Q&A Part I

I'm taking a break from analyzing every little quirk in my body. Just to report, I have been consistently gassy, a little crampy, peeing a lot (I don't pee a lot) and very tired. Now this could mean absolutely nothing.

To occupy myself, I'm going to do a Q&A session, starting by answering some of the questions posed in the previous post. Please post any other questions you may have. They can be about Project Baby, our history, my favorite cheese, our cats' names, the weather in Seattle or anything else you'd like to know. Really, entertain me!

How is DtD's family going to be involved in our child's life?

At this point they're not going to be involved, except for BF.

When we first asked DtD he said he'd have to talk to his mother before responding. Five days later,when he said "yes" he told us he'd decided to tell her after "it's a done deal" and expressed an interest in her meeting the child eventually. Now he's saying he probably won't tell his family. We think that's the best for both future child and minimizing the pain his family might feel over knowing there's a little person out there that's genetically linked to the family but will never be part of it.

What are some ways to structure a conversation with a potential known donor?

The way I went about asking DtD should never be held up as a good example. I got the question out but it was a difficult and painful process. I did it over the phone (bad) at the end of the conversation and explained prior to asking exactly how neurotic I can be. And he still said yes. Amazing.

The ask was basically this: We've been planning to have children for a long time and M. and I have thought about all the different ways we can do this. We've decided we'd like to use a known donor and were wondering if you'd be willing to help us out.

And we had a casual offer of his sperm prior to the actual ask.

For the next part of the conversation M. and I sat down over brekkie and wrote down all possible issues and concerns, how we would want to structure things, and what types of hoops our dear boy would need to jump through. We made sure WE were on the same page before talking in depth about what we were asking. Then we BOTH met with him.

I think it's also important to have clarity about what you're doing and how you want him involved. We've worked hard to do that and despite our best efforts, DtD still has a version of reality in his head that he won't let go of that doesn't always mesh with ours. It's been a lesson to let him have that and know that he's signed a contract and is capable of keeping his word. And his version of reality has affected ours as we come around to realizing that we haven't just found nice warm sperm, that we're not just dealing with a body part. As Trista told me, all four of us are creating a family. I always saw DtD's role being primarily with the child but I'm starting to see that he's going to have a role with us as well.