to stop breast feeding. It's not ideal developmentally. I would much rather be able to be home for his first year. Or at least six months so we could get him started on table foods. But I have to work to support my family, so my choice becomes to leave my son too early or to sacrifice my career for parenting.

There should be something in the middle. No woman should have to make the choice between career and parenting. We CAN have it all but we need a culture and government that makes parenting a priority.

Grump. End of rant.

The strange thing about being back at work is that I was feeling SO burned out when I left. Being back, and not pregnant, has lit a fire under me. I am loving my job. It's taken two years but I feel like I'm really hitting my stride as an RN. I thought it had all clicked before, but now I'm really GETTING it. Every day, even the hard days, I feel like I'm kicking ass and taking names. I'm starting to feel kind of good at what I do. Imagine that...actual self confidence.

So I'm happy to be back at work. I'm sad to be away from Finn. I'm proud to be supporting my little family. It's not the worst thing in the world to be a working mom.

Mmmmmmm Bop!

Finn has figured out how to say "mmmmmmmmm". It's really funny because he has to exaggerate his lips and ends up sucking in his bottom one. It makes him look like a little old man. And like everything else new Finn does, he has to do it constantly. His "mmmmmmmmmm" is often followed by a "bah".

We've taken to singing the teeny bopper classic tune Mmmmmm Bop to him.

He and M. were sitting at the computer a couple days ago and Finn was playing with the keyboard. He typed mmmmmmmmm bb.

Brilliance? Maybe. At least in the eyes of his proud mommies. Surely he'll present his dissertation to us any day now.

Coincidence? Most likely.

Sibling

It's strange because before Finn came along I was firmly in the camp of two children...or maybe three. Now that he's here, I'm quite surprised how reluctant I feel about having a second child.

I have one sibling. M. has three but she's a second marriage baby, so we consider her to be an only child. I think it was good for me to have a sibling so from a child'd point of view, I'm all for another kid.

From my point of view as parent it's surprisingly different. There's part of me that is already mourning that I won't be able to give 100% to Finn for the rest of his life.

We're going to have a second child. M. wants to be pregnant. I know it's good for Finn. I also know I'll probably get to the point where I too am ready for a slightly bigger family. At this moment, though, it feels oddly sad to think of making three into four. I'm glad we won't start until next October so at least we'll have next summer with just the three of us.

A Weekend of Firsts

I LOVE REI!!!!, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

We had our first visit to REI where mama bought some Keens, our first trip on the bus and our very first bubble bath.

The bus was tough. He slept part of the way but all the noise woke him up. He 'talked' to some of the people around us, then fussed toward the end. We successfully completed our first trip on public transit.

Finn loved the bubble bath, as evidenced by his constant attempts to eat the bubbles. We use California Baby products, and their bubble bath comes with bubble wands, so I blew bubbles for him as well. It was lots of fun. Then he went to bed early because having so much fun makes for a very tired boy.

Oh, and after a terrible screaming fit Saturday night, the second tiny tooth made its appearance.

Weekend Cuteness: Overalls

Overalls, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

This is THAT pair of overalls. The ones we bought when Finn was so little and I was determined that he'd wear something other than stretchies. Now he's five months old and he can still wear them.

I made a set of all his overall pictures...all three. Y0u can see it here. I recommend doing the slide show so you can see how wee he was. I just don't believe he was ever that small but we have photographic proof.

This is the last wearing of the overalls. They've been put in the storage box and will wait patiently in the attic for Finn's sibling. It's sad but I have all kinds of NEW overalls to put him in.

Sleep Issues

Finn started sleeping through the night at three months. At four and a half months, he stopped. It's not too bad because I can side lie nurse now, so most of the feedings happen in a sleep induced haze and I don't feel too tired. We've also brought him back into the bed. After reclaiming the bed and having Finn spend the entire night in the cosleeper, he's baaaaaaaaaaack. Once again, it's not too bad.

So what's the issue?

Well, he's completely pushing up with his arms and starting to with his legs. Once the legs come into play, which at the rate of speed he's going could be next week for all we know, he can't safely be in the cosleeper any more. And honestly I don't really want him in the bed long term unless we get a better (and safer) setup for cosleeping. This means a king bed which will take up our ENTIRE bedroom and I just don't want that.

We were planning to do the crib around six months. Not with Mr. Snack-all-Night. I would be up constantly. Having him in the bed both preserves our sanity and makes sure I get enough sleep to be safe at work.

Enter the portable crib. I think we're going to buy a small portable crib and put it where the cosleeper is now. That will give Finn his own sleep space but he'll still be in the room with us and we can whip him into bed if we have to. I'm kind of excited about this plan because I really like having him close by and a portable crib is a good compromise.

A New Addiction

Pajammy Time, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Tiny boy pajamas!

This picture doesn't showcase them that well, but it's just about the cutest EVER. Pajama Time is Finn's bedtime book. We read it every night, all of us on our tummies and then he tries to eat it.

He finally got big enough to wear this cute little Gap pj set that we got as a gift before he was born. OH MY GAWD...cutest EVER. Now I need more tiny boy jammies. He's getting so little boy and less and less baby. It's sad but exciting at the same time.

Nursing Necklace

Vortex from Laughing Starfish, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Mommies are getting increasingly scratched and pinched by Mr. Bo Finner's busy little hands. It's hard because Finn doesn't understand "stop" or "ow" or "holy mother of god fucking shit ow THAT HURTS" quite yet.

I finally bit the bullet and ordered a nursing necklace last night. I tested the nursing necklace idea by giving him his paci strap to finger while he nursed and it seemed to work mostly well. Perhaps jewelry will salve the wounded soul!

So, this is my nursing necklace. It's from Laughing Starfish and I think it's just purtier than anything. I was so excited to visit the website and see it marked SOLD!!!!

Thanks Everyone!

Your thoughts and kind words count for so much. I just keep thinking how grateful I am that we weren't home when our unwanted guest crawled through our window. We're working on making our house more secure but it will take some time for the sting of having a stranger walking through our house, pawing through our things and disrupting our lives to feel a bit less.

Unwanted Intruder(s)

We've been broken into.

We came home to find the door open and things all over the floor. Our drawers were gone through. They dumped our jewelry boxes and made off with our VERY VALUBLE collection of craptastic costume jewelry.

All our electronics are still here except for my ipod (wahhhhhhhh) and all my DVDs (wahhhhhh).

They did take the necklace from Tiffany's I gave to M. years ago. It's not a hugely expensive piece but it was a gift. They missed my white gold black pearl ring because I keep it in a strange place.

I really really want to scrub our house from top to bottom but we're waiting for the police.

We're glad it wasn't worse. We feel pretty violated.

Swingin'

Swing Time, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

It's pouring rain this morning, which makes me really glad we went to the park yesterday.

Finn had his first experience on the swing. We were sitting on a bench and he kept staring at the play area and talking. Finally M. took him over to the swings and he squealed in delight.

That's what he wanted.

He was pretty freaked out about being in the swing by himself, even though we were right next to him the entire time. He had the biggest eyes. But he didn't cry, just went with the flow. He had much more fun when mommies swung with him on the big kid swing.

I love firsts.

Five Months...it goes too fast

Walking on Mama's Toes, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Sometimes I laugh at myself because part of me thinks Finn will stay small forever and ever. I see older babies and I don't think that will be OUR boy. Then suddenly, it is. I looked at a picture of him the other day from the day he was born and he was so LITTLE. Watching a child grow and develop is maybe the most astounding and humbling thing I've ever experienced.

Five months today!

What mad skillz does Finn have? He can sit unsupported but we still have to be close by because he sometimes falls over. He pushes himself up with his hands until his entire torso is off the ground. He has a tiny tooth. He grabs at EVERTHING. He desperately wants our food. He has what I consider to be the most infectious laugh I've ever heard. He LOVES being naked so much that we're not sure why we put that boy in clothes. He talks to stranger and laughs spontaneously at shadows. He is just the most amazing little boy.

How are mommies? Well, we're good. We still have the occasional urge to kill each other, but five months out from a major life change, M. and I are doing pretty good. Having a baby has not destroyed our relationship. We're adjusting to me being back at work. We're tired and the house is a mess and it's almost impossible to meal plan or get to the store, but, hey, whatever! We are loving parenting together. It's the best project ever.

Happy birthday Finn!