The Difference of Marriage
We finished Bravo's Gay Weddings last night and it left me thinking about the difference making things legal makes. M. and I are lucky enough to have had both a church, non-legal wedding and a legal wedding. Both were absolutely wonderful in their own way. #1 was beautiful with big fluffy gowns and organ music and a photographer, all our friends, the whole nine yards. #2 was small and rushed, some sort of crazy drive to the border, get hitched, have dinner and come back.For me being legally married makes a huge difference. I love that we're legally married. So many will tell you that having a piece of paper makes no difference, but for us it really did. And that was after eleven years of living without one. That piece of paper is certainly not keeping us together, and a lack of paper would never break us apart. It's what that paper symbolizes. It's beyond our commitment to each other. That was solidified with our first ceremony. It really is the acknowledgement and recognition that we have a legal connection and hence a legal right to build a life together. Having our relationship sanctioned by just one government matters.
I am so proud of my M. She's also my closest friend, my confidant, my love, my bill-payer, my responsible one, my conscience in this world. Above that, she's my wife...my LEGAL wife. It just makes a difference.
I'm really hoping that WA state will be moving toward legal marriage by the end of the summer. If that happens, it won't be like Mass where they've restricted it to residents. Everyone can come here and get married.
Share stories if you want. I know there are some other people out there with legal marriages. Some of you have San Francisco and Portland marriages. How does it feel to have our government tell you that you're not legal after all?
posted by Sacha @ 5:51 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
Well, here's what I wrote in a comment on Seeking the Stork. It seems applicable here, so I'll just copy it, thank you very much.
When Kristin and I got married in San Francisco, we didn't think we'd feel differently. But looking at our marriage liscence and certificate we DID feel differently. And then when the marriages were annulled, we were both emotionally devastated. And were so upset when everyone just kept saying, "well, you knew it was going to happen, it doesn't change anything." Um, excuse me? How would you feel to have YOUR marriage annulled just like that? Yeah, I thought so.
It matters. Maybe it wouldn't matter so much if so many rights weren't attached to the paper, but they are and so it does. It does a lot.
When Angele and I were planning our wedding, we never imagined that the Ontario government would legalize same-sex marriages. When it was announced, we rushed down to city hall a few days later and got our marriage license. It was so heart warming to see other gays and lesbians getting licenses. And the people at the Toronto city hall were sooo friendly. It was just incredible to think all of our wedding planning would actually result in a legal marriage. Sure, the wedding would have been wonderful with our without the legal documents but to have our government stand up and say it's just as valid as a straight wedding meant the world to us. It does make a difference when it is legal--there's just a feeling you get that your marriage is validated by your country and therefore equal to any other marriage. Marriage is nice.
Chrissy and I were legally married in MA last summer and then went to city hall in Manhattan to register as domestic partners so that I could receiver her benes. Now, we are changing jobs and though we'll be married in the state we plan to live, she'll be working in CT, so we may have to get a civil union there. Sound ridiculous, doesn't it? When driving we laugh about the different statuses we have as we cross borders. But really, it's sad. It's about recognition - of us, our love, and our choices.
Thank you for writing about how it has been for you guys. I guess maybe I'm in the minority - going to Canada has no appeal to me. We had a non-legal wedding, and while it's "not enough" legally, emotionally it's enough for me. Nothing but federally-recognized (in the US) marriage will be anything to me. I hope this isn't snarky-sounding b/c I absolutely respect people's decisions to get married in Canada, and I am so glad it is meaningful for some. But honestly in my experience it's just been one more thing that "average" people think means things are "ok" in our country for queers - they don't get that getting married in Canada ("Can't you guys just go to Canada??") doesn't lead to my having rights here, just like they don't get that while domestic partnership benefits are nice, they don't even touch the tip of the iceberg for my family's needs.
Thank you for writing about how it has been for you guys. I guess maybe I'm in the minority - going to Canada has no appeal to me. We had a non-legal wedding, and while it's "not enough" legally, emotionally it's enough for me. Nothing but federally-recognized (in the US) marriage will be anything to me. I hope this isn't snarky-sounding b/c I absolutely respect people's decisions to get married in Canada, and I am so glad it is meaningful for some. But honestly in my experience it's just been one more thing that "average" people think means things are "ok" in our country for queers - they don't get that getting married in Canada ("Can't you guys just go to Canada??") doesn't lead to my having rights here, just like they don't get that while domestic partnership benefits are nice, they don't even touch the tip of the iceberg for my family's needs.
My girl and I were legally married in Massachusetts two years ago (I just wrote about it, actually) and had a ceremony a few months later. Like you, we were both floored by what a difference it made for us. It also made a difference for our familes, particularly those who didn't quite "get it."
The relationship has always been real, regardless of our legal status. But the legal status just adds a whole other dimension that I can't even articulate and certainly didn't aticipate.
Now for that ridiculous ban on out-of-staters. I have a spare room if anyone needs to register a Massachusetts address.
We were legally married last summer here in Vancouver, BC. We live here, so we weren't crossing a border to do it. I have to say, we planned to get married and didn't know whether, by our wedding day, it would be legal or not. But we decided that we wouldn't cancel regardless - the ceremony was about us and our commitment, not a legal status decision.
Having said that, though, it means a LOT to me. I don't think we would have had the courage to have such a public celebration without the legal impetus. We invited people who didn't even know we were gay (though, duh!), people who we hadn't seen in years, relatives from far away. And I love that we have legal recognition now as a couple. It's illegal here to discriminate for health benefits and so on, regardless of the marriage issue, but still.
Now that Steven Harper (grrrrrr) is pledging to reopen the debate I feel a deep dark anger brewing in me. Trista, I can only imagine how you felt to have your marriage annulled. I don't know what it will mean for us on many different levels.
Sorry if this is overly rambling!
We're not legally married. We don't plan on becoming so until we live somewhere that offers it to us, or we happen to be in Canada on a weekday.
I do want to mention something about race/class that came across really strong for me, when watching the "Gay Weddings" dvd.
I have to wonder why all 3 of the white couples, two pairings of men, one women, had really extravagant weddings - ok, the men moreso than the women, but still, the latina/non-white couple had the budget, backyard, friends made the cake, pot luck style wedding. Made me go "hrmmm."
Hi Sasha and M. I have just finished reading you entire blog and although my comment does not have to do with this exact post it is your latest one so i thought i'd put it here. I wish you guys all the luck in the world. I got your link from FF so I know about the ups and downs of TTC but reading your blog made me realize that some people have it harder (and i'm sure you've seen on FF that some ppl have it even HARDER) and that some ppl just have it different. I hope that cycle 7 is the last one for you guys, you definitely deserve it since you obvious have a tremendous amount of love. DH and I are ttc since March...and even though we have the "means" availablet to us at anytime (if i haven't worn him out that is) it still hurts everytime AF shows or you see a BFN (i struggle with longer cycles so this is only my 3rd try so i know i have to keep that in perspective) Anyway enough blah blah i just wanted to say that i respect and encourage your journey immensly. GL to all four of you (S, M, DTD and BF) throughout this process!
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