Stress: Fraying at the Edges
When we started trying to concieve it was easy to anticipate how stressful it would be. After all, the stress is something completely abstract. You tell yourself that of course trying to make a baby is stressful. It's stressful for everyone.Then reality hits. And it hits hard.
You miss your old selves. The people who could just love each other without blame and accusations hanging in the room. And you remind yourself that those people aren't gone. They are still there, they still love each other, and they'll be back. We just have to hold onto each other and get through this.
We've been together for thirteen years and have been through difficult times. If I didn't have that to hang onto, I might feel like everything I've built my world on is crumbling into tiny pieces, ripped apart by our phantom baby and my own failures.
We start trying again this weekend but I feel like I haven't really had a break from the TTC rollercoaster this time. I wanted to get away from all that pressure during the week between the END and yet another beginning. Except until this morning we haven't been able to find a way to talk about IT and failing at IT without all our own anxieties and frustrations taking over the conversation.
And in the middle of all this we have to find a way to stay connected to all the love we have for each other. This is hard.
TWW, here we come.
posted by Sacha @ 11:12 AM
10 comments
10 Comments:
It is stressful TTC, but it is well worth it when it works! Then you stay up late talking and planning for your future baby, and reconnect sort of. When you get pregnant is when the fun begins because you get to go shopping!!
Hold on tight. Keep talking. It is so very hard because you both want it so very much.
I'm sending you both hugs.
I can relate totally as this is only "technically" our 2nd month TTC but up until you actually start trying there is a lot of emotional preparation and physical preparation that goes into it so when you actually do start trying it feels as though you have been on this forever. Stay positive and remember why you are doing this. You know your wife is the one you want to have a child with and you want to share your life with that is what got you here, without all that foundation you wouldn't even be trying to conceive at this time. So you are both here for a reason, you love one another so much and you are willing to go through this together through the bad and then the fantastic, which is baby.
I do know how you feel with the fear of can I get pregnant what is wrong with me that I am not pregnant and then the need for other people other then your wife to help you get pregnant bears such an amount of stress. But you have so much support from your readers that I think you can make it through this. Vent to us and love your wife. Forget all the blame and judgement and preconcieved notion, who else better to go through this with then your wife who is there out of choice.
It is hard, and it's impossible to predict how either of you will react to the stresses and strains of ttc. I tend to turn in on myself somewhat, and think about things so much that often there are things which I realise that I've forgotten to talk about out loud with Karen - not the best situation!
Whilst it's very hard to step outside of ttc, as it's hard to let a month go by when you could be trying to get pregnant and aren't, I think it's really essential for your mental health to take a break every now and then to re-group, re-enthuse and re-discover each other outside of all the ttc stresses and strains.
When we started out, we always knew that we would have a break after 3 tries, so we didn't feel too bad about taking some time out. It can help to have a plan like that I think.
Hugs to you both - and plenty to each other I should hope!
Tamsin
Oh it sucks big time. There were days when I wanted to KILL Jean.. and times when I was mad at her because every other woman in the world could make a baby, why couldn't she? TTC is so stressful... just preparing you for pregnancy, birth, and parenthood I guess.
There are lots of folks to comisserate with out in blogland at least! I WISH I had had a blog when we were trying!
So Sorry. It really is hard on the relationship. As a therapist I must recommend that you consider seeing someone (esp a lesbian or someone who deals with infertility because they have experience with all of the tests, procedures and crap we go through with artificial insems). It can be sooooooo helpful just in terms of having a time set aside each week or every other week when there is a 3rd person to help you sort through some of this. Just a suggestion. I love it when great couples who are not about to divorce come to see me to work through something like this.
Personally though I totally relate. TTC and parenthood (then both tgether!!)really test the love and communication we have build over 11 years.
Thank you to everyone for the kind words. I like Charlotte's idea of therapy.
I need someone to talk to and have very few people in my life who fit the bill. It makes it worse that one of my four friends is also our donor. And when you talk to a friend, your spouse starts feeling talked about. Argh.
I have to look at the budget. Therapy is for those of us who are lucky enough to have a living wage. And I just added acupuncture sessions to our weekly bills.
At least baking worked out some of the stress.
Can you feel the Massive Wave Of Empathy crashing over you from the Eastside?
I didn't chart or any of that, and I conceived in 7 cycles which is very normal for us hets, but every minute of it SUCKED and I wish that all women could conceive by waving a magic wand in the direction of the person they want to make a baby with.
The second round of TTC was far easier, FWIW.
I know TTC is so hard, I did notice that your Luteal Phase is really short sometimes that can be a problem. Did you guys talk to your OB/GYN about that maybe being a factor... ?
Hi Sacha,
I am so sorry you are feeling so much stress over the TTC and that it hasn't worked yet. I hope that it gets easier and your wait is short.
TTC hit my wife and I hard, too. We did 13 inseminations with frozen sperm, a year and a half, (I had 3 chemical pregnancies in there). I was really surprised, then shocked, then distraught, because I expected to get pregnant easily (like most women do before starting, I expect). The length of time trying and the early losses were pretty aweful, and there were times I felt very hopeless.
I know you and M will find your way through this stressful time. There were a couple of things that helped us, and I wanted to share them with you in case you find them to be of any use.
First, My wife and I had a TTC meeting with author & midwife Stephanie Brill of Maia Midwifery in the Bay area, CA - we had to travel to do it but it was worth it. She looked at my TTC charts and made suggestions and offered concrete support; we could then call her on the phone and get 5-10 minutes of calm, caring listening and advice if we needed it. It really, really helped with the stress.
Second, it got a little easier after the first 2-3 months, becasue I stopped thinking that insemination would automatically make me pregnant. I knew that one year was considered normal for TTC even for hets, but had not been listening to it.
We started planning small day or weekend "vacations" during the middle of the 2 week wait to distract me - it had to be good enough to truly distract me from the 2ww - for me this involved hiking, islands, ocean, a home-fest with lots of really, really, good movies and snacks, or throwing a large party (hostessing always worked really well as a distraction). Plus, we had fun and it kept our relationship about more than TTC.
On the medical front I had an ultrasound to make sure I was ovulating when I thought I was, and I had my progesterone tested 7-9 days after O to make sure I didn't have a luteal phase defect. I did have low progeterone, and so used progesterone suppositories during the 2WW. This also helped because the progesterone makes looking for little pregnancy symptoms futile and it was easier to not fixate on the twinges.
Finally, I listened to my partner. After the last chemical pregnancy she looked straight at me and said that we had been through so much pursuing our family that she had had an epiphany. She said it was abundantly clear that we would have our family somehow in the next 2 years - either I would get pregnant at home or we would pursue IVF or we would adopt. It was sharing our life with our child that was important and she knew we could do it. And she looked so certain and happy when she said it that I believed her. She was right.
Good luck.
Juno
junob4@gmail.com
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