Girl Boys and Boy Girls

M. and I recently ran into a friend who I will call Heidi the Hippy. Heidi has a son, Hippy Spawn. We were sitting on the grass at a local park, watching the kids play when Heidi called little Hippy Spawn over to her and I realized that the girl I'd been watching playing, the one wearing spandex pants and a sparkling halter top with long, golden locks, was not a girl after all.

HS is five. M. and I were discussing on the way home that it was not Heidi imposing some sort of gender bender dress code, but a choice that HS made himself.

I've always striven to be honest here, so I'll say it. It scares me that I could have a transgendered child. Finn is my boy and it scares me that maybe one day he'll decide to be Fiona. Partly because I don't want it for me and mostly because I don't want my baby to have one more thing in life to deal with.

I think about this. About Finn not being comfortable in his skin, about M. and I dealing with having an entirely different child than we ever expected, about how our families would react and the judgement that would be brought down on us. Because no matter my discomfort, if that is who Finn is, it's our job to support him in becoming the most functional person he possibly can be. Even if it's not who I want him to be and even if it scares me.

Parenting Breaks Your Heart

M. and I have gotten through what has to be the worst day ever with Finn. It's teething. It's hell. Our boy has been fussy, crabby, crying and uncomfortable all day. But that's not the worst of it. He's been impossible to get to sleep for naps and then bedtime arrived.

Ohhhh, bedtime.

It was bad. Screaming. Digging his head into the covers. Nursing, nursing, nursing until my breasts are raw. Then nursing some more. Biting because his teeth hurt. Screaming more. Eyes red rimmed, begging us for some relief. And a car ride and more drugs 3.25 hours later, finally asleep.

There are no words for how horrible and heartbreaking and sad it is to watch your child in pain. I feel like I got a small glimpse into what it must be like to have a chronically ill child and I don't know where those parents get their strength. Except that being a parent brings what feels like a rod of iron through your very soul and you know that however difficult the road ahead looks, you will get through it for your child.

Because you absolutely have to.

At some point as we were driving Finn up I-5 in a desperate attempt to get him to sleep M. declared that she just couldn't handle it anymore. I know how she feels, but I also know that she will handle it, I will handle it and we'll keep going. Because that's what you do.

I swear Finn breaks my heart every single day and today it feels like it's in about a billion pieces. Somehow I manage to pick them up over and over again.

BHOI at the Zoo

M. and I have splurged and purchased a zoo membership. When one purchases a zoo membership it's imperative that one head to the zoo as soon as possible, which is what we did last week. We were standing in line behind a woman when I noticed that she was holding a baby and breast feeding. I have to say that a breast feeding baby completely melts my heart - I think it's one of the most beautiful things in the entire world.

So I told Ms. NIP how lovely it was to see her breast feeding her baby when M. realized she knew the woman. Ms. NIP told us her name and while M. tried to figure out where we knew her from, I immediately recognized it.

Ms. NIP was Dr. NIP, one of the docs at BHOI who screwed us over. One of the people who sent us running to our beloved Dr. G. and the Baby Factory. One of the people who made me cry.

Grrrrrrr.

Oh how I wanted to tell her that things turned out okay, that she was WRONG, that Finn had come when he was ready, that we weren't induced at 37 weeks, that she did nothing...NOTHING...to help us, that she had failed as a doctor. Take that, Dr. NIP.

Except I didn't. It was strange because all that anger and animosity just wasn't there. She wasn't a person with power over us, she was just another parent who had a hungry infant, who was taking care of her baby.

I still hate BHOI but running into Dr. NIP pushed it all a little further into the past. Sometimes you find a little bit of healing in the strangest places, like in line waiting to get into the zoo.

Congrats Oh Chicken

introducing baby jude., originally uploaded by ohchicken.

Look at this lovely girl.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light...

Sleep has remained a complex event in our house. Night sleep has been difficult since four months. Day sleep has it's good and bad moments. One thing we could always count on was our boy going to bed. He's always been No Story, Sleep NOW.

Not anymore.

Finn is consolidating into one nap and it's wreaking havoc with bedtime. Our sweetness who used to nurse to sleep now kicks and pushes and wiggles until I hold him so he can't move and he ends up screaming himself to exhaustion. Then he can finally nurse to sleep.

M. and I are adamantly against leaving Finn to cry but lately I feel useless as our son screams in my arms. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing is different except that he's wrapped tightly in my embrace as he sobs and sobs and sobs. I'm not sure me being there is making any difference at all.

We've always been good at stopping and taking inventory, so that's what we've done. I can't force Finn to cry anymore just so he can work out his frustration and pent up energy. It's breaking my heart. So we're seriously analyzing how we do bedtime, when we do bedtime and trying to figure out what we can do to help our boy.

Hopefully Finn just has to get past this and then he'll go back to No Story, Sleep NOW! But if he doesn't, we'll keep handling him with love and gentleness as we shepherd him to sleep as well as through life.

Stealth Boy

Finn is walking 90% of the time now and it's actually not hugely different from him crawling. He could get to pretty much everything in the house when he crawled so walking isn't too much of a shock.

Except for the noise.

Crawling is noisy. Hands and knees slapping across the floor. With my ears that can pick out lung sounds over heart sounds and hear a bed alarm down the hallway, I pretty much always knew where the boy was. Oh, living room. Now his room. Oops, heading to the bedroom...time for interference.

Now he moves like a ghost. Suddenly he's in the living room when I knew he was in his room just moments ago. It's strange to see our son's little head bobbing along as he toddles across the floor.

At the same time, M. and I are glad our boy is walking. Now he can go to the park and play on the equipment, or walk along side us and hold our hands. It's sweet.

The Fun Stuff

I have to admit that Finn is really really fun. Maybe toddlers are hell, and maybe he will be awful later, but right now I like our boy an awful lot.

Fun thing #1. He whaps me in the middle of the night when he wants to nurse. Yeah, no cute little nuzzles. Full-on whapping accompanied by a lot of whining. He he. The boy knows what he wants.

Fun thing #2. Clapping while nursing. How many people get applause just for being the boob?

Fun thing #3. Kisses. He wakes up and gives us kisses. He gives his giraffe kisses. He gives grandma kisses. Is there anything funner than KISSES?????

Happy Birthday to...CHOMP

Finn has had his very first bite-another-kid moment, and it was a doozy. Let me set up the scene.

Meet Elijah. He's sweet and just turning one year. It's his birthday party and he's in the middle of opening his gifts. Finn, the only other kid there, is "helping" him. M. and I are sitting across the room watching when M. notices that it appears that Finn is biting Elijah on the arm. "What is he doing?", M. wonders because Elijah isn't making a peep. 30 seconds later...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Finn didn't just nibble Elijah. He didn't simply threaten to bite. He clamped down and BIT Elijah's arm.

M. and I have been preparing for this moment. Finn's a terrible teether and he bites us when his teeth hurts. It was only a matter of time before a peer got near Finn's hurting little teeth and I guess Elijah's plump little arm was just too tempting. We whisked Finn across the room, M. went and comforted Elijah and I held our squirming little boy. No yelling, no chastising, no overreaction. Just removed our little piranha and apologize profusely.

The worst part was hours later when I glanced up and realized that Elijah had eight little teeth-shaped bruises in the shape of Finn's mouth on his forearm. What a lovely birthday present.

Oh well.

One Giant Mind EFF!!!

Finally life has slowed enough for me to sit down and write.

As we wait for OOB (our original boy) to return M. and I have been thinking more and more about Finn's little brother or sister. We might be jumping onto the TTC wagon again at the end of 2008, we may not. It's hard not knowing.

I personally have been doing a lot of thinking. I think I'm moving toward being ready to have a sibling for Finn. M. has been sure from before day one that we will not have an only child but I haven't felt quite as sure. I'm starting to be able to see having a newborn again, and I'm starting to be able to envision our family as four instead of three. I'm also starting to feel that we can work to give Finn what he needs and balance that with having another kid in our lives.

Anyway, onto the giant mind EFF (as FUCK, except babycakes (at least the writer) is attempting to watch her language a bit more).

It took us eight (long) tries (sorry anonymous, it doesn't feel any less long to me even if you remind me that other people try even longer) so I feel prepared for almost anything when it comes to trying to get M. pregnant. I'm ready to batten down the hatches and ride the waves of BFNs.

Except then I start thinking.

We fully expect it will be even more difficult to get M. pregnant because of PCOS so we're ready for the long haul. Maybe even a miscarriage. Interventions loom and we haven't even stuck a sperm-loaded syringe up her vagina quite yet. But you can't plan how your TTC will go and since we're expecting so much trouble and pain and struggle and emotionally draining failure...

WE'LL GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY!!!!!!!!!

right? Because things never turn out the way you expect...please....

And THIS my dearest people is the giant GIANT mind EFF. We're back to where we were in January of 2006, completely sure we would be pregnant immediately. It's a vicious cycle that can suck in even the most weathered battle weary TTC veterans. It's maddening.

Still busy....

, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh,,,a million things in my head and no time to write about them. Anyway, Finn is fab and we forge on.

At the Playground

, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Busy busy busy at the S, M, F household. Lots of teething. Here's a pic of our boy until I can get some time to sit down and write.