The F*cking Baby Blues
We're off the junk...Finn's First Cloth DiaperNo one talks about the freight train that hits you after you have a baby. One day you were a blissful pregnant person. Maybe you didn't even know how blissful you were. Then suddenly life is upside down, you're extremely sleep deprived and can't tell what is up and what is down.
That was me last night. Our post partum doula arrived and the plan was for M. and I to get four hours of sleep and she would bring Finn to me just to nurse. Great plan. Except...every time I started to fall asleep I would suddenly feel like I was back on the operating table and I couldn't breathe.
Our traumatic birth isn't helping me cope.
I spent three hours lying there, not sleeping, until I got up and started trying to figure out how to get some help. I ended up sobbing to our clinic's on-call nurse and doctor until I started to feel a little more sane. I had to wake M. up and have her sit with me and tell me I was safe until I fell asleep.
Baby blues is way too cute of a term for this hell I've been dropped into.
In the meantime, Finn has decided to go from GLORIOUS latch to not so great and he didn't get his feedings in today. That means I get to spend the night catching him up and nursing every 2 hours. And Finn is being Fussy Finn. We may get some rest tomorrow. I'm not doing very well with the sleep when the baby sleeps concept.
posted by Sacha @ 9:44 PM
15 comments
15 Comments:
It is very hard in the first days. I remember crying the next day because I couldn't get Riley to latch and we think we fed her too much formula so she was very gassy and fussy. I felt like a failure. But things start becoming more routine. You will have those really rough days/nights of exhaustion but I'm sure Finn will get familiar to you and will get familiar with his surroundings. Just stay strong and know that things will be better. Glad you have so much support!
Hello, it is me again, Ursula, the nurse from Vienna,Austria. I am sorry, you had such a crappy night. I am positive the falling asleep flash backs will fade away and the breasts will go back to normal so Finn will start feeding lustily again and at the same time skipping a few of the numerous night feedings. It is just a matter of a few more days. Hang in there, Sacha, you are doing So great!!
Happy Easter from the other end of the world!
Ursula
PS:Do you think Finn had them, too, those flash backs of being born, during the first two or three days of life, waking up all of a sudden crying and only responding to Mamas voice?
OMG! Look at those toes!!!
I think for me and Kristin the first two weeks were overly hard. Kristin was struggling to breast feed and she was recovering from her traumatic birth experience. Julia would wake every hour to feed and then would feed and feed and feed... of course Kristin's milk never came in (So glad yours did!) and Julia was starving and we were so tired that our normal problem-solving skills were just GONE. And we didn't have a post-partum doula.
But look at you! You called someone. You figured out at least something to help you. You are not helpless in the face of this. You are still a coyote-ess!
The bliss will come back.
The first 2-3 weeks are very hard, everyone trying to get their bearings. You'll hear this a lot and it's not helpful at the time, but you'll find yourself saying it to other new moms soon: it does get easier.
My partner had the baby blues too. She sobbed every time she came into contact with her mother, on the phone or in person, for about two weeks. Baby blues are intense. And I'm sure the fact that you had a traumatic birth experience makes it even harder. Hang in there and keep telling your partner how you're feeling.
I had a c-section as well and I was down for about two weeks. All I could do was cry, sweat, and cry some more! It got better as each day went by and I wasn't so sore. I found it good to take a shower when my daughter was sleeping, put clean pjs back on and get back into bed with her and camp out. I didn't sleep well either at first (I kept waking up thinking a nurse was going to take my blood pressure!) but your body will give in eventually. I cried a little everyday for about a week. I hope today is better for you! (lurker from FF)
I am so sorry you are going through the blues. It is probably pretty normal though given your recent experiences and extreme sleep deprivation. I hope it gets better very soon!
I had so much anxiety when my daughter was born that I ended up taking xanax. What you are going through is NORMAL, and you are right, no one talks about it. It is so HARD to be a parent. You will get used to feeling sleep deprived. It will get so much easier. Just rely on M and family and friends and talk about how you are feeling.
hang in there baby. know you have the support of all us gals who've been thru the same experience.
at the risk of sounding uber cliche...yes. it does get better.
hugs.
You're falling off a hormal cliff right now (not to mention physically battered), and the decent is not pretty. It's ok to cry all you need to, and you're right, the term, "baby blues" is a crock of shit that trivializes intense emotions. Things WILL even out, you WILL sleep again, he WILL nurse normally, and you WILL feel bliss again. I promise, promise, promise. Millions of women have done it fot eons, and you can to...that's what I'd tell myself in the middle of the night like a mantra over and over. I'll be joining you in the trenches sometime in the next week and a half...too bad there isn't some sort of middle of the night "nursing/rocking/pacing the floor mamas" communication system, because being up alone at 3:47 a.m. can be pretty lonley. Maybe some sort of strobe light that blinks on the top of a house when you're up and could use a little chat... Anyway, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Give yourself 6 weeks before you come to any conclusions about your feelings towards parenthood, your child's temperment, breastfeeding...it all really will work its self out.
P.S. Baby's crying is susposed to peak at around week 6 and then gradually get better.
Oh I'm sorry you're having a rough time! Hang in there! It all sounds so familiar and completely normal. Keep reaching out for support, get as much rest as you can (even if it's not as much as you need), eat well, and just enjoy that wee darling! It will all even out -- promise!
And cloth diapers rock :-)
I don't think I can add anything that others haven't already said. I cried no less than 8 times a day at first, then it was 6, then it was only when someone asked me a question about the birth (that'll teach 'em) or when I was in the shower. I still remember the day that I got out of the shower and realized that I hadn't spent the whole time crying. It was a long, hard time until then. You just don't understand how something that makes you so happy can make you so sad at the same time. I told Megan (mine, obviously) that it was her job to make sure that I didn't go too far into depression and that she was supposed to tell me if she thought I needed real help from the outside. It never happened, but it was nice to know that she was "on the job." I could cry in peace and know that I wasn't crossing a line. Big hugs to you. It WILL get better.
i remember all of the "it will get better" advice, and while i was happy to hear that, it didn't really help with the right.now, and in fact, perhaps made me feel more sad for how sleep deprived and useless i felt.
so although i 13th the "this will pass" mantra, i just want to acknowledge that the babymoon isn't always dreamy.
and the traumatic birth is a huge part of what you and M. are dealing with (i think). i'm so sorry for the flashbacks. reliving quinn's birth and worrying about how she was effected by it caused a lot of anxiety and sadness in our house. time has truly helped with that, along with avoiding all baby birthing shows (and sometimes, i just can't read birth stories on blogs/message boards, esp. if i've heard about how 'perfect' everything went. it's shallow...but it's one of my coping mechanisms now).
for the right now, just do your best (both of you). some days will be bad, but those times will help you learn more about Finn and what he needs.
<3 <3 <3 <3
I had completely forgotten the flash backs. I had luckily had 2 vaginal deliveries but after each I had flashbacks to the pain and agony I went through. First labour was a back one and took 44 hours to get her out! I would be watching TV or trying to sleep and BAM I'd be back on the table, having the episiotomy. Not fun. But honestly, when things settle down a bit, they fade away. And look at the beautiful man you have to show for it!
I'm sorry you are having a crappy time-I hope things pick up again soon. He's just gorgeous! There's not a lot I can do via email, but I'm a lactation consultant, so feel free to contact me with questions.('my blog name'@optusnet.com.au)
THIS is the time to indulge in ALL of the things you couldn't indulge in while pregnant. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are blogging about it, reaching out, that is SO good.
KNOW that you are NOT ALONE. This happens to SO many women - and not just women who birth - we had an AWFUL time at first with Malka.
it does get better with each passing day, week, month - it's just SO hard to see that now.
Keep reaching out, and again, KNOW you are not alone -
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