Support Group Hell
Now that I've posted my diatribe on the state of activism in the queer community, back to baby stuff.
We go to our first support group meeting tonight. No, not a support group for mom's to be, or queer parents. The support group we decided to start for lesbians TTC 6+ months. Considering that we are now...ahem...pregnant...ahem....this could pose a problem.
The problem is that we invited very nice neighbors from around the corner, J&L, who have been TTC longer than us. Now we are faced with telling almost strangers something that we both know will hurt them, no matter what kind of brave face they put on.
M. thinks we cannot lead this group. This makes me sad. Am I really no longer welcome in the club I tried to create? I tell you this quite honestly, my pre-preggo self would have hated my post-preggo self. I would have sneered at me and said nasty things under my breath. Because there is no happiness in Taking Some Time. There is only bitterness that you have to find a way to navigate through it and a way to prevent it from dragging you down.
So J&L will hate us. It's inevitable. We may lose friends before we even gained them. This hurts.
How am I dealing with it? I'm making cookies and putting some extra love in them. Because I'm a feeder in the end. I can make it all better with a magical concoction of butter and sugar. I promise.
posted by Sacha @ 11:13 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I don't know about hating you. That seems extreme. They might be sad and bitter but not at you, just at fate. I think if you switched roles, you'd find you would be their friends if they conceived before you two did. Hopefully they can start a friendship with you anyway. Of course it would be nice if they got their BFP soon too so they could feel totally comfortable around you two and the future baby.
Good luck with the group and finding a new leader for it, if you feel that's necessary. I don't think you should have to if you're just moderating it and facilitating it. You have been there and understand what they're feeling.
You are really allowed to grieve leaving the TTC world. It has been such a big part of your life for a long time. I know that infertile folks, when they finally conceive, feel guilty and left out and afraid of leaving such an important part of themselves behind. It is actually something to grieve, even though that sounds crazy.
And I think that you feel strongly about being a support to those that are having trouble TTC, and I think you have many many years to continue that support in some way. This issue is so close to your heart.
While you are pregnant it may be harder for some people (especially in person) to recieve your lovin' but that won't last forever.
You have been a tremendous support and inspiration to us and I love you and will take all the support I can get!
DeLurking to comment:
I don't see why those who are still TTC should hate the ones who finally get pregnant. I mean the point of TTC is to get pregnant....right? I'm so confused. It seems to me that those who have struggled to concive and finally reached that goal are very suited to leading a support group...who better to be a cheerleader then someone who has been through the pain and come out the other side? There is a place for those who are struggling to be both happy for the joy of success while still feeling the pain of trying again.
I've been your lurking cheerleader for several months, and I'm super happy that you got pregnant. Welcome to hormone poisoning!
Fertility guilt is a genuine feeling.
We took three goes to get pregnant twice, and I felt terrible telling my TTC friends both times, to the extent that on the second go we just told one friend and let her tell everyone else. But then SHE started feeling fertility guilt.
Not that the others said anything bad or sad or anything, it's just a feeling. And it's understandable. But we have lost friends because of their feelings about us getting pregnant, which sucks. What can I say? I'm sorry.
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