The Other Mother
I've been thinking a lot about the non-birth mother.
Even within the lesbian community there are all kinds of relationships. I'm actually surprised how many couples have one person who doesn't want to birth and the other who does. In our case one of us has birthed with the plan for the other to in the future.
I think we've done a good job of establishing The Other Mother (I realize this term is annoying and I'm using a bit tongue in cheek). Both M. and I saw the potential for problems in this area long before Finn came along, so when he arrived we both made a huge effort to bring equality into our relationship. M. being Finn's mother is as important to me as my own motherhood. I realize that my breastfeeding creates an inherent inequity, but on all other levels we work hard to always parent together. We've been successful to the point that often people forget exactly who birthed Finn.
Then I see other couples falling into patterns where one works and the other stays at home. This pushes the working mother, who is typically also the non-birthing mother, into the role that is traditionally taken on by the father. Men are typically unempowered in the parenting relationship, relinquished to the role of provider while their female partner is the caregiver, and boys are prepared for this reality by being raised in a manner that does not assume children and parenting are in their future. I see this in my twin niece and nephew. My niece is all about the nine children she's going to have in the future. My nephew never mentions any desire to have children in the future.
In a female same-sex relationship the person in the provider role does not have this preparation for their role outside of the primary caregiving relationship, so they become the provider with all the same expectations of motherhood that the primary caregiver brings to being a parent.
Does the Other Mother get shortchanged? Does having both parents work make things more equal? Does it equalize as the child(ren) get older?
How do you Other Mothers out there feel?
posted by Sacha @ 5:10 AM
15 comments
15 Comments:
Since my wife Lauren ias home with the boy until October and I am at work I definitely feel like I am in a :fatherly" role. I try my best to make a concious effort to still get up with him, change him, feed him and be as involved as I can on the weekends. I feel like this helps equalize things a bit.
Once we are both working full time I think I will feel less guilty about not being home and more equal in he parenting. I also think it will be more difficult for my wife (bio-mom) to give me the extra time at night with him since she has also missed him so much.
Hmmm, I know what you're getting at and what you're trying to bring up, but I think you're overgeneralizing some. There are women out there who want to parent, but don't have expectations of being a mother. Women out there who want to have a different role. Lesbian Dad, for one. So their struggle, should they have one, would be for something other than the position of mother.
I think if there is any gypping going on it has more to do with the lack of quality time a parent working out of the home has with their child, and measuring that against the surfeit of quality time that a parent who stays at home with the child all day. It'll be natural in that case for the parent who's spending more time with the child to develop a bond that the other parent might view as being closer or better than their own.
I can say that in our case, that it did all start evening out once both of us worked, but that neither of us think that both of us working is ideal. We just spent months being jealous of the caregiver and thankful that she wasn't around at home for Julia to display a preference for.
It also begins evening out as the child gets older and is able to interact and form bonds with people other than the ones who hold them/feed them/comfort them the most often.
Trista - I am generalizing...it was 4:30 in the morning and I was trying to get to work AND blog. Argh.
I think I'm trying to get at how non-birth breeder lesbians balance out our cultural expectations that as women we get to be The Mother. It's about sexism and how women take the power in the household that they don't get in society. I know that some won't have those expectations, but I think that most of us do have them.
I think I'm lucky because although I'm the non-birth mother AND the parent who works (only while my partner is on mat leave, and then we'll both work), I work from home, so I get to see my son anytime I want to. It's a great situation because my partner can say, "Hey, I need fifteen minutes" and I can take him for a while. When I'm not working, our we definitely parent as an equal team. We take turns feeding, changing, getting up with him and getting him down for naps. So I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I don't feel like she's more bonded with him than I am, even though she breastfed.
I did have a bit of a struggle deciding what I wanted to be called. Kim wanted to be Mommy. She was open to letting me be Mommy, but I knew she really wanted to be Mommy, and since she was the one carrying the kid for nine months, I figured she deserved to be called whatever she wanted! But I wasn't sure what that left me. I settled on Mumma because it's how my mother pronounced her mother's name, and because we liked the idea that he can call us Mom and Mum when he's older. I wasn't completely comfortable with it at first, but now I love it. I love how it's just a little bit different, because I view my role as just a little bit different. Not much, but a little.
I'm so comfortable in my role in our family that sometimes I can't even believe it. I was so prepared for all the negative emotions I might have to deal with, but for the most part, I haven't experienced them. Maybe it's because I'm one of those other mothers that don't want to be pregnant or give birth, so I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I was comfortable in my role from the start.
great topic. our situation is fairly unique in that both my partner and I work from home, most of the time so we're both very hands on. our daughter sees both of us as her primary caregivers and since the breastfeeding ended 5 months ago, there truly are no differences between us which is kind of weird but mostly cool. i carried her but we are planning for my partner to carrry the next one so we hopefully will have both experienced both perspectives and hopefully we'll both still be in situations where we can work from home which would just seal the deal for us!
Curious post. I am an "other mother" and am also the one with the career and salary while the wife is currently staying at home. I also am not the stay at home type.
If we have another child, I will carry (if I can) but Lois will most likely continue to be the at home other while I go back to work.
Andrew is only 6 months old, but I already think there is a difference between how he view each of us. I am around only for a short while when he wakes up and only see him for an hour or two before he goes to bed.
I do think that the time limitations and my not breast feeding him might have altered our bonding compared to Lois' bonding with him.
I will always be the "father" type role as it is generalized. Less time, but my time with him is more of the fun and play time.
Because he's so young, I don't know how his bonds will be with each of us.
I've tried to reply to this post more then one time. More then one time I wrote paragraph after paragraph and I'm just finding I cannot at this point comment on this post.
Being a non-bio mom is a touchy subject with me right now. I don't know how to put words to it. So I won't for fear of saying something stupid.
I will say this that from what I've read on your blog all this time. I have no doubt in my mind that Finn would see you both as his mom equally. You are both doing a fantastic job.
Well, we are both non-bio moms...but yet i still feel there are way different roles and feelings than there are when hetero parents adopt. They still often seem to manage to fall into traditional gender roles (if they would have anyway).
Meanwhile, because i was the first to adopt Kate, i guess i was sort of placed in the role of "first mama" perhaps similarly to the bio mom. However, it doesn't matter that much now because Kate seems to love us equally, more or less, depending on the day (and depending on whom she is with more that particular day). We are both working parttime but i work more hours and therefore am left feeling gypped of the time i want with her. I really don't think either of us fits into a traditional father-like role. We really are both very maternal figures. That sort of surprises me because i've always viewed my wife as somewhat more "butch" and perhaps less interested or invested in parenting than i was. However, that's really changed since we met this little girl!
Anyway, i know that doesn't quite fit into your topic exactly...but i think it's another side to the queer parenting continuum. However, i can see how it would be different to other people--since neither of us gave birth, other people may be more inclined to treat us both as equal parents (most people don't have a clue that we didn't or couldn't adopt together unless we tell them!)
This experience has made me less inclined to even want to persue biological (or gestational) parenthood in the future because that will definitely create a difference between the 2 kids and may shift the equal parenting dynamic too much. Who knows...
All uncharted territory for us dykes.
What struck me in your post was the assumption that most of the time it's the non-bio mom who works outside the home. That's not the case for us, nor with many of our friends. We know several couples like us where the bio mom is the primary or only "breadwinner". The vast majority of families we know, though, have both moms working.
I think we have been able to establish ourselves as equals in our own and outsiders' minds from very close to the beginning. I can't speak for Cait, but I believe she did feel some jealousy about breastfeeding in the beginning but she was the main caretaker for Natalie in EVERY respect other than nursing for the first few weeks. Cait also was and is THE nighttime mom - I have no brain overnight.
Once I went back to work, I began to feel like the Other Mother -- or really, like the Father, in the traditional stereotype of fatherhood, and it was very difficult for me. I feel pressured by the tension between being the higher wage/benefits earner and wanting to spend time with my child , and I feel like she has a closer connection with Cait because they spend more time together. I also feel gypped (by life, not Cait) out of doing the kinds of things I envision moms doing - crafts, library time, playing in the park, etc. There's only so much that can be done evenings and weekends. I am totally active and involved when I am home, and I know I am fully her mother, so I don't feel disempowered or like I am ONLY the provider, but I do worry about the impact our separation has on our relationship. I am really glad that I do have the connection of nursing.
I have no great societal conclusions to draw from this, but just wanted to say that I think even in queer relationships a lot more than biology goes into the equation.
I am a nonbio mom and your post really resonated with me. I am trying to type while holding my little girl, Mariska, so I will try to respond as best as I can. I am the primary "breadwinner" in our family and our situation around who makes the most money has changed over the years. Right now, my partner, is finishing up her internship for school so is not formally empoyed at the moment. The issue of who was to be the birth mother was a struggle for the both of us because, quite frankly, we both wanted to do it! It was decided that for this baby she would go first because it made the most sense logistically. Being the mommy who did not give birth to our daughter was and continues to be a struggle for me (although I must say it has gotten easier). In the beginning of our pregnancy, I had a lot of anxiety about what, exactly my role would be. I knew I did not feel like the "dad," in the traditional sense, although being the mom who was not giving birth was also a role that I did not grow up thinking about when I envisioned motherhood. I had always pictured myself giving birth and being a mother in the traditional sense. So, fitting this schema into my conception of motherhood was a bit of a struggle. This coupled with being the mother who would not stay home was a challenge to wrap my brain around. It felt a little like having to redefine the way I pictured being a mommy and having the confidence that loving my baby would be enough to establish myself as a mom. And to my surprise and joy, it was! There are days, however, where I still long to have the experience of breastfeeding our daughter or being the mom that stays home with her. What I have learned is that this experience and role (of being a the mom who did not carry or birth in the traditional sense because ironically I do feel like I did these things because of the unique role afforded to me as a lesbian mommy) is one that I would not give up or have changed for the world! And I really mean that. I think very few individuals get the opportunity to do what I have done and to be a mother in this way and to feel this kind of love and connection for a child. I definitely feel like I am as much of a mother to Mariska as my partner, because I cannot imagine that I could feel any more mother love than I already feel, if that makes any sense. I am definitely looking forward to having the experience, however, of being the traditional "birth mom" the next time around and I can't wait for my partner to experience her role as the "other mommy" (I say this tongue in cheek, as well). Having both of these opportunities will make me feel twice blessed as a mother ;) Thanks for posting. Jules
If T had gotten pregnant, i would definitely have been the one in that bread-winning role. She would have been able to stay home for good because she's self employed and can pretty much tote a baby anywhere she needs to go.
i actually think that me having this baby will bring a lot more balance into our parenting situation, because i will have the time off in the beginning, but T will still be the primary caregiver during "business hours" since she will likely always be self-employed.
I don't know if I should be posting as I come from a non-lesbian standpoint, but I am the "biomom", yet my husband is at home during the day with the children. It wasn't so bad with our older kids - they know I'm mom and they know dad works at night while they sleep.
But with our new baby, it's been hard. She LOVES him. He gets all the best smiles and giggles. She turns her head to his voice. She fusses for him.
Me - I'm just the boob. I'm good for milk and that's about it. And she sleeps through the night so I don't even get that much time with her.
Even if we had the option of a stay at home parent, I love my job and I think I'd continue to work. I also am the primary breadwinner, so me not working pretty much isn't an option.
It's an interesting discussion.
Did any non-biomoms opt to try and breastfeed? We have adopted kiddos and I think if they had been babies at adoption I would have tried.
Angele I would love to hear your thoughts if you ever feel you can share. I sent Rose a link to here and I hope she'll add her experience! I think, like anything in life, that there are so many factors and co-factors that affect these things, and you can't generalize. Rose's being the non-bio mom, being genderqueer, not being the "stay at home" type, and not generally being "that into" babies (though I know she loves Edie!) all play different parts in how this is going for her. And honestly I think the "not so into babies" part plays the biggest role. This state (infancy) just isn't her forte and she has always been more into preschool age and up. Even at 4-months she enjoys Edie a lot more now that she has "advanced features" (her words, lol!) and can do things like ride on Rose's back in the Ergo, grab toys, play just a big more independently, etc. I have seen a lot of differences in the lesbian couples I have worked with as a doula and I think a lot of this has to do with a couple's dynamics too, obviously.
Let's see...I wanted to be pg, the plan was to have Dora get pg first, wait a few years, then have me do it. Well, Arden arrived and all my "needs" and desires to give birth went right out the window. she's what i was waiting for. I don't breastfeed, and that's about it. Most people would see me as the primary caregiver. We both work outside the home, but for the first 1.5 years I did drop off and pick up and most weekend care. Maybe I inserted myself into every role so that people WOULD forget who gave birth. But more likely it's because it's who I am. Her mom. Dora traveled for work a lot when she was first back at work and that left me as the sole person home...Arden comes to me for everything (but oh how she laments my "broken" boobs, LOL). Since day 1 I was up with her every night for every feeding...and even now if she has rough night I'll get up with her and it's she and I who hang out until she's willing to sleep again. I only just spent my first night away from her 3 weeks ago..and she's almost 2! In the end, I'm simply...Mom.
I'm not a mom, but I'm on the road. My partner will be carrying my eggs, so we'll both be bio moms. It's the closest we could come to making it together.
I look forward to confusing people who ask which one of us is the "mom," which will inevitably happen.
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