Dinner with DtD
M. and I have dinner with DtD and BF tonight. I'm excited because although we talk regularly, we haven't seen that much of them since we got pregnant.
It's funny because M. and I both have this neurotic obsession with keeping DtD from seeing that I'm pregnant. When picking out my outfit tonight, I chose one that makes me look not SO pregnant. We didn't want him to see the PILES of diapers in the dining room the last time he took care of the cats. I keep telling M. that at some point he'll actually see we have a baby.
I was thinking it through this morning and I think I've figured it out. DtD wants kids. Not just kids...bio babies. He's given us what he wants. I'm not worried about him taking little boy away. I just hate the fact that I feel like we're hurting him, especially after everything he's done for us. It's hard to feel that you have hurt someone who you care about.
It's hard because we don't know what the future holds. I think when little boy is here and we all settle into our roles, things will be okay. In the meantime, this situation requires a certain amount of trust.
posted by Sacha @ 2:58 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
that really is a tough one. hmm..just curious...do you think dtd will ask you to be a surrogate? if so, would you consider it?
Truthfully I don't expect him to ask. And I don't think he's approaching this as us owing him now. He has truly given us a gift.
At one time I would have said 'probably' to being a surrogate. I don't know now. I'm not a good candidate and I would be a lot older since I wouldn't agree to anything until we have baby #2. Pregnancy has been stressful for me and I'd automatically be categorized high risk because of the clotting issues. I don't know if I want to go through that again.
And now I'm getting all these major happy attachment hormones and I am SO IN LOVE with our little guy its amazing. I don't know if I could go through that and give up the baby.
we had some similar anxiety before the kid came--it's hard, because even though the 4 of us (me, hope, donor and his DP) had talked a lot about expectations, written those into our contract, and felt like we had a "plan," we were also acutely aware that feelings and emotions could change after quinn was born. you're right, trust is hugely important right now...
btw, i can't remember if i've written this in another comment here or not, but our KD told us he was feeling pretty anxious about meeting quinn (the night she was born). he told us that holding her, he didn't feel like he was looking at 'his child,' but at our daughter......
I had also wondered if you would consider being a surrogate. I'm sure dtd is probably just as anxious about the situation and it is very kind of you to think ahead and be considerate of the fact that you have what he wants. I bet in the end though, it will work out naturally. You all knew what you were agreeing to and dtd knew that to be successful there would have to be a baby at the end.
Good luck tonight, I hope it goes well!
I think it is natural to be worried, especially as a preggo lady! Just wondering, when your wife tries for #2 are you using more DtD sperm? Is it already saved and frozen, or will he donate again? Sorry if this is none of my business (ignore me if it is)...just curious.
Emily
I hear you on the surrogate thing. FUCK NO would I do it after now experiencing pregnancy. I could never/would never do this for someone else, except maybe my sister if she asked me to.
You know, if your eggs were in good enough condition, you could consider being an egg donor for him, and he could get a gestational surrogate. I've thought about what I would do if our known donor asked me (although I really don't think he will) and although I'm sure I couldn't be a traditional surrogate (egg+gestational), I hope that I could do the egg thing for him, as it's really no more than he has done for me (emotionally, physically it's more invasive, but such is life).
Best to all of you! I love following your story. -Nina (GoodyRachel from Rainbow Conceptions)
Emily Yes, the plan is to ask DtD to donate for #2.
When we asked him to be our donor for little boy it was in the context of wanting two children and wanting him to be the donor for both. He was amenable to that plan at the time.
We both know he could change his mind, which is his right. Yikes. But I think more likely than not he'll help us again, but the uncertainty causes a certain amount of anxiety.
How did dinner go??
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