Biology Schmiology
Thanks to Stacey for inspiring this post!
My family's need to attribute biology to Finn drives me crazy. My mother is especially bad. They like to take Finn's features and attribute them to various family members. So far he has my dad's eyelashes and he looks like my great grandfather. Blah. Whatever.
It's almost like they think Finn came into being through immaculate conception.
Every time they do this I want to remind them that there is another half of Finn out there. M. and I can see DtD in Finn, and I suspect that's where the eyelashes came from, not from my father. I keep my trap shut because the last thing I want is to end up with my family perseverating on our donor and further shutting M. out.
Then my mother asked me last night when we were going to tell them who the donor is. I had told her a long time ago that we would be keeping his identity to ourselves until after the adoption per our contract. Well, it's after the adoption and M. and I don't feel any strong need to tell our families who DtD is. We ourselves are working through how our family will take shape with DtD included. Our extended family will just have to wait.
My mother was not happy.
Because biology is important to her. And that's exactly why I am very hesitant to ever reveal DtD's identity to her. This is a situation where our families will have to think outside the box of biology when it comes to defining relationships and family.
posted by Sacha @ 4:30 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
This is the exact reason why we chose to use anonymous donor sperm. We knew that neither one of our families would be able move past the identity of the donor as dad.
I hope your family is able to come to some of understanding that biology does not make a family.
Personally...I'm adopted so I know all about biologysmology!! It doesn't take DNA to make a baby yours. It takes love, and dedication.
And my inlaws are always saying my kids have so and so's nose and eyes and eyelashes...and when at my first daughters baby shower they kept saying she looked like everyone else(truth is she is the spitting image on my husband and mother in law) but when I pointed out that she hand my crooked pinky...my MIL literally went around from family member to family member until she found my husbands aunt who had a crooked pinky too. Then she dragged her over to my to show me. Pathetic eh?? And my 2nd daughter is MY spitting image(neat since I'm adopted and have no family that looks like me)except they keep telling me that she has so and so's lashes. Nevermond that my eye lashes are so thick and long that they bang against my glasses(with our without my mascara)...nope...they all come from a relative. And my son...he's the spitting image on my mini me as a young baby...so he'll look like me too...and at a wedding a couple weeks ago they went on about his lashes as well. Crazy...ya just can't win.
And I was going to say...I checked back int he other day and saw your adoption pictures...first...congrats...but also...it the pictures me looks genetically just like M. So much that I would have thought he was bio hers. Then I see similarities when I see you and him too...so really...its all in everyones perception. But...he could defenitely pass for M's bio son...without a doubt!! Just because my husband and I are the bio mom and dad...doesn't mean we look like each of our children. But people still see what they want to see...
And as for telling abotu the donor...why should you. Then your mom will keep mentioning finns father. And if I understand you correctly Finn doesn't have a father. He has 2 mothers...so why shoud the donor matter to others...it should only matter to you guys. Worse case scenario in case something should happen to you and M...write it down legally somewhere so that in the future Finn can find out who he is for genetic reasons. You mother sounds similar to my mother and my mother in law...like she has the right to insinuate herself into every part of your life just because she gave birth to you. You're an adult now...so your mom should learn to mind her own business. My husband and I have had to draw lines with our parents...just because they are both too clingy...my inlaws couldn't understand why I didn't want them all in the delivery room when I had my kids...some people just don't get it.
Wow...this was long. Sorry but I get so riled up by people butting in to other people's lives!!
Oh, I so know what you're talking about. Kim's family does the same thing. Every single thing about Erik must have come from Kim's family in some way. Her dad even thought he got the red hair from some distant cousin - even though our donor has red hair! It was so frustrating.
We've never shown photos or our donor's profile to our families either. We think it's up to Erik if he wants to share that information later on. We got the information for him, not for anyone else.
As the bio-mom to a kid who looks exactly like I did it's so hard to deal with. We used anon. but my SIL works at the bank and has access if she chooses to so who knows, maybe they know our donor...
My mom obsesses over how H looks. Beth, fortunately, finds it amusing to see that she's mini-me. But I hate it. There's so much more to a child than biology.
You are dealing with way more crap than you should be around this!!!
We used an unknown donor and made the mistake of sharing the fact that he's willing to be know (if the kids themselves initiate) when they're 18. Now my mom's mentioned a few times how she can't wait to meet him and it infuriates me. What's the fascination with the unknown? Just be thrilled with your adorable grandkid(s) and shut up. We don't talk that much about the process anymore now that the kids are older (2 and 4) with anyone but close friends thinking of heading down the same path. It just doesn't feel like our story anymore. It now belongs to our kids and it's up to them to share (or not).
good for you! god families can be annoying.
Oh Sacha, your family woes strike such fear in mine and Helen's hearts! I have no doubt that our parents will behave as badly and worse in their own unique ways, so I appreciate you out there battling through it before us.
I think I will just bald-faced lie about it to the more idiotic family members, as in:
"What do you mean who is the father? Haven't you ever heard of parthenogenesis?"
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