DtD's Reaction, Part II
Ever since we got pregnant, DtD has become very focused on his own desire to have children.Is this a bad thing?
In a lot of ways I don't think so. It's a long process to go from I want children to I'm ready to have children. I see what he's doing as starting this process.
At the same time, it's a little scary.
What if his sights turn on us? We have that baby that he's always wanted. Using him as our donor requires a lot of trust that DtD will follow through on his agreement and not threaten M. as parent. His biggest negative as our donor has always been that he wants a family himself.
I think all this kid talk is about him coping with the reality of what we're all doing.
As wonderful as it is, it's also hurtful. I hate that by getting what we've worked so hard for we're ending up hurting our friend. At the same time, it's unavoidable.
What do we do?
Firstly, we support him. He's going through the same process all queers go through when we start thinking in the family way. It's a hard process that involves examining and confronting our own self worth, the way our families view us, and the way society views us. We're there for him.
Secondly, we keep him connected. Reacting to our fears and pushing him away would be a huge mistake. We care very much about him and there's no reason he shouldn't stay involved with our family.
posted by Sacha @ 5:10 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
What a great reaction. His wanting children, and the fact that it has now intensified, could be very scary and a lot of people would want to take away the opportunity for him to "interfere" in your family. But DtD has a role to play in your lives and he is a good friend and as long as you're all clear on what that role is, the experience will be all the ficher. Good for you for supporting him.
I think you're very wise they way you're handling this.
Because not only is he your donor, but he's your friend, as well.
Do you think he would want one of you to be a surrogate? Is he thinking at all about adoption?
Of course, he could also change his mind once the baby comes and he sees how much work it is... probably not, though.
I O think you are doing the right thing, what Trista said.
Have you thought about helping him research and think about his adoption options? Cause we all know you are good at that junk. Why are they waiting??
I continue to be impressed by the tenderness & care that goes into your relationship with your KD. I know he is also your friend- but you are so fabulously empathetic. Damn you are going to be a great Mom!
Wow, that is tough. We don't have the BFP yet but are also going through a slight faith-shaking on the KD front. We're suddenly worried that he might have the wrong idea about his role. Of course, it doesn't help that everybody one talks to about this stuff has a known-donor-gone-bad story to share.
I think you're handling it exactly right.
Hmm, tricky, and also scary.
Like the others have said, I think that you are handling it in the very best way possible, as pushing him away because of the potential he has for wanting to "take over" in any way, would probably actually be more likely to make him act this way. By keeping him involved in his existing role (and helping him to focus on just how he can go about creating his own family), it should be a lot easier to keep everyone on the right parenting track - or at least to keep tabs on things. I'm sure that it won't all be simple though.
I suppose that the fact that you are now pregnant, carrying a child that he has helped to create, must make it all seem more real and immediate for him. Hard for you two though, when you must want to focus on all that it means for your own family.
I meant to add, it must be really hard for gay men who want to have families - at least we lesbians are physically capable of having children, even if the getting pregnant bit is often complicated.
It's even harder here in the UK, as surrogacy is not an option for many. It's illegal to pay a surrogate here (as it is to pay sperm/egg donors anything other than expenses), so I would imagine that it would be very hard for a gay couple to find a willing, altruistic surrogate in this country.
Adoption is also more complicated here. LGBT adoption is possible of course, but we have a very different system to the US. For one thing, a lot less babies are available (I guess the fact that we are a less religious society means more abortions), so generally only older children (and often sibling groups) are available. Which in turn means that these children have probably suffered some form of abuse at the hands of their parents/relatives, even if it's "only" neglect. And LGBT adopters unofficially come way down the list in terms of getting the least damaged children; it's pretty much a given that you need to be prepared for either fairly severely abused children, or ones with some form of disability (whether learning, mental or physical).
Sorry if I've gone off on a tangent!
The number of consecutive comments from me is getting a bit embarrassing now, but I just wanted to check that it was OK with you that I've linked to you on my blog?
Trista - M. and I have talked about surrogacy for DtD. Not from the perspective that we owe him but just discussing our willingness as his friends. I would be willing to do it, but not for a few years, which would make me 38 and not a very good candidate. M. has more doubts and it would truly have to be a joint decision. It makes me sad that we aren't in a good position to be able to offer that possibility if the circumstances were right.
He has never asked us or mentioned it.
His BF seems keen on adoption but the only route DtD has ever mentioned is surrogacy.
Tamsin - I really liked reading your comments about adoption. It helps expand my world view. And yes, you may link to babycakes.
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