Seeking Donor Perfection Part II: The Enemy
Continuing the known donor discussion I started in Seeking Donor Perfection.
As much as I hate cliche, the saying "Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer" applies to the known donor situation.
In many ways DtD is the enemy. He could tear our future family apart in the blink of an eye. He could specifically establish his position as father when we've specifically detailed that he will not. He could completely negate M.'s position as parent. He could inadvertantly become the focus of our parents just because they can understand the context of man-woman-baby better than woman-woman-baby. He could start demanding the baby have a relationship with his family. All these things loom in the future.
How do you cope with such overwhelming negative possibilities?
We keep him close. Because he is our friend and things will go bad if we start losing sight of that and start seeing him as the means to an end, a quicker, easier way to get pregnant, a convienent source of fresh sperm.
M. feels differently. I think partly because she hasn't known him as long as I have and partly because she's the non-bio mom and DtD's biology is threatening. DtD has always been more of a vial or a body part to her. When we first asked him and he said 'yes' she was suprised at how involved he already viewed himself as being. I wasn't because I knew DtD would never do this if we stipulated he had to jack off in a cup and walk away. He's the type of person who needs involvement.
Part of this is because he wants kids. He's not one of those party-all-the-time homos who realize they want more at 45 then fly to China to pick up their baby. He's been planning kids with BF for as long as I've known him. There are some serious barriers to them having kids which I'm actually grateful for. They protect us and he may not have said 'yes' if he was considering having kids with BF any time soon.
With all these different things coming into play, and not having any idea what the future holds, we can only make sure we all stay close. I talk to DtD every couple days, they come to our house, we go to theirs, we make sure we see each other regularly. We keep the connection because if that connection breaks, we're all in trouble.
posted by Sacha @ 8:12 AM
8 comments
8 Comments:
I actually made it myself. I had to download all the elements off one of the templates, throw them into Photoshop and mess with them.
Interesting how you and M think of DtD differently. Are you scared of drifting apart, moving, whatever?
Even if you are not so close, you may still get along.
Does DtD really have so much power to displacing M if he chose to? Are you able to do a 2nd parent adoption?
I am curious about those questions of Charlotte's.
And I also just want to say that you are smart, smart, smart. :-)
I'm not scared but I would be very sad to lose our friendship. I can't imagine DtD completely disappearing. Especially since he's agreed to be in the child's life, and everything about his actions tells us that this is important to him. We've also agreed, via the contract, to in the least provide annual updates on the child. Even if he and BF moved, I think we'd stay in touch and probably visit regularly. I would miss them but I hope they never make life decisions based on us.
As for the reality of how much power DtD has, we really do have a lot of protections in WA state. And we'll do a second parent adoption. He could still cause trouble but I think it's a remote possibility. It doesn't make the possibility any less scary. The bigger fears are over the things we can't control. His feelings toward the child, our parents treating him like 'dad', negating M.'s role. All those things are possibilities as well and not much fun.
Once again, have to go with the gut and really commit to work through the problems when the arise.
"There are some serious barriers to them having kids which I'm actually grateful for."
I don't think that's very nice to say and seems like such a selfish statement. Especially when your wishing, planning & hoping for a baby yourself. His sperm is fine for you to keep requesting but your grateful he has barriers...nice...
I have been reading your BLOG for a week or so; M posts on connected-moms and I came across it there. I have my fingers so crossed for you! I hope that this is your month. I love the way that you are so open with your feelings. I don't know the whole story with DtD, but wondered would you possibly have a baby for him one day? Sorry if that is an insensitive question.
Lisa - it's not an insensitive question at all. Whether or not I'd agree to be a surrogate for DtD is a complicated question. First, I'm a couple years older than him. By the time we have #1 I would be a much riskier choice than some of the other people he has in mind. Second, we want two kids and M. may not be able to conceive. I may have to carry #2 as well. Lastly, who knows how I'll deal with being pregnant. I have a job that carries a high risk for preterm labor. I'm overweight. My bp is borderline high. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm the best choice for him.
All that said, we've decided to deal with that if he asks. He may never ask. We certainly don't feel we owe him a baby in exchange for his help.
I understand that. Best wishes this cycle!
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