Seeking Donor Perfection
Charlotte and S. are going through negotiations with their PKD and asked whether or not other people's KDs feel perfect. Since I've already blabbed enough on her blog, I'm going to answer here.I'm not convinced there is a perfect donor out there. After all, you're dealing with another human being and he has emotions and opinions just like the rest of us. And emotions and opinions just fuck everything up.
Dick the Donor is perfect in many ways. He's cute. He's a moral, good person (good lord, the boy barely ever uses profanity). He's gay. He's committed to this project and to our future family. He does what we want with very few questions (gotta love that). He's been a good friend to us, perhaps one of the best friends we've ever had. He challenges me with his caring and generousity. If I need help, he's there. All of this will make him a fabulous person to have in our child's life as well as our own.
He also scares the shit out of me. Our child may be the only child he ever has. And he'll have no claim to the child, no right to give his input. And I know...I mean KNOW deep in my heart... that no matter how many contracts and conversations and clarifications we have with him, there's a part of him that will always think of this child (and child #2) as HIS child. And I KNOW that he's going to be hurt and there's nothing I can do about that. Except be his friend and hope we can all love each other enough to get through it.
So it's not perfect. It's crazy and scary. Sometimes it makes that frozen vial of sperm look mighty fine. Sometimes it makes the entire world sparkle with the wonder of it all.
I think the better word for using a KD, and specifically DtD, is RIGHT: it's not perfect but it feels like the right thing to do. And sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and know in your gut that everything's going to turn out okay.
posted by Sacha @ 2:47 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
BTW, you could never blab too much on my blog!! I always appreciate your comments.
Your experience is tremendously helpful for us, as is your ability to distil the essence of the issues.
I often think about hurting my PKD's feelings, and not until reading this blog entry did I realize that I can't do anything about that, except be clear about my expectations up front. It is interesting to me that you are proceeding anyway, despite knowing that he is more attached than is ideal for you. I always think everything must be perfectly clear and aligned.
Your gut seems to be fairly confident that you are doing the right thing, as you said. I hope I can get there soon, whether it is frozen or PKD.
Yes, RIGHT. That is an excellent word. It's the right thing to do. We worried about using a KD who is black, we worried that he would be more attached to the child than he thought he would be, we worried that this situation would hurt him in the end. But in the end, using him was the right thing to do. Even if things turn out differently than planned, I'll still think it was the right thing to do.
And even though he is more attached than he thought he'd be, he is still honoring his agreements. And the first thing he said to me when he came over for dinner last thursday was "so, ready for round two?"
Ohhh.... I just posted something similar on my blog regarding using a known donor but more from the other side now that Arden is here....
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