To IUI or Not to IUI, That is the Question
At this point I'm feeling a little dizzy myself with how back and forth we've been about IUI. When we left the OBGYN's office we both felt that IUI was it. Now we've changed our mind. It may be an option in the future but it's not feeling RIGHT at the moment.Our first appointment with an OBGYN, the one that turned terrible, was with a man who we will call Grandpa. Grandpa thought that our known donor plan was "cute" (he really said that) but if we were really serious, we'd go straight to IUI using frozen sperm. Then he lectured us about all the safety risks of using a KD. Grandpa had no respect for us needing the process as much as we need the end product.
Some of you reading this might think I'm crazy. What I want is not just a little baby to hold but I want the process of getting that wee one not to rip me apart. At the end of the day, when I finally lay my head down and take stock of my life, I want to remember being in love and being happy, and having a close friendship with DtD, and knowing that our baby came out of that.
If we do IUI we will have to sacrifice. We will have to lie because we're using a known donor and not frozen. M. won't be able to be there for the insems. DtD will have to go to the intake appointment with me. Our baby will be born out of something very negative. And all of this to increase our chances from 20% to 25%. It doesn't feel right.
As lesbians we are already denied being able to concieve in the conventional manner. We face stress that many straight couples don't face in having to pick a donor and what kind of donor he will be. We don't get the intimacy of sex when we make a baby (we also don't get sex destroyed by babymaking). We are constantly pushed to make inteventions earlier than straight couples because the world views our conception process as a medical event rather than the natural meeting of sperm and egg.
So we're not going to IUI. Because M. and I are still wanting to hold onto our process. It may be "cute" but it's ours and it's important to us. We're not ready to sacrifice that quite yet.
posted by Sacha @ 5:57 AM
11 comments
11 Comments:
I don't know why he'd say it's "cute"... IUI is 25% chance or less each try, depending on your age. Fresh sperm lives much longer than washed, frozen sperm. I would think you have a greater chance using fresh sperm and a known donor. As for doing an IUI, it's really not that bad but it's horrible that you'd have to lie where you live. In our case, my wife gets to sign off on the sperm, warm it up in her hands, view it under the microscope and just be included in the process. We love our doctor and it's not been a bad process, other than the tests, time and BFNs. I really hope you get your BFP on the next try!!!! Thinking of you.
I should clarify...we would have to lie because we're using a known donor. If we were using frozen it wouldn't be a problem.
This does not make any sense to me. If D+D was your "partner" then no one would be suggesting to you that you use frozen sperm. You have chosen him to be the donor and I don't understand why any doctor would want to interfere with that decision. I think you need to find a new doctor. I know things are different in Canada but at the clinic I go to (and I admit there are other problems) same sex couples are encouraged to use known donors and involve them in the process.
Is there a more liberal minded clinic around?
I think you're very reasonable. And, yeah, the process was important to me too. Hence the reason that I'm now adopting rather than continuing TTC.
Wishing you both the best.
The whole must lie bit if you want to use a known donor is all about not trusting women to make rational decisions about their bodies. It's similar to the rhetoric around abortion, really. What it says is that women can't learn about risks and judge for themselves which risks they want to take with their bodies. At least around here (Utah) it is. Because here (and I'm just guessing that it's the same problem in WA) it's all about disease. If you choose to use a known donor to whom you are not partnered -- even if he's had STD tests recently, even if you know and are completely assured of his sexual history -- his sperm needs to be put in quarentine for 6 months before the clinic or doctor will use it because she is not capable of making that kind of risk assessment herself.
So Sacha and M COULD use their known donor without lying (I'm pretty sure -- sorry if I'm wrong) but they'd have to wait. If they lie they could use him immediately -- because as long as she says he's her partner they THEY deem the risk of disease acceptable.
Yucky. I'm glad you're holding to your process.
I can't believe that doctor would propose frozen sperm over fresh. The difference between billions and millions seems obvious to me. Or that he would call your concerns about the process "cute". What an asshole!
There is so much wrong with doctors and insurance and women's bodies, I don't even know where to begin with the rage and frustration. I will relate a story though about my coworker (straight) who would have to pay (not covered under her insurance) to get her tubes tied because she's under 45 years of age and may want to have more kids. Her assurances that the two+ kids (pregnant with the third right now) are plenty is not enough. Someone else has to decide that she's too young to make decisions about her own fertility.
Trista thanks for the explanation. I am even more outraged. This is not a medical clinic where I come to you to ask you to fix a health concern. I am asking you to help me get pregnant. Who are they to judge the sperm you choose to use. So what they are saying is that if you were his partner or if you wanted to have sex with him, that would be ok, but if you want us to do it, it is too risky. Ridiculous. Do all of the clinics have this view?
I apologize for my ignorance and my outrage. I know that this is yours and M's issue and you will deal with it in whatever way works best for you. Good luck!
Sorry guys- sounds like a well-thought-out decision though and I admire it. Just as a side note, the FDA changed its regulations/recommendations on donor sperm last year, so, at least in our area, some REs will do IUI with fresh donor sperm. I know of at least one lesbian couple who did it with our RE, and I've spoken with our RE about the change. Basically, the RE's office has the recipient sign a form that she's aware of the risks. Maybe you should ask around and see if there is someone in the area that would do it. Even if you still didn't want to do IUI, you'd have some more choices.
Here's the description of that new rule. Most RE's are required by their professional organization to follow FDA guidelines. OB/GYNs often do the same. Maybe knowing the rule changed could convince a doc in your area to do fresh IUI with your directed donor:
"directed reproductive donor- whose reproductive cells and tissue may be used even if the donor is determined ineligible. A directed donation involves the designation of a specific potential recipient, but does not involve a sexually intimate partner. (§1271.3(l)). The distinction was made between directed reproductive donors and anonymous donors to respect the existence of relationships between people who know each other and have made a joint decision for the recipient to conceive a child. Directed donations of semen are excepted from the six-month retesting requirement applicable to anonymous donations (21 C.F.R. §1271.85(d)). "
Good for you! At the end of the day this is YOUR choice. if I had a DtD in my life I would probably feel the same way as ya'll. The process is just as important and vital as the end result.
If you were in a het relationship trying for a baby an RE wouldn't even see you until at least a year of trying. (My RE only takes couples that have been trying 2 years.)
I am glad that you are doing what feels right. that is the best thing.
xo
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