(Not a Mother)'s Day

Wow, I really didn't anticipate it in advance, but this Mother's Day has been really hard for me to get through, which of course makes me question my emotional stablity. Reality check: we've only had five failed cycles. That's nothing, right? Why can't I just focus on my own mom and my MIL instead of the fact that I'm not a mom yet or on my way to motherhood?

I've been home alone most of the day as Sacha's been at work. When I called my mom she gave me a major guilt trip for not coming down and spending the day with her, which made me feel like crap. I feel like a bad daughter now. Also, we talked about my sister, who doesn't support us in our journey to motherhood, and dredging those thoughts up hurt too.

But the truth is (besides the fact that I had a lot I HAD to get done today) that I just couldn't imagine spending the whole day with her and having to hide my sadness. I couldn't imagine going out to brunch with her and the hundreds of other mother's and having the flowers and corsages waved in my face. How pathetic is that? My mom knows we're ttc, but since I told her we were starting, we haven't talked about it. So, she has no idea of the pain we're going through. I don't know why it's hard for me to share that part with her, but it is. I guess I feel like she would just tell me something like "it will happen on God's time", etc., which I just can't hear right now. Of course she would be right, but I'm tired of people telling me to relax and that it will just happen when we least expect it. I mean, when would that be? When we forgot to put any sperm in? I expect it to happen each cycle, like a dummy.

Only, now I'm getting smart and starting to expect it not to happen, which just makes me sad. Although the "sin of hope" as Sacha calls it, is indeed horrible each time it's smashed, it's absense is even worse I think.

We have an appointment with a new OB/GYN on Tuesday and I sure hope that she'll be a good support and offer some good advice. I can't deal with another loser Dr. I'm still reeling from the last one. We're also awaiting CD3 test results and hoping that everything looks good there. So, hopefully this week will improve with time.

Anyone else having a tough time today or is it just me?