Hey Jealousy
Things with my mother are starting to actually improve in the tiniest increments. She's still pushing constantly at whatever boundary I put up, but she's also managing to respect them now and them, which takes some of the pressure off me.
It's amazing how having a child can change your relationships.
What I am still coping with, though, is the rampant jealousy my mother has when it comes to Finn.
Finner has a second cousin about four months younger than him. Cousin Bob and his mom currently live with my aunt. My mother is constantly comparing how much time my aunt gets to see Cousin Bob with how much time she gets to see Finn. She is resentful that Cousin Bob travels internationally while M. and I won't even take Finn down to see my parents which is 1.5 hours away. It makes me ever so slight INSANE.
Cousin Bob is not Finn and Finn is not Cousin Bob. They are different babies. They have different needs.
M. and I have worked our asses off to protect our child and give him what he needs. This has been at the sacrifice of ourselves as well as pretty much everyone around us. It means no long trips, being home in time for Finn's bed time, leaving places when he's not coping well and pretty much not doing what we want in order to take care of our son.
My mother doesn't see this. All she sees is that we won't let her have her way.
I understand that she wants to see her grandson. I don't know why she treats us like we're withholding access instead of seeing that we're trying to be the best parents we possibly can be. It's frustrating and tiring and makes me mad that she consistently places her needs above her grandson's.
But things ARE getting better and it gives me hope that maybe she'll be able to put all this crazy jealousy behind her at some point.
posted by Sacha @ 5:28 AM
8 comments
8 Comments:
I have to wonder what lessons you are teaching your son. If you give in to his every demand, show him that his wants and needs are all that matter etc you are not teaching him how to live in our society. Yes he is young and you SHOULD cater to him to an extent, and work around his schedule as much as possible, and respect him as the person that he is. But you aren't doing him any favours if he learns that the world only revolves around Finn. And what Finn wants is what Finn gets. He needs to learn boundaries and compromise and sharing. And that DOES start at an early age. You are going to create a spoiled brat without the foundation to be a functioning human being.
I think your intent is to make your child feel respected and nurtured and safe and to always know him parents are there for him. All positive goals, and ones we as parents all should strive towards. But if you don't taech Finn the fundamentals of life, even starting at an early age then he won't have a good base foundation. He needs to learn that his parents are there for him but that he has boundaries. He has rules and sometimes he has to do things he doesn't want to do. Sometimes being liberal in your childrearing can be just as harmful as being too conservative. You'll end up being walked all over. And you might not mind that, but think of his future in school and jobs and marriage if he's never learned to compromise and learned restraint...
I won't bother to comment on the previous poster's remarks...that was not my intent in writing you.
Both of you, as Finn's parents, do what's best for him - PERIOD. If a grandmother or other relative doesn't like it, TOO BAD. My husband and I are going through a situation where my own mother has threatened us with LEGAL action because she feels we're withholding access (complete and total lies). As parents, we have the final say, and that HAS to be respected. Good for you both in staying firm and keeping those boundaries. Boundaries aren't inherently bad, they are healthy.
Ok, I changed my mind and now I have to respond to the previous (rather mean spirited) post...I don't think Finn will be a "spoiled brat without the foundation to be a functioning human being." If anything, he will likely be more tolerant and understanding of others' needs, because of his parents. You have rules and boundaries for him, as you have discussed before, that are reasonable for his age and his personality. If anything, I think your approach -- of being tolerant and understand - is sorely needed in this world.
(cenpamom - formerly of fertilityfriend.com)
I think that keeping his bedtime at a constant or not forcing him to stay somewhere when he's melting down is pretty solid parenting, not spoiling...
Are you open to your mother coming to you? That was my first thought - that if she wants to see Finn SHE could be the one to drive the 3 hours roundtrip.
My mother did a total turnaround when my daughter was born and when I read posts like this one I remember to be so very grateful for that. I'm sorry that yours hasn't come around yet.
I struggle with what you're talking about here, too. We have 2 sets of grandparents who are variously involved in our daughter's life. Part of me thinks that the grandparently yearning for access is not just in their best interests, but in the best interests of our daughter, too. Having never had access to grandparents, I had never realized what a beautiful, powerful thing that relationship can be for a child. So one weekend a month, give or take, we make a 4 hour round trip to stay overnight. Bedtime is observed, and other than that, her grands take her everywhere and spoil her rotten, and we get some time lounging and napping, because she's fully occupied with them. The other grands are much more work, but still her relationship with them is such an important one to her. She recognizes them as part of her family, and even though it's such a draining visit, we also try to do that one once a month. I figure the reality of families is that the relationships are various, and variously difficult, but that makes them no less precious or important.
But it's easy for me to say that, given that regardless of difficulties, our parents are 100% supportive of our family. You might not have that luxury.
I guess my main question is, what are you afraid of by taking him down to see his grandmother? Obviously we don't know everyting about your relationship with your mom, but I don't understand the reluctance to go and let your son see his grandparents. Are you afraid of getting off of schedule? Because you cannot keep a schedule 100% of the time. Heck, we drove down to Nevada with our 1 year old in the car. That took 2 days. Minimal stops, and boy did we ever get off of our schedule. But you know what? It was worth it. THe time my daughter got to spend with her grandma was priceless.
Yes, the road goes both ways, and it's always easier for them to come and see us, but there's also nothing wrong with giving in, and going to see them. It's not going to hurt your son in the least, and so what, he's off your schedule for a few days. There's nothing you can do at home that you can't do down there.
I guess I just don't understand the hesitation to travel.
Just a quick comment to make. Having just had my second baby i just wonder how easy it will be for you to be as totally focussed on Finn as you are now when hopefully you have another one to think about too! From my experience you cannot continue to be 100% focussed on number one and neither can you give that same focus to number 2!! I think your parenting style is completely up to you and this isn't meant to be a negative comment on what you have done with Finn but more as just a thought for you maybe to be aware of.
I also think you may find you need your mum more when you have two - definately twice the fun and enjoyment but also twice as hard and tiring too!! Maybe you could try a trip and just see how it goes....
Happy Saturday!
Nic
Yoo Hoo ladies??? Just checkin in on ya!! Hope all is well!!
I am a long time reader of your blog - way before Finn was around - and I have to agree partially with PP. I know how much you want to do the right things for Finn, but I think you're missing an opportunity for Finn to have access to his grandparent as well as to teach him some adaptability. Our son stayed home with my husband his first two years, on a rigid schedule, and it has been a nightmare for us to introduce one little difference in his steady, calm life. I regret sheltering him so much now. Please just consider what's being said. You are wonderful parents.
Post a Comment
<< Home