Toughen up! Be a man!
I once suffered through watching my brother in law tell his five year old son to be a man and take his bath. While I'm not entirely sure what the term "be a man" means, I felt like strongly encouraging my nephew to take my BIL up on his offer. It would be the easiest way he'd ever find to "be a man" in our society. Maybe I'll take a bath tonight to I can "be a man" too! Maybe I'll get paid more.
My brother and my father are heading into similar territory with Finn.
Our little boy is having a really hard time with teething. My mother tonight informed M. that my brother and father think that Finn simply needs to "toughen up".
Oooookaaaaay...
Surely our baby just needs to toughen up. His gums hurt to the point that he sometimes screams until he gets relief, but that's just a symptom of his weak will. He is experiencing chronic pain for the first time which surely will be resolved by him grinning and bearing it, not Tylenol.
I'm sorry, but Finn has no obligation, nor ability, to do anything but be his sweet self and tell us that he needs help. He does not need to toughen up. He can be as pansy ass sissified sensitive as we wants to because he fucking HURTS. The only people who have any obligation in this situation are M. and myself and that is to hold him, love him, rock him, and do whatever we can to help him feel better.
End of story.
I have been willing to tolerate a certain amount of "guy talk" around Finn, such as "guys like sports so we should take him to a sporting event" kind of stuff. No prob because I guarantee that Finn is not going to inherit a love of baseball from his moms. But I will NOT tolerate sexist crap that teaches our son that it's not okay for men to feel and that it's not okay for men to have pain. That only shortchanges him as a human being and our job as his mothers is to help him grow into a fully functioning person.
No fucking "Culture of Men" crappola.
Welcome to raising the next generation of non-sexist pig men. It's not going to be easy but we are committed to helping Finn be the best person he can possibly be.
posted by Sacha @ 7:11 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
That is so nuts! Do they not get that he's a BABY? Jeepers...
Oh! Why not ask them if they would have dental surgery that lasts for days at a time without novocaine. lol Maybe then they'll get it.
Good luck!
Amen to that!
wow, i can't believe they would even say that!! at least he's being raised by you two and not them!!!
Amen Sistas! Stop the insanity. Seriously. You are amazingly tolerant/patient.
Off-subject . . . I would love to learn more about the 'safe' cleaners and soaps you use in your house. I am also curious to hear any of your feelings about cloth diapering now that you have been using them for a while.
(applause and a standing ovation)
YOU GO GIRLS!!!!
April
I AGREE!!!! Screw them. He's entitled to cry and hurt if he wants to... I'm glad your sticking to your guns. I would as well.
I'm sorry, but are these family members just trying to pick a fight? You two have been amazingly patient and creative with Finn, who is just behaving as babies do, and I can't believe your family is being this judgmental and annoying. I am sorry this is happening.
Hi,
I've been lurking for a while now(I have an April son also) and I just have to chime in on this issue. My Dad's wife is continually getting angry at my older son for being "wimpy" and "whiny". He's only two and a half. I don't think he needs to toughen up yet (or ever). He fell and cut his mouth and according to her was just whining and there was no need for crying or for me to cuddle him. I didn't just pack up and leave (we were visiting their house) and I feel like I've failed him by not telling her she was wrong. I don't understand the thought process that leads to the idea that making your child "toughen up" will make him a better man. I'll take teaching him to be caring and compassionate over tough anyday.
And since I'm commenting for the first time, I have to tell you that I love your writing.
Andrea
Overall I agree with you, but isn't it equally offensive to say that "tough" = "sexist pig men"?
My dad and brother are certainly "tough," as in they tolerate a lot of pain without complaining, can lift heavy things, are sports fans, etc., but they are in no way "sexist pig men." I just think it's simplistic to say that "toughness," per se, is either bad or good.
It could be that your dad is picking up on your manly=pig attitude and is worried about what it's going to mean for Finn if his mommies ingrain in him the notion that some essential qualities of what he is -- ie, male -- are repulsive or scary.
You know-- I'm really attached to the idea of a daughter, but reading this post makes me think maybe a boy would be a more rewarding experience. Is it a bad thing to make your child an experiment? To have a boy in order to raise for yourself the kind of man you wouldn't mind being friends with?
It IS sexist to treat men as if they aren't allowed to feel pain, or to cry, or to be sad. It's sexist because women are allowed to do it but men aren't. It IS sexist to treat men as if the only response they are allowed to have when in distress is to be "tough".
I have not once said that a manly is equal to "pig". And my father is NOT picking up on my bad attitude. I am not to blame for his inappropriateness.
And GOOD LORD, I think Finn is the most beautiful, wonderful little boy in the world and love him to the moon and back. I want him to feel in the depths of his heart that he is worth everything and more for the rest of his life. There is not one single thing about him I could ever find repulsive or scary.
BTW, toughness in itself is neither bad nor good, nor is it the domain of men. I am fucking tough. I went through 54 hours of labor to bring Finn into this world. I work a job that is both physically and emotionally challenging and would bring most people to their knees.
The End.
Uhmmm...he's a baby.
You should get him a shirt that says
"Hi, I'm a baby so even though I have a penis I need care and love and I even cry"
Babies should never toughen up.
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