The Power of Language

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the power of language lately. Especially related to queer issues. My focus is on marriage because that's where our largest fight lies. I think a lot about the words we use to define our relationships, because that is represenative of our internalized struggle.

The earliest word, and perhaps most passe now, is lover. It was a word that grouped our relationships with the illicit trysts of married people, unmarried women of ill repute, rakish men who had no respect for the bonds of matrimony.

The next word, still widely used today, is partner. Part of me really likes this word. It represents the equality that has been stolen when people use husband and wife. For straight couples, husband and wife have an inherent inequality. Queers have the opportunity to banish this linguistic ineqaulity because two wive or two husbands bring equality to the party my nature.

Another part of me hates the term partner. Partner is not widely recognized and is easily confused with business terminology. I remember the first time I saw Philadelphia. When Tom Hanks' character, Andrew Beckett, was sick in the hospital and Antonio Banderas, introducing himself as Beckett's partner, rushed to the waiting room to see him, I could not figure out why this man's business partner was so concerned about him. That was thirteen years ago and the world has certainly changed in many ways, but I still feel there is confusion around the world partner. By not using language that clearly defines our relationships we further devalue them.

The next word, actually words, are husband and wife. These are my words. M. is my wife, not my partner, not my girlfriend, my WIFE. We have a certificate that says we are married and the world "wife" best describes our relationship. But it has taken time to take ownership over these words that have traditionally belonged to the straight world. I've had to struggle with feeling worthy of the language of marriage.

With the advent of legal marriage in Canada and Mass, and in a few weeks I truly believe WA state will be joining that small but mighty club, I think the use of the term partner should begin the long road to banishment from our language. If you are married, use husband and wife. If you aren't married, used boyfriend or girlfriend. Partner just continues the linguistic limbo that queers find themselves in and reflects the internalized homophobia that all of us struggle with every day of our lives.

That said, I think it's most important to reflect the language you are presented with. I'm not going to call my neighbor's partner his "boyfriend" simply because of my convictions since he introduced him as his "partner". I'd like it if the people around me would refer to M. as my wife and stop changing my word to "partner" or "significant other".

The world will change. Our children will grow up having all options available to them.