Mothers' Day

I've been going back on forth on whether or not I want to write about some of the stuff going on with my mother. I've decided to bring it to light. Watch out because this is long...

Mothers' Day

We had a mostly good Mothers' Day. M. and I both have parents in the area so we all got together for a really good brunch. Afterward we went to M.'s parents house and just chilled. It was the perfect pace for people permanently stuck on baby time.

But there were parts that were bad.

My parents usually pay for both M. and I when we go out for meals. It's been this way for the duration of our relationship. My parents picked MOTHERS' DAY as a time to start quibbling over whether or not they would pay for M. or if her parents should pay. This might be okay if it didn't happen the night before Moms' Day with no prior arrangements with M.'s parents. Her parents would basically go to brunch expecting to pay for themselves and be ambushed by my parents into paying for M. I'm just glad I was told the night before or we'd never be doing anything as an entire family again.

I've been really hurt over this. It's taken a few days of thinking about it and I've finally figured out why.

In male/female relationships, it is the responsibility of the man to make Mothers' Day special. In female/female relationships no one has the responsibility. So I had developed an expectation that the responsibility for making our first Mothers' Day special should fall onto the shoulders of my parents. I know they didn't recognize this, but it made their quibbling over $35 feel particularly hurtful. Especially because they aren't exactly poor and they've ALWAYS paid for us when we all go out.

All I wanted for our Mothers' Day was to have my whole family together and to have the brunch we missed at Easter because we'd just brought Finn home. Because of M. being laid off, our finances are tight and the gift I wanted from my parents was for them to pay for our meal. Instead we not only paid for our own Mothers' Day brunch, we didn't even get a card from my parents. Or flowers. Just a mylar balloon...for ME. Yes, you know what's coming.

I know I sound whiney and spoiled. I probably am quite spoiled, although I NEVER take my parents generousity for granted. I call them, show up for family functions, send cards, acknowledge important occasions, arrive on time and often put aside things we are doing to spend time with them.

And YES, we did give both our mothers a card and gift...awesome, customized little brag books of Finn from Shutterfly.

The Smother Mother

The other issue with my mom is that she's smothering us when it comes to Finn. My parents visit once a week. She calls every single day. When she's here, she hovers over me and constantly asks to hold Finn. Right when I need my mother the most, she is refusing to be a mother to me. Being a grandmother is all consuming for her.

At the brunch Finn was really fussy. There was just too much to look at. We had to hold him constantly and bounce him to help soothe him.

Instead of letting us take care of him, my mother was constantly trying to hold him. When she did, he would fuss. She was trying to take pictures, asking M. to stop bouncing him so she could take one. All that did was start Finn crying again. At one point she started shaking the mylar balloon at Finn as he cried and I had to tell her to stop because it was too much stimulation.

Then the topper...I gave Finn to M. and got up to get some food. He started fussing and my mother said "Oh, he wants his mother."

Um, yeah. Nevermind that HIS MOTHER was holding him.

So, we're going a little crazy. I know she loves him. I know she means well. But she's being entirely inappropriate on so many levels. It's a little like having her decide to have the circumcision discussion one day post c-section...her timing is CRAP. Here we are, new parents, and because of her behavior, we have to deal with something that we shouldn't have to deal with right now. Instead of taking care of us, my mother is only taking care of herself...even at the expense of Finn and his needs.