My Mother is Driving me CRAZY!
Somewhere in the last few months my mother has decided to forget that she's going to be the grandparent and started thinking she will be the PARENT of our baby.
Her latest was telling me that I'm 'mocking' the baby because I was joking about naming it Flagyleeza. She had NO sense of humor about the whole thing and informed me that the baby can feel my vibes.
Vibes of laughter and good humor?
I promise to mock my baby when it does something that require mocking. Okay, just kidding. At the moment its floating in amniotic fluid and likes it more when mommy laughs than when mommy is pissed at grandma.
M. and I are thinking moving to New Zealand is starting to look pretty damn good.
I thought my mother would stay at a low annoying buzz but she's not. She needs to be reminded that she is NOT this baby's parent, that we WILL make decisions she will disagree with and she must RESPECT our right to do that.
And guess how good I am at having to do things like confront my mother. TERRIBLE.
I was going to talk to her today but I'm too worn out. This weekend should be a good time. Internet support group, give me strength...and stories. I'm sure this is not an isolated experience.
posted by Sacha @ 4:45 PM
16 comments
16 Comments:
Sounds exactly like my mother. Truly. My advice, for what it's worth...Try to see her hypercritical mode as her way--misguided though it may be--of showing that she's going to be a caring, protective grandma, and that she's excited about and invested in her new role. We want our moms to say "What a great job you're doing" as we become mothers, but some moms--mine, at least--show their love and involvement by "taking the baby's side and critiquing us. I'm still trying (getting better, not there yet!) to just shine her on and not let it get to me when she does this. My son is into a book series called Dinotopia and one of their sayings is "Breathe deep. Seek peace." The best advice. Good luck! (Exciting about your baby on the way!) Melissa
www.growingfamilytree.blogspot.com
Flagyleeza hee hee :-D
Moms can be crazy-making at the best of times (I just spent a weekend with mine, so I am totally feeling you on this one). But at the same time they can be great. Good luck talking with her - I think you're right to do it now before things get worse and if done gently, it doesn't need to turn into a confrontation.
Vanessa and I have decided to begin searching for surrogate grandparents for our children. Since my parents reached their sixties, they look at any kid or dog they see like it's a fire-breathing lizard, hopelessly ill-behaved and a menace to society. Isn't it amazing when you discover a new way in which your mother can be annoying? Just when you're sure she has covered all of the bases.
One thing I have learned, though, is that it feels good to occasionally remind mom of her place in the order of things. These days I tell her what kind of support I need from her, and I get off the phone very quickly if she makes it clear that she cannot oblige.
I found being very direct and telling my mom what was working for us and what wasn't has been the key. I realize I've hurt her feelings in the process but she's become exactly what we needed as a result. And we constantly stroke her grandma ego by telling her that she's the best. We all want to hear that from people we love and respect so I know it's reduced the 'sting'. We're going to be stayig with her for one month starting next week for the holidays, praying for patience and strength over here ; )- My parnters mom on the other hand is wayyyy too sensitive so we haven't said anything to her. We don't spend as much time with her anyway so we mostly just grin and bare it.
I personally think Flagyleeza's a great name. heh.
I think you have to just stand up to her, and I know you can do it. Mine is already after me about which private school to put Gert in. Um, private school? She's still probably a fetus, and you want to discuss school? (FTR, Gert's most likely going to be homeschooled.) Gah. I hear ya.
Holy crap... I'm transported back in time to M's pregnancy. On the day we told her, my mom showed up with a carton of milk... in case we were unaware that milk exists. The next day, she wanted to make sure that M was planning to breastfeed and had already collected La Leche League pamphlets (I guess since we didn't know milk existed, it could be extrapolated that breastfeeding would also be a new concept!)
It got better and better throughout the pregnancy, to the point that we decided that she could NOT be in the delivery room until after our first bonding hour with the baby. (We put this in the birth plan and got LOTS of 'you're terrible daughters' looks from the nurses, but who cares, right?)
After 2 1/2 years of hearing her say, "You're the parents, and I respect whatever you say," we know she doesn't really mean it. On their 'day' every week, she goes to play dates, music lessons, and generally basks in the (grand???)parental role.
All of this said, though, we're really grateful to have her in town. Our daughter loves her, and that's what matters.
Sounds like you'll keep your sense of humor throughout the process... good luck when it gets tough, though!
Bree
I had a really rough pregnancy, and my mother CALLED MY DOCTOR! She actually called to ask some questions that she had told me to ask but didn't think I would ask. I couldn't believe it. Hello? Am I not a grown woman that is capable with interacting with my ob on my own? After that, I basically said that I appreciated the "support", but it was freaking me out. I let her know that I would have a million questions about pregnancy and babies, I was sure, but to let me come to her... Hopefully it won't get to the point when you snap like I did. I'd gently bring it up now. Hang in there, and good luck!!
sounds like Lois' mother. She won't stop putting her 2 cents in about everything. Our current problem is the naming of OUR child. I just hope your mother is one that can be talked to! Good luck!
Personally, I think New Zealand is a great idea ... the exchange rate (compared to the US Dollar) makes it nice and cheap to live here, the air is fresh and pollution free, there is a beach or a lake or a forest where ever you turn ... all-in-all a great place to bring up kids, hehehe!!!! ;-D
Seriously though, good luck with your mom...! :-)
Megan and Sacha, I just wanted to let you know that, while I am 26, a mother of 3 (soon to be 4) and have been a mom for pushing 10 years, my mother still doesn't get it that she's the grandma and I'M THE PARENT!!! They have the grandest of intentions, but that doesn't make things easier. It just makes them feel more hurt when you try to point the fact out (which you will do, over and over and over and over again). I love my mother to death and appreciate all she does for us (free daycare!) but in the end, I still come home at the end of the day and usually have at least a little "grandma" to undo.
What is it with parents? My mother is doing the exact same thing and just driving me insane. www.mymotherisnuts.com
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Wow, I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one with an insane mother! My mother has always had this need to be the authority on everything (whether she actually knows what she's talking about or not) so it has come to no surprise to me that my pregnancy is no exception. What's worse, she has all kinds of crazy old world ideas of how things MUST be done, despite what the rest of the scientific world has to say on the subject. It's going to be hard, but I know from dealing with her my whole life that the only way to handle the situation is to be firm and frank from the beginning that my husband and I are the parents and will do things our own way, then be prepared to undo things she has done while we weren't looking :) On the other hand, she really is going to be a very attentive and doting grandmother and I already have more hand-made blankets, clothes, booties, bibs for eating AND drooling, etc. than I can possibly use. Besides, I managed to grow up in one piece despite whatever quirky things she may have done to me as a baby. My advice is to be firm and clear when the moment arises and be consistent with her. She will eventually get the hint and enjoy her role as grandmother more when she clearly knows the boundaries. Kind of sounds like parenting, huh? LOL
I completely feel the same way, I dont know what to do sometimes. Its like talking to a broken record. Its like everything I have done in my life has never been good enough for her. Its my life its your life not theres right? Sometimes I am afraid to say things sometimes because I am afraid what she will say back. The things she says just hurts sometimes. It hits us hard because we are trying to live up to HER standards. I cant keep going on like this its making me mad and very depressed. I try to talk to her but that just makes matters worse it seems like. Ohhh I dunno what to do.
My mother has a serious amount of issues from her past and thinks that she is the best mother, compared to my grandmother, who was an alcholic. However, my mother, who basically consumed herself with grief and ignored me after my older sister died, wants a close relationship and won't leave me alone. When I don't respond to her the way that she feels I should, she explodes and accuses me of using her and states that I only come around a certain time of the years when I want something. I have no idea what she is talking about, I have been married for five years and only see her about once a week. My husband and I are considering starting a family and I know that she will have to have her way. She is already demanding that she be in the delivery room and will be over all of the time. Oh, and I constantly get the guilt trip all fo the time of "I'm not going to be around forever" Really?
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