Happy New Year's Eve

We're not big NYE types. No drunken parties for these girls. This year NYE is the only holiday I'm not working. And I'm starting a five day stretch off. Why not celebrate?

A friend is coming over for dinner. I think he'll hang with us for the evening but I'm not sure.

I've been sick for two weeks and I'm itching to cook again, so watch out world. The menu: store-bought appies, butternut squash lasagna with toasted walnuts, garliky black kale, and for dessert, orange scented olive oil and almond meal cakes which I think I'm going to glaze with grand marnier. Yum.

We're going to drink the last of the wine we brought back from Napa. A Hagafen chard. And I'll prob pick up some champagne.

Then we're going to a neighborhood bar with the FAB Miss A. to have my last drink of 2005 and maybe my last drink of 2006. Think positive!

By the end of all this I hope to be feeling pleasantly buzzed and relaxed.

Lasty, breakfast. I'm thinking whole wheat waffles with a blueberry compote and fresh apples, black tea served proper, maybe orange juice, sitting around in PJs and contimplating a movie later.

Good Morning Starshine

My battle with stress-induced insomnia continues. I'm going to try meditation tonight to see if that will keep me asleep.

The holidays are almost over and I couldn't be happier. We were in the mountains the last couple days with my parents. Between trying to recover from the Cold from Hell and having pulled two shifts prior to leaving, it was no fun. Then the topper. My parents invited some friends along on our annual family trip. Not so good. It was a woman I knew growing up and her new husband. New Husband might take the award for being the biggest ass I've ever met. Here are some choice comments:

• We should take street alcoholics and lock them up on abandoned military bases
• Alcoholics are alcoholics simply by choice. They just don't want to work. (I'll add, they must really enjoy sitting on street corners in their own piss begging for change.)
  
• When WA state changed their insurance laws "all those people with AIDS from San Francisco" poured into the state because they could manipulate our system.
• The people in New Orleans didn't leave during Katrina because then they wouldn't know where to pick up their welfare checks.
  

There's more but I honestly am blocking it out. It was not a conversation I wanted to part of and I think I handled it well. M. on the other hand was about to clock the guy. Needless to say, didn't make for a nice family time.

On the baby front, we have our contract in hand for review. The new development is that DtD's BF will be signing along with M. and myself. I'm really glad that it's not coming down to just myself and DtD. It keeps all parties invested and included. The boys will be back in town soon and then we'll get things rolling.

Mommies and Donors

So, I just picked up a good book about assisted conception using donors (sperm and eggs) and surrogates titled Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families. I'm really enjoying it so far as it brings up many of the strange and unique issues that come up when you create a family with the help of a person outside of the family. Whether you are gay or straight you share many of the same experiences. Unlike many such books that do a good job of talking about the donor experience of heterosexual parents to be (like Helping the Stork), this one seems to focus equally on all different sorts of families who create life with help of an "other".

If you're planning to or have already created a child with the help of those outside your family, you may want to check this book out. I'm thinking it may be a good one to share with our family members who have questions too.

Waxing Poetic

We were at the pet store buying yet another Rosie Flat Rat and The Sweater Song by Weezer came on the radio. The guy behind the counter turned it up and for a few minutes we all stood bopping to one of the best songs ever. Then Counter Guy says: "When did Weezer get so lame? I remember when I bought this album on cassette. It was so good."

And all I could think was...

Dude, you bought the Weezer blue album on CASSETTE?

If you want to destroy my sweater....pull this thread as I walk away...watch me unravel I'll soon be naked...lying on the floor...lying on the floor I've come undone...

That is SO the best.

Dear Santa

I know it's Christmas Eve, and you're very busy, but I have just a one little thing I would like. You see, this baby making business, it has it's advantages. One of them is that Sacha gets a new vibrator. So if you happen to want to drop a pretty little number in my stocking, here is my suggestion.

Love,

Sacha

p.s. Please include lube :)

One of our Stories

I'm feeling melacholy. Prob because I'm back to work tomorrow and not entirely recovered. So here is one of our stories.

M. and I met in college and we were friends before we got together. She was (is) my first and only love. We went through this period where we were living together, sleeping together but I had this insane idea that somehow we could find husbands and get married and live next to each other.

M. knew diff and it caused a lot of long conversations and crying, not a very good memory, and I hate how much my stupidity hurt her. This is why I don't like to share this story with people.

We were living in Eastern Washington and it was summer. Effing 108 degrees during the day and it never cooled down at night. We would get in my car drive out of the city where the air ws cooler. One of those nights we were having the same conversation, how I was going to leave her, and I had this MOMENT. I realized that I either had to stay with M. or lose her forever. I couldn't have this half-baked, half assed compromise I'd come up with in my mind that would allow me to keep her but keep me from having to be GAY. So I said...

"I guess I'll stay with you then."

For me that was it. I was never going to let her go. But she didn't quite get the significance of my statement. The next day M. drove back to the Seattle area and I called her and said....

"Maybe in a few years we can have some sort of ceremony."

Then she got it.

We were married in our church in 1999 and in B.C. in 2004, but I consider that the moment that I proposed.

Fin.

Lawyer Lisa

We have just returned from visiting Lawyer Lisa. Yay! The funny thing, M. managed to freak out the LAWYER with her level of planning about this entire process. High points:

• There is a law in WA state that says if the conception is Intercourse Free, the donor automatically gives up his rights. Until we talked to Lawyer Lisa we thought the only way to completely protect our rights prior to a second parent adoption was to inseminiate in a doctor's office. Not so.
  
• DtD's BF will be signing the contract as well. This is good from our standpoint because it involves him in the process.
• We have officially opted out of getting individual representation. Lawyer Lisa had to inform us that we really could end up hating each other by the end of this little project.
  
• If the WA supreme court ruling on legal marriage comes down in our favor before the baby is born we'll just put M.'s name on the birth certificate and call it done. General opinion is that the ruling WILL come down before this baby is born. It is my dream that we could be able to do this.
  
• Even if the ruling doesn't come down, if we bring our legal marriage certificate to the hospital and we convince some unsuspecting nurse, or even a collaborating nurse, to put M.'s name on the birth certificate, we can call it done and not do a second parent adoption.
  
• Lawyer Lisa said she's been seeing an upswing of people using known donors. It was nice to hear that other people are embarking on this crazy adventure as well.
• We had to admit to Lawyer Lisa that although we've known DtD for over two years, we a) don't know his address off the top of our heads, b) don't really know his birthday, c) don't know his BF's last name.
  
• The contract will be to us for review next week and ready to be signed the week after.

The things that made Lawyer Lisa laugh at us:

1. When I told her "oh, we've already told DtD that he WILL be getting his own council."
2. When M. wanted to write in the sexual activity questionnaire into the contract.
   
3. When M. declared "We are pioneers!"

The one thing that made Lawyer Lisa scared:

1. When we revealed that DtD just happens to be in the military. Yeah, I haven't really told you about that yet, dear readers. It just adds a whole new level of complication to the issue.
   

We're off to spend the afternoon with our bestest friend in the whole world.

Bed Love

I am madly in love with our bed. It's the most comfortable fluffy slice of heaven. We gave up sleeping with a top sheet and use only a bottom sheet and a cotton duvet over our down comforter. I swear I have never been so comfortable or warm in my life. We used to have to have the top sheet as well as a blanket or two in the winter, but with this new set up, just the duvet is warm enough.

I just put on our new striped bottom sheet and our green duvet. What a handsome, well-dressed bed. If it didn't look so nice and if I didn't want M. to see it looking so pretty, I would crawl in right now.

Ahhhhh, bed.

Vegetarianism and Pregnancy

I've been contemplating going vegetarian for a while now. It all started because of a cookbook. I picked up Deborah Madison's Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone at Costco because I wanted to find a way to incoporate more veggies into our diet. I figured I'd get some good side dishes. I never expected it to completely change the way I eat, but it did. I don't think I'm entirely ready for the leap. I like turkey at Thanksgiving. We eat a meat dish about once a week at the moment. But I'm consciously making more vegetarian choices on a daily basis.

So, I'd like to get through my future pregnancy and maintain my mostly vegetarian diet. I've made an agreement with M. that I'll eat fish once a week. Other than that, I'm going to stick with what's working for me right now. I'm a good cook and have accomplished combining foods so we're getting our complete proteins on a regular basis. With some careful planning, I know we can make this work. Ultimately I feel a mostly vegetarian diet is the best thing for my health and my baby's health.

Here are some resources I've found, all legitimate sites:

Vegetarian Diets During Pregnancy
Vegetarian Nutrition Resource List
Vegetarian Diets During Pregnancy, Lactation and Infancy
The Vegetarian Society - Preganancy Information Sheet

Self Medication and the EVIL doc

This is becoming the I'M SICK blog. M. thinks if I whine enough I'll wring some psuedo sympathy out of someone. I'm finishing up my dinner of instant miso soup and sherbet then I'm going to knock myself out with red grape dimatapp so I can wake up at 0400 and see if I need to call in or not.

I love red grape dimatapp. And don't get me started on theraflu. Mmmmmm, theraflu....

But first, I'll infect the keyboard just a little more.

M. told me this horrid story about lesbian parents who ventured out of their supportive environment to the wasteland that is Nevada and their baby got sick. I guess they ended up at the mercy of a real ass of a pediatrician who a) didn't take their concerns seriously and b) actually had the chutzpah to ask how they conceived.

As a nurse who works in a hospital where the Handmaiden to the MD role is NOT reinforced (yes I call docs by their first names and yes, I have yelled at them when they almost sent my patient into respiratory distress), I cannot tell you the holy hell that would rain down on any doctor who fucked with my not-even-born-yet baby.

Time to take my poor aching bod to snuggle under my wonderful covers.

No Drilling in ANWR and Intelligent Design

I wish I could actually sleep. Sleep would be nice. On top of being sick, we're starting OPKs today. Which means I'm sick and can't drink anything and I have to try not to pee. Wah. I'm going to post this, respond to an e-mail then watch one of my fave movies: House of Flying Daggers. At least I can be lying on the couch and not moving.

Two very good things today.

A judge in Pennsylvania has given intelligent design the SMACK DOWN. If you want to believe in intelligent design as part of your religious structure, please feel free. But do NOT equate is with evolution in our public schools. The judge said that it was creationism in disguise and that to make intelligent design work the purveyors of the theory have to both LIE and try to bring the supernatural into the natural world of science.

And...

Drilling in ANWR has been blocked. And the charge to block it was led by Washington State senator Maria Cantwell. Ms. Cantwell, you ROCK.

I'm sick...

I mean snot dripping from my nose, sinus pressure making my face ache, chest tight, every breath burning kind of sick. And I'm up in the middle of the night because this seems to be my latest habit: not sleeping. Grrrrrr. I'm about to go lay on the couch and put the fluffy down blanket over my head and see if I can make my body rest. And I had to call in sick, using up some of my precious sick leave.

I was reading through our old posts. I realized that M. wrote that our donor was going to talk to his mother before making a decision on whether or not to do this. He decided not to talk to his mum because he knew she'd give him a hard time over this. Of course he's heading back to spend the holidays with the fam and we don't have a signed contract yet, so she could still come into play. Luckily his BF will be with him so hopefully there will be no midnight confessions of future donorhood from DtD to his mother.

Is there any real reason to feel this unstable? Not at all. DtD has shown himself to be 100% with us from the moment he agreed. It's me. I'm too undeserving of this. I'm not worthy. My own self hatred drives me to look for failure around every corner.

Only a few more weeks to get through. We should be able to sign the contract the first week of January.

All I want for Christmas is a Baby Daddy...

Our donor called after I left a message about the lawyer. He had some feedback on the sample contracts we left him. Nothing major. We had a nice chat about pregnancy, my stupid ovulation, high risk pregnancies, my tiny fibroid, his broken truck, bed linens, his nephews, code brown stories, and my slowly increasing insanity over being a floor nurse.

Bottom line. Perfectly normal conversation, he's still on board, I didn't completely freak out on him, everything is good. Muy, muy bueno.

Friday is contract day. We have the money together. I can't convey how excited I am.

Some people get Tivo or an iPod, we're getting a baby daddy for Christmas.

Heterophobia

I've been reading An Accident of Hope and Trista made a comment about being heterophobic.

I have to admit there is part of me that does not want the straight world involved in me and M. making a baby. Our donor is gay and I'm really happy about that. On one level it's easy. We don't have to face his skepticism. He gets it. On another level I like that by having a child and using a gay donor, and planning to keep him as part of our child's life, we are giving that child what neither M., myself of DtD had: a family who will accept said child for whoever he or she is from day one.

Are we willing a gay child by doing this? DtD has queer family members. I have some long lost "maiden" aunts no one talks about. M. has an uncle who committed suicide at the height of the AIDS crisis who was definately gay. Is it genetic? If you subscribe to the 10% theory, isn't it only a matter of time before every family has a homo of their own?

The other question, do I really give a shit? In a way, not really. I want more gay people in this world. It's not a gay person' s fault if the world is an ugly place. It's the world's fault and the only way we can change this is through visibility.

Am I heterophobic? Well, I'm not afraid of straight people but they get on my last nerve some times. I suffer from velvet rage: the constant nagging undercurrent of anger that comes from being assaulted with the subtle messages of "you are lesser" that are thrown at us. My SIL telling M. that she's militant and that she thought M. had "gotten over that". That somehow standing up for your rights is wrong. Her assertion that somehow having a penis involved makes her relationship inherently better. The assumption that we automatically know our place as lesser and freaks, and that by knowing our place we are being respectful.

When straight people understand the plight of gays and lesbians, feel the pain of our fight to be with the people we love, see us as the SAME as them. THEN I will be free of heterophobia. Because at this moment, in this country, with this administration, the straight people in power do have the ability to rip everything away from me. And it is not my responsibility to be understanding toward their plight.

And that's velvet rage.

Hot or Not

Have you seen HOT OR NOT? It is quite addictive. So I've come up with a good rating system to quickly get through the pictures.

• If your picture sucks it's an automatic 1. I don't care how cute you are, at least put up a decent picture.
• If you don't show titties (cleavage) you cannot get rated above a 7.
• Cute but no titties, 4-6.
• Unattractive with titties, 7.
• Attractive with titties, 8-9.
• Attractive with tits and ass, 10.

M. said to end this post by saying I am BAD BAD BAD person. I'll remind you that she's the one who pointed me to the site.

Back to the baby stuff

It was a brief respite.

We have a date with a lawyer. Friday is the day we will go discuss the contract. Yikes.

In the meantime, to reduce my anxiety I have decided we need to talk to our donor once a week. I was going to start my weekly phone calls after the New Year when he comes back from vaca, but ALAS, with going to Lawyer Lisa on Friday, I need to call him today so he can give us any feedback. He he.

In the meantime, I get to have coffee with an ex-coworker, one of my other favorite people in the entire world (do you get the feeling I have a lot of favorite people? I do.) Oh, and give blood. Because usually they disqualify me because my iron is too low. Not low enough to be anemic but low. I figured since I'm on honkin' prenatals it's a good time to do a good deed.

The end. Off to shower and give M. the computer back.

Brokeback Mountain

I don't want this blog to turn into just whining about a baby all the time. Project Baby is taking a lot of my emotional energy at the moment but it's not what I'm all about.

Brokeback Mountain

I have to admit that I adore most of my gay male friends because typically their minds are about as dirty as my own. What do they say about the gay epic? Anything about the superb acting? The cinemtography? The haunting music? Nope. Just "Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, they're SO HOT." I valiantly ignored my friend Roy who insisted on referring to the movie as Bareback Mounting.

What did I think of the movie? It was very good but it was lacking. The relationship between the two leads was never brought to the level of intimacy you would expect between two people who in many ways are devoted to each other their entire lives. Yes, there was sex. There was even hot kissing. But there wasn't that moment of tenderness where the audience gets to share in the connection two people have that goes beyond fucking. I've read the story and it's there in the story. And it's in the movie as well but it's been banished to the status of traditional gay subtext. You get it but you have to read between the lines.

Does this movie deserve an oscar? Abso-fucking-lutely. Heath Ledger alone will blow you away. He brings all the pain, isolation and lonliness of Ennis DelMar to life. The cinematography is amazing. You are shown the isolation that the characters feel.

Maybe it's okay to read between the lines to get the relationship because Brokeback Mountain is all about what is never said. Damn, I'm going to start crying again.

Here's the story by Annie Proulx: Brokeback Mountain

What's your sign, little girl?

We have this book that combines your astrological sign and your Chinese sign then tells you all about yourself. And it's creepily accurate. This morning we realized that we'd never consulted THE BOOK about DtD. M. ran out into the living room, naked as god meant her to be, brought it back to bed and we cuddled up together in an attempt to pry into DtD's psyche.

Here's what the book has to say about me: When it comes to knowing how to love, romance, tenderness, loyalty and depth of feeling are true qualities. Taurus/Pigs have them all. They are really all or nothing love bugs with a unique taste for the finest that sensuality has to offer. Never serenade a Taurus/Pig under her window or swashbuckle around her. She'll only laugh and you won't be able to see that cozy nest.... Be cool. And intelligent. And funny.

And my M. ... If a Leo/Rat loves somebody deeply and fondly and tenderly, it is very often irrevocably forever. If you love a Leo/Rat and she loves you back, you had better hustle to find ways to amuse and entertain this active monster mind. Loving one of these people means expending both energy and emotion. You cannot be only partially in love with a Leo/Rat.

And DtD... When you encounter such a character, naturally you know you have met someone extraordinary. The Cancerian Ox is an instinctual being who operates out of grit and endurance. He knows from the beginning that the shortest distance between two goals is straight ahead. For the Cancerian Ox, love is their own private premises. They live for their love and very often say with the same loved one for life. This stubborn Cancer/Ox knows suprisingly well how to compromise in matters of feeling. He hangs on in the most perilous of storms.

What does this tell me? That between M., myself and our donor, we have three committed people who love strongly. And I love that. Loving and being loved is such a huge part of what makes me feel grounded and sane. I just don't know if I'd be as healthy as I am if I wasn't so loved.

And I just officially cheesed all over you, my dear reader.

My mind is fucking with me

My body feels like it's getting ready to get pregnant.

I had this very strange dream. Not entirely strange because it's a hospital dream and I always have them when I'm going back to work. I dreamed I'm getting fluids, they're running from a bag into an IV in my arm. Except it's not fluids, it's tiny cupcakes with silver frosting. Usually my hospital dreams are highly distressing. I'm running the ER. I'm being fluid resuscitated. I can't breath. This one wasn't distressing at all.

Now M. tells me that silver is the color of pregnancy.

If this works I'm having a tiny silver cupcake charm made into a necklace and I will never take it off.

Hello from Inside the Shark Tank

It's good to have support, especially right now. I had one of those moments today.

I worked in ICU (The Unit) for a year and ended up being close with most of the nurses there. I'd called one (a gay man) to ask for MD advice on Friday and by the time I made my lunch appearance (I go visit every couple weeks), everyone knew we had a 'yes'. And they were so excited. It was nice because outside M. and our two best friends, I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone. I could give them most of the details minus DtD's real name. And because they don't run in circles that know both of us there's not chance they'd just guess who it is.

For a few minutes I could just be happy without all the other crazy crap hanging over my head. Hell, I'm still happy.

Nice to meet you, I'm a big fat homo

We live in one of the most gay friendly cities in the U.S. And still queers run into discrimination issues, especially in health care.

Neither M. or myself have too many problems walking into the office of an unknown doctor and announcing ourselves to be non-mainstream. But this has come from years and years of practice. And from knowing that our lives are inherently political if we want to have the level of freedom and honesty that we've come to enjoy. This doesn't make it fun when the doctor reading my mamogram says "And WHO are YOU?" to M. because I asked for her to be in the room with me and she doesn't have a penis to make our relationship easily discernable.

DtD is having doctor issues. He has to walk into the doctor and announce that he's trying to make a baby with two other women, and deal openly with his sex life, and do this all alone (I'm thinking of offering to go with him if his bf isn't available and he'd like a friend by his side.) So he's asked up for help (praise jeebus). In the very least he's going to get a good doctor out of this.

What have we discovered? It's very difficult, even in Seattle, to locate a doctor who can deal specifically and sensitively with queer men's health. We have non-profits and clinics that focus specifically on lesbians. Men have Gay City which is more about safe sex in the park than about finding a good practitioner.

Is this going to turn me into an activist for gay mens' health? Maybe not, but it will put it on my radar in the same way that 1.5 years of volunteering at an AIDS hospice made me realize the devestation that HIV is still wreaking. Gay men should be able to find safe spaces for their health care in the same way lesbians are able.

Let the monitoring begin!

I think it's all coming together.

A friend I met on FF offered to loan us her fertility monitor. How cool is that? We're picking it up on Monday and will start using it next cycle.

Now, you may not know this, but OPKs are difficult for a nurse to use. POAS at a certain time of day, witholding liquids and peeing at certain times of the day is pretty hard to do when you're running around like crazy for 12 hours straight. So, Sacha's DElighted at the possibility of being able to use FMU to detect her surge. Since we're going to be using fresh sperm, our timing doesn't have to be as exact and the monitor should work fine...I hope! Ahh, a new aspect of TTC to obsess about.

Now if DtD would just tell us when he's going to the Dr. and fill out his second form, I'd feel great.

Getting to Know Him

We have the first of our forms back from DtD and I'm giddy. This leads to moments like, awww, he has BLUE eyes. Oh, he's 5'9". Hmmm, I didn't know he smoked for five years. Bad, bad boy.

What about the shit-load of heart disease he's adding to my near-perfect family health history. Yes, we're overweight but we have little cancer, little heart disease, little diabetes, little anything. We live forever (great grandma died at 108, grandma is pushing 92, not daisies).

Is it right to look at Project Baby as a genetic engineering experiment? The opportunity to thin out the flaws our our families?

We're all going to die of something. It used to be infectious disease until antibiotics were brought on the scene. Now we're privileged enough to get fat off our wealth and die because of it. If it's not heart disease, it'll be stroke. If it's not stroke, cancer. Not cancer, you'll lose your mind. And in the end you'll aspirate and die of pneumonia because your muscles won't let you swallow anymore. There is no way to exit this life gracefully. If anything, that's what working in the hospital has taught me.

If I could have M.s genetic baby it would come with her cute nose, her blue eyes, her German heritage, her mother's early heart attack and her grandfather's alcoholism. Is this much different than what our donor brings to our genetic soup? Not really. Would I care? No. What I see is that he brings his goodness, his caring and he's someone who I can see being a significant part of our child's life. Is this more important than the right genetic combination for eternal health?

I think so.

The High Cost of Nursing

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to be pregnant and be a nurse at the same time. Stressful jobs equal preterm labor. It's not a guarantee but sitting on my ass for nine hours a day would be safer for our future child versus running my ass off and trying to balance a million different things, let alone having people's lives in my hands. I don't know if M. and I could afford for me to go to part time but I may have to in order to keep our baby healthy. I guess we can figure it out.

The nice thing about nursing is you can do it in a million different ways. I could look for temp work somewhere besides the busiest hospital in the Seattle Metro Area. I'm just going to trust things will work out.

Whacking IT off

I'm horrified when anyone is actually on the fence regarding circumcision. In my mind it's putting your baby through unecessary pain and making a decision for him which you don't have the right. Try to cut off my clit and I'd probably bite you and draw blood.

Our donor is opposed to circumcision. M. and I are as well. Considering that he has a TON of boys in his family, at least we're on the same page.

I'm still working through what I think about it when there are religious reasons.

Here's another reason to not circumcise. M. found an article about a connection between breast feeding and circumcision: Circumcision and Breastfeeding Complications

Morning has broken

For some reason I do a lot of thinking in the shower or in those delicious moments when I lie in bed, my body still heavy with sleep, my brain lightly buzzing with all my hopes and dreams.

This morning I was picturing our baby and visiting M.'s horrid sis and bro-in-law. Her BIL made me cry in Appleby's because he's such an ass. Her sis thinks we're militant homos. Anyhoo, they have 8 y/o twins and I was imagining having to explain our baby to them. It went something like this:

"This is your cousin."

"Are you the mommy?"

"Yes, and Auntie M. is the mommy too."

"Who's the daddy?"

"This baby doesn't have a daddy. It has two mommies that love it just like you have two parents who love you."

"How did you make a baby without a daddy?"

"We had special help from our friend who knew how much we wanted this little one."

"Cool!"

Do I expect the conversation to go like this? Maybe. I'm concerned about BIL/SIL needing to put their own moral judgements onto us. I don't trust that M.'s sis will handle this well, especially since we're using a known donor who will be present in the child's life. It's going to challenge the box she's built around herself.

So yes, SIL, we are miltant homos in the aspect that our having a family like yours is inherently a political act of defiance toward the norm. And if you see living our lives with honesty and openess as a problem, fuck off.

Latest Baby Names

Let it be known that I've been naming my future children for about a decade now. This is not because we are SO close to making Project Baby a reality. Here's my latest list of girl names:

Zivia
Lynley
Avery
Clementine
Lark

I came up with Lark this morning and so far it has met with committee approval (aka M. liked it). I really like it. It has flair, it's hard to nick name, it's hard to make fun of, it would look good on a book jacket.

Reason #131 to never date girls

I've just reinforced DtD's list of why he decided to turn from our fairer sex. I bet he thought he escaped all the neurotic emotional mumbo jumbo that comes with breasts and a vagina, then here I am bringing it all back into his life in full force.

The good news. After all my anxiety over the last week, the 'yes' is 'YES', as in we have our baby daddy. I just had to confirm that because I need absolutes to feel safe in life.

The other good news. My period started which means that most of my anxiety can be chalked up to hormones. I can be INSANE-CRAZY right before my period.

Is there bad news? Not really. As my dear, dear friend Todd would say, it's all good.

The demise (yet again) of Rosie Flat Rat

We ended up spending the night at the (pa)rents-in-laws (RILs) house. In the meantime our little Zoe-bug (isn't she cute) decided to decimate Rosie Flat Rat #35. I found Rosie's head on the bathroom mat. M. found Rosie's tail in kitchen nook. The other six parts of her body were scattered about the house.

Zoe is now playing with Rosie Flat Rat #36.

Adding Blog Links

I have to think about how to do this and make it work but we're going to add links to blogs. If you want us to link to your blog, give a shout-out.

Pardon me, I didn't mean to put my mouth on your vagina

We've sent DtD a shit load of forms. Okay, three. It feels like a shit load. Anyway, it includes....The Sexual Activity Questionnaire. I wasn't sure on this one 'cause I trust DtD to be straightforward with us. But it's best to be safe and make sure there's not a "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I was drunk at some bar back in June and fucked some guy in the bathroom stall."

What might we get to know about our donor?

How often does he put someone's penis in his rectum?

How often does he put someone's penis in his mouth?

How often does he put his penis in his mouth?**

**okay we don't need to know this, but I know it can be done. I've surfed for porn, baby.

Baby Names Rules

A new rule for picking baby names. It has to come with a song.

Lola
Clementine
Mandy
Matilda
Daniel
Benny (and the Jets)
Sister Christian

Any other ideas?

I am a GIANT GIRL

Hello my dearies.

I'm writing from GIANT GIRL land (GG land). In GG Land you sit around wringing your hands waiting for HIM to call. You wonder what HE's doing. How HE's feeling. You analyze every little action, every little non-action. You continously rise from the pit of despair to heights unimaginable.

I haven't sunk to listening to sad love songs quite yet.

Is it only a matter of time? When you are stuck in GG Land are you facing a destiny whose course cannot be changed? Are you at the whims of your gender and social conditioning? In other words, can you make a decision just not to be a giant girl, to handle what life gives you with grace and aplomb?

I'm fucking 34 years old. For almost thirteen of those I escaped GG Land through the beautiful, sometimes perilous, passage of marriage. But I now realize there is no escape because deep down in my heart....I AM A GIANT GIRL.

Whoops, we had a problem

Thanks to a friend for pointing out that we had a blogger situation. Sacha accidentally made a change so that none of your lovely comments would show up. But as you can see, they're all up now. Thanks for letting us know! And, I'm glad to know you're all still out there. I don't feel lonely anymore. : )

Is Anyone Reading This?

We haven't had any responses in quite a while and I'm feeling lonely. Give a shout out if you're there!

He Called

Ok, I think everything is ok. He called with the info we needed to move forward. He said he just forgot. As hard as that is for me to believe, I guess he's just not wound up about this as tightly as we are.

Trying to not be so paranoid now.

Now we all start working on a list of related duties:

• semen analysis
• health history questionnaire
• general health checkups
• std testing
• appt with lawyer
• whew!

Hopefully we can get this all done before the week of January 16 when we hope to have our first insemination!

The fear sets in

Ok, for a whole 24 hours after our talk we were absolutely thrilled, giddy, felt like we'd had a first kiss with our new boy (this in itself is a strange effect of working with a known donor that I anticipated, but it's still strange).

Then that night, we called him to touch base on a few details we'd put together. We left a message on his cell phone. That was 37 hours ago and he hasn't returned our call. We even made a second call last night, 24 hours in.

Now we're neurotically freaked out. And the fact that we both are isn't helping anything. Neither of us is rational, except for the occasional moment of sanity.

Has he changed his mind? Does he need more time to think? Did he find out his partner has an STD? Was his "yes" not as firm as we thought it was? Was it all just a dream?

While the great feeling was indeed great, this part sucks. There very well could be a number of reasonable explanations for his lack of call. Or our fears could be true.

Either way, we just want to know.

And, we want to stop feeling like teenage stalker girls.

Who Knew?

I just found out that Sacha's employer has a lactation room available 24/7 and a breast pump she can borrow too. Seems pretty evolved, huh? That should really help when she has to go back to work since we're planning for her to breastfeed. It's the little things that make me happy.

And it was...

When I finally managed, in my completely fucked up non-communicative fashion, to pose THE QUESTION to DtD the reality of what we are doing hit me hard. What the hell were we thinking?

Well, we have the official answer. It's 'yes'. And it feels FANtastic.

This is the right thing to do. For me. For us. For M. For our child. It provides more people to love and care for that child. It keeps us from approaching the other half of our child's genetic code as a commodity. It will allow us to normalize the process for our child from the beginning and for him or her to always know where she or he comes from. And they'll get two uncles to boot.

It's just good.

Not that using a known donor doesn't come with challenges. It also comes with benefits that you lose when your baby comes from a syringe that arrived via Fed Ex.

M. is happy. DtD is closer to her heritage than mine, actually looks more like her family than mine. He's closer to my height. And he's a good person and that counts for so much.

Peace to everyone out there.

The Wheels are Rolling...

We got a call from DtD last night and he wants to meet with us in person Monday. He said that "the answer is basically yes" but that he and his partner have a few questions. So, I'm pretty excited to talk further. I'm going crazy wondering what their questions are of course and need to get focused on what we want to talk about tomorrow. If everything goes well, I think the next step will be to ask him to get a semen analysis, since we don't want to move forward if this isn't possible on his side.

Ahhh, talking (writing) about this is making my crazy head spin! Wish us luck tomorrow. This feels so real now. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Although I has some concerns given his initial reaction, Sacha made it clear we don't want to co-parent, so hopefully he's moved past that. Who knows, maybe when he said "we could work out some sort of visitation" he was thinking that's what we wanted. Building these kinds of relationships is very unique, and I think all parties aren't sure what to expect. So, we'll see where he is tomorrow and I'll let you know.