Being Kicked in the (Figurative) Gut...
It sucks to get crapp ass news when you think finally everything is okay.
So we're sitting in the exam room after my BP testing waiting to talk to the MD when one of the midwives comes in and introduces herself. I knew the moment she walked in that it wasn't going to be good news. She proceeds to tell us that the group has discussed my DVT history and determined that they will not be able to manage my care.
I've been kicked out.
I hate it when people give you bad news then say they're "sorry". They're not sorry. If they were sorry, a different decision would have been made. It's one thing to apologize for the inconvienence, for stringing us along for fucking FIVE weeks, to acknowlege that this is difficult to hear. Just don't sit there, stare at me and say "I'm sorry" over and over again. You're not fucking SORRY.
I asked the midwife to leave the room.
Seems the decision to drop me was made on Thursday. Instead of calling us, telling us the news and giving us some time to digest and make different plans, they waited to tell me in person on Tuesday. Instead of telling me when I could have coped in the privacy of my own home, when I actually had TIME to deal with this, when I wasn't going back to work the next day, they waited to give me the privledge of having them kick me in the gut in person.
Thanks. A lot.
The really horrible thing is that I was going to go to the appointment without M. She was supposed to work and it was ONLY a hypertension appointment. I was feeling nervous about it the night before and mentioned it, so she insisted on going with me. I'm so glad she was there because I think I would have just walked out.
I was upfront from the beginning about the DVT history. I knew it could make me too high risk to be managed by midwives. At every step I was lead to believe that if I ruled out for know hypercoagulation disorders I would be able to stay in the group. And yes, I ruled out. If they had been professional and made a decision in a timely manner, they would be a blip on my radar screen. Instead we're having to change my care again. I'll probably be in the third tri by the time we find a doc that works for us. This is not only unfair but fucking ridiculous. At every turn I've had my power as a patient taken away.
God dammit, it took so long to get here and now I just want us to be pregnant and happy, and every time I turn around someone hurts us.
We're trying to figure out what to do. The holidays don't make things any better.
We can go to a recommended OBGYN who would think my DVT history is "no big deal". This would keep us at Big Hospital of Interventions, which I feel okay about. What I don't like is that she's at the same clinic and I'm so PISSED right now that I can't stomach the idea of going back there.
All our other options would mean changing to Even Bigger Hospital of Interventions. We have to decide how important the actual delivery is, or should we be focused on getting prenatal care where we're comfortable and respected. If we go with Bigger Hospital, we may talk to our family practice MD, Dr. G. We know we'll be respected if we use her. We also have some recs for OBGYNs that other people love.
All this just takes more time and costs us more money.
If you've made it this far down my story, here's the question. What's more important, feeling respected and listened to during prenatal care or making a decision on where to deliver that MAY lead to reduced interventions?
posted by Sacha @ 11:19 AM
11 comments
11 Comments:
Here's what I think... I think that if you're being respected and well taken care of and you're comfortable as a patient during the pre-natal period, then you're less likely to have horrible interventions where your power is taken away and you're not respected later during the delivery. You're more likely to be treated like and adult and spoken to like a rational person if interventions become necessary... rather than treated like a hostile crazy who can't accept what's good for her and her baby.
Find a good doctor now, get taken care of now. And then talk to that doctor about your fears of unnecessary interventions. This is all about building trust. You've had your trust violated several times, you need a chance to build it back.
Hi Sacha. I am so sorry you got bad news - and right before the holidays, no less. As if the holidays were not stressful enough... If there has to be a choice, I would go with the best prenatal care. In the situation with my daughter it probably saved her life. Prior to my pregnancy I also had a history of hypertension. In my second trimester, I began exhibiting symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I swelled up like an over inflated beach ball (ankles...what are those?!) My blood pressure soared above the 120/94 range and I was monitored like a hawk by a wonderful OB. I was hooked up to the non-stress test monitor at least weekly, if not 2-3 times a week. At 36 weeks my blood pressure went even higher and my daughter seemed to be responding negatively to it, so the decision was made to induce labor. This put a real monkey wrench in the whole natural, no intervention birthing plan that I had. All the books I had read, all the natural child birthing classes I had taken were tossed aside in favor of my daughter's wellbeing. Yes I had to do the whole "big hospital birth thing" and YES it was expensive as HELL, yes I had to get the pitocin, yes I had to get an epidural, yes they had to insert the internal fetal monitor due to my condition, and NO I hadn't wanted any of these things. My quest to have an intervention-free, natural childbirth, this labor of love I'd had for almost 9 months was crumbling before my eyes and there was not a thing I could do to control it. Relinquishing control was not such an easy feat for my type-A, control dominant personality. The whole experience was humbling. My daughter's health and safety were paramount. And for what it's worth, my daughter's birth was no less beautiful and miraculous than it would have been had I had her in a birthing center. Best of luck in to you in your search! We all support whatever decision you make and wish you continued happiness.
My opinion and this is only my opinion but do what will put the baby in the best situation. Now that we are in the process of being mothers our main concern is baby's safety first. I speak for myself right now and possibly you will relate but my hormones are going crazy and I am on verge of snapping at everything because nothing seems to be going right. I have found some resolve in having my partner help me with these decisions. Like your partner I am sure she knows you best and knows what you are like not pregnant and how you would be thinking. This is a great time to relieve yourself of some stress and allow her to help you through this. She seems very sweet and cares a great deal for you, let her guide you through this one, she will know what is best for you both :) I know not much of an answer but sometimes the answer has to come to us.
oh sacha...
for what its worth, i think that having a doctor and labor support team you trust is the most important thing.
as long as the hospital is willing to let you do some things differently, like walk during labor, and move around a lot, you will probably be OK. if your hospital won't allow such things, i'd be more weary..
So sorry you had to go through this. :(
My opinion... I think it's most important to feel comfortable during your prenatal care. If you do and you know you're respected then the delivery will be just as comfortable. A hospital might want to do interventions but if you have a doctor that respects how you feel, he/she should be on your side when intervention is not necessary.
I am very sorry that you are going through this. I am pregnant with #2, and to be very honest with you, I think the delivery is more important. We had lots of things go wrong when my daughter was born and I was glad we had a great doctor that told me what was going on as it was going on.
Keep in mind, that you and your partner can determine how your birth goes. If you don't like your nurse, you can get a new one. If you don't want drugs, just say no. If you want music, bring it. You can also change your mind about anything at any time.
The MOST important thing is that you deliver a healthy baby in a manner that leaves you healthy too. Don't get too hung up on the other stuff, but I know that is easier said than done.
Before you know it you'll have your little one and this experience will be a story to share with friends.
Well I think get the best care you can for you and your baby - express your desires for your birth and be ready to be flexible. I don't think you can actually determine what kind of interventions will happen until you are in the middle of it. My dr was wonderful and he kept threatening me with intervention first because I failed my glucose test then because of bloodpreasure then because Aidyn was breech until 36.5 wks. In the end I had a natural unmedicated birth HUgs and peace and hopefully you will find a dr you can build trust with
Kim_m_kk
If it were me, I would go with the better prenatal care than the end product of the hospital. I have seen too many times when people's birth plans just go straight out the window and are totally out of their control... so why bank on something, compromise your needs for MONTHS when you could still end up with a less-chosen result?
I would choose comfortable and respectful care any day of the week. Besides, better care all through these months might make for a less-stressed you and an easier, less invasive delivery.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Oh I am so sorry to hear about you being tossed around in this process. I agree, it should be a joyous time but the reality can fall short.
I think prenatal care where you are well-cared for and respected is essential. It shapes your frame of mind for the delivery. I found it helpful to feel like I had rapport with the docs in the practice and we had our favorites (easy to do in 3rd trimester as I went every 2 weeks!)... when we had issues, and everyone has something (worry, bp, weight-gain), we felt confident that we could discuss them and challenge protocols.
As you know - Hannah's birth didn't go as we wanted. And, I can honestly say - I never had to worry about doubting the care of my OB. We felt like we had pushed and asked questions and we did what had to be done. It has made a huge difference as I try to understand the experience of her birth and enjoy her babyhood.
A good doc knows the hospital and knows what can and cannot be negotiated. Our hospital had a very clear policy, for example, of no eating during labor. My team/doc promptly overruled that saying "it's going to be awhile and she'll need her energy - feed the woman". And they did.
I wish you all the best!
I'm going to disagree with people. I think the birth place is more important, UNLESS you are going to be receiving totally crappy prenatal care.
The doctor you choose it there for a small amount of time during the birth. A critical time, yes, but not the time when most interventions happen that cascade into bad shit.
I also think there is a doc out there who can deliver you at the hospital you want (well, the one you are accepting, at least, not Bigger Badder Interventionville.)
That is so craptastic and unprofessional of your midwives.
I think if you search more (I can't BELIEVE YOU FUCKING HAVE TO) you can find a hippy crunchy obgyn, they exist, no? There are crunchy doctors in Seattle?? Are there any hippy birth classes or birth networks that can help you? Sometime home birth midwives work with particular OBs.
At least you can find a crunchy doc to deliver you at Big Bad hospital.
Again, though, it is so scary and uncool to have to switch practitioners so many times. How unsettling. It's like it just can't be fucking easy for you, at any step in the process. Balls.
We originally wanted to try to get into the natural birth suite at the public hospital we both work at, which has lovely big birthing tubs, aromatherapy and midwife-delivered care. But after travelling through the process of conceiving with our OB/GYN we made the difficult decision to stay with him and instead deliver at the only hospital he delivers at, which is a private hospital with a 60% C-section rate! This is because we know that our OB is very low intervention compared to other private OB's and we very much trust his opinion. My trust in doctors decision-making has been severely eroded over the years working as a nurse and I knew it would be very hard for me to trust the opinion of any doctor other than the OB/GYN we already had. If the shit hits the fan during labour and I really need a C-section then I honestly trust his opinion on this and won't be left wondering if he just said this to be able to go and play golf sooner. I know as well that I would trust him with forceps in his hand and if I needed suturing of any kind that he does an amazing job. The benefits of my partner having worked with him for several years at our hospital I guess!
So anyway, I haven't given birth yet and don't know about the importance of the locale of that happening, but I couldn't be happier with the continuity of care I have received with our OB and the level of trust I have in his opion. I could be giving birth under a tree in the forest or out in space and still trust his opinion and that's the part that really matters to me.
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