Happy 2008!

Being old and parents, M. and I will be ringing in the new year around 10 pm then going to bed. I also have to trek into the cold and the damp in the morning to work. So NYE 2007 is a bit boring in our household.

2007 year in review

This time last year we were having a fancy NYE dinner. I felt ugly and pregnant, pretty much my state of being. I was still working and not totally miserable yet. Yet.

I stopped working. A week later M. lost her job. Six weeks later my water broke at 5:15 am.

54 hours later we had our boy and plunged into the wonder and hell of newbornhood. Everything in 2007 is BC and AC. Before Child. After Child. I went back to work and discovered that I still like my job and my passion for nursing has not been sucked away by motherhood. My relationship with my mother blew up and hasn't been the same since. M. and I didn't kill each other. We became parents. Imagine that!

I don't know about 2008. A dear friend of ours is facing what could be a serious health problem. Our original boy isn't here. Finn is getting better and better. Our finances are on continuously shakey ground. We'll be jumping back into TTC. I'm teaching myself how to knit socks. We'll see how it goes.

But no matter what happens, I'll talk about it here. Thanks for being part of our lives, babycakes readers. We love you all.

Now it's time for mac-n-cheese and champagne.

Doin' it Old Skool!

Hangin' in Bed, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Today we did something M. and I haven't done since before Finn was born.

We hung out in bed all morning.

Any of the recently pregant with their first peeps out there, do this one thing, if you don't do anything else before that sweet baby arrives. Spend a morning in bed. Just lie there. Stretch yourself all the way across its expanse. Nap a little then wake up again. Read the paper. Listen to the radio, or the quiet. Read a book. I mean REALLY enjoy it. Then get up and instead of thinking of all the things you didn't do while lying in bed, smile.

So it was the three of us. Mommy, mama and Finn. And we just hung out. We played. Finn nursed. We napped. We laughed. We did nothing. It was glorious.

Almost nine months after our world turned upside down (in the best way possible), we're getting some semblence of it back. It's not the same because it never will be again, but it's good.

N.I.P. so F.U.

I've created a Flickr group that might be of interest. It's all about NIP and for pics of babies/kids NIP. And it's outraged, because it's bullshit that nursing mothers get shit for NIP. I have friends who will give formula in public even though they breastfeed and have a fine supply.

If you support N.I.P. and are outraged, here's the group. Join!*

N.I.P. so F.U.

*no pervs allowed, tell me who you are when you ask to join and give me a link to take a look at. You wouldn't believe the people out there.

Merry. Christmas. Baby.

originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Finn's first Christmas has come and gone.

I admit it. I'm a homebody to an extreme. I absolutely HATE going anywhere. Which is why even the short trek to my inlaws, whom I adore, was marginally painful. M. and I ended up getting very little sleep. The only saving grace was that I ended up napping with Finn on Christmas day.

Finn had fun. He really enjoyed opening presents and attempted to ingest several bows. He also actually enjoyed the toys he got.

Then we get home and find out that not only is Cali preggers but so are Jen and Cait. Best. Christmas.Present. Ever.

And now it's over and we're plunged back into teething hell as of 4 am this morning. M. thinks he's working on four all at once, which might be the case because this morning was pretty much the worst it's ever been. And Finn is not an easy teether by any stretch of the imagination.

Calliope!

EPT, originally uploaded by Calliope1.

Just wanted to say congrats to Cali who has worked so long and hard for this. Here's to a sticky, sticky baby.

Thank You for Smoking

Finn has a muy snotty nose and little cough, just in time for Christmas, so M. and I decided to pull out the humidifier.

Our humidifier is a self-proclaimed ADORABLE (it says so on the box) blue penguin. There was a frog and a pig but I had to have the blue penguin. It was soooooooooo CUTE. Cute bit me in the ass.

We bought it, got it home, filled it up and watched as the mist started to plume out, turning our room into the swamp zone. I stared at it in horror then turned to M. and declared...

It's a smoking penguin!

Yep, our humidifier is some sort of subversive effort by the tobacco industry to hook Finn at an early age. His warm fuzzies about his ADORABLE humidifier will turn into the comfort of a pack of Camels chain-smoked in a dim apartment inbetween gulps of cheap beer. All because I had to have that cute blue penguin.

How many people can say this...

I love my job!

I was in nursing school when I started this blog. It was a long road getting to that point, and it was also the first significant life change I'd ever sat up in the morning, decided to make and then followed through with. It took four years from that moment to graduate and become an RN.

I had my two year review yesterday and it went very well. There was a point in my life when I never went into an annual review without a box of kleenex on hand. It's nice for things to be different.

There's such a push for nurses right now and it's a profession that's portrayed as a sacrificing and helping. Yes it can be that way at moments. It's also a hard job with a high rate of workplace violence. It will chew you up, spit you out, and then chew you up again. It's a changing profession where patient care is constantly being pushed aside and they are heaping more and more responsibilty (aka CRAP) onto the people at the beside.

And I still love it.

Because if you want to work hard, be challenged and to find a place where you can truly advocate for people, it's perfect. I also work at a generally good hospital with a generally good doctor/nurse relationship and have wonderful supportive coworkers. Makes all the difference.

The best part is that I can love my job and still be a parent the majority of the week while supporting my family. How awesome is that.

So, people out there considering it, BE A NURSE. We rock.

Finn TV will return shortly.

Creating Spaces

M. and I went to a lesbian family holiday party this last weekend. It's strange because we live in a city that has the largest per capita queer population, yet there is NOTHING for kids with queer parents. I realized as I was sitting watching all these kids of different ages playing happily that it is so very important for us as parents to be creating safe spaces for our families. Not only for ourselves to connect with others having similar experiences, but for our kids.

No matter how many times I tell myself that it won't matter to Finn that he has two moms, that it's actually to his advantage, the reality is that he will face challenges because of his parents. This makes me kind of sad. Not totally because kids have their challenges, whether it's race or socioeconomic, or their body size, or their physical skill. We will be one of Finn's challenges, and knowing this will allow us help him navigate through his world.

But it's still important for Finn, and our future second child, to have places where they can 100% be themselves and be around other kids like them. This is why even though we live in a community that is integrated, where being gay or lesbian has become as meaningless as being blonde or brunette, where we barely nod at each other as we go about our daily business, we need to make spaces that are ony for us and our families. Because every child deserves safety in their lives and as their parents, it's our job to provide that to the best of our ability.

The No Factor

Finn has a mad illicit love affair with the space heater. He wants it. We don't want him to have it. So we say "no". Well, we don't say no because we don't really like to use that word. Instead we've decided to say "stop". It goes like this...

Finn crawls toward the space heater. Stop. Finn fingers the space heater. Stop. Finn looks back at mommies and wonders what all the fuss is about. Stop. Finn licks the space heater. STOP.

stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I'm starting to see how parents default to yelling no all of the time.

We're starting to think about discipline. We're not there but the time is coming and I want actually be effective and discipline in a manner where Finn understands the consequences of his actions. The BIG problem...this point probably won't come until he's around five years old. What do we do until then? Say "stop" with no effect until the word becomes meaningless and M. and I become those parents...THOSE PARENTS...yelling "stop" or "no" or whatever, over and over and over to absolutely no avail.

It's really hard.

I know we won't do time outs. I am still dealing with the feelings of abandonment and isolation my own experience with time outs left me with. Sorry Super Nanny, no Naughty Bench, Mat, Corner, Bin or Pillow for this family. M. and I are looking into a method called Love and Logic that looks like it's congruent with our values as parents.

In the meantime, we moved Finn's beloved space heater where he can't reach it and spend a lot of time redirecting Mr. I'm-Not-Redirectable.

The 30 Minute Project Final

The Thirty Minute Project, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Here's the final product. I had twenty two pictures from the day and the only way I could get the mosaic to work was use two colums and eleven rows. Damn you number twenty two! Click on the picture to get to the bigger version.

How did it turn out? Well, I did this to show Jess that Finn really isn't all sweetness and light and guess what...he was ALL SWEETNESS AND LIGHT today. Okay, one brief meltdown so ALMOST all sweetness and light. If this kid was this way all the time I'd say we have an easy baby. Let's just say we didn't really want him to go to bed tonight.

Overall, such a great day with our boy.

The Flickr set is here!

The 30 Minute Project

Our friend Jess has said that based on our Flickr photos, Finn appears to be a singularly happy and easy baby. Well, he is happy. Except when he's not. He's not really easy.

I'm embarking on the 30 Minute Project today. I'll be taking a picture of Finn every 30 minutes from waking to sleep, no matter if he's happy or crying. The only time a picture won't be taken is if we are all napping together. This will give an accurate view of the many moods of Finn.

M. is horrified that I will be revealing the strange toys our son plays with, which is at the moment a Jarritos bottle.

I have my digi. I have the timer. Ready. Set. Go!

Midnight Party Boy

It's 1am, do you know what YOUR baby is doing?, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

I made the HUGE mistake of missing my boy and playing with him the other night when he woke up at midnight being as cute as can be. Long and short...there M. and I were up in the middle of the night, staring at our son as he speed crawled around the kitchen and tried to crawl in to the dishwasher.

Next time, I will resist.

Riding with Fatty

I work hard to be a valuable person in life. I work hard at my job. I work hard at parenting. I work hard at my relationship. I am not going to be told that I am lesser than anyone else for any reason.

This works most of the time.

This morning I was taking my a.m. nap on the bus when woke up and glance down at the piece of paper my seatmate was writing on. I wasn't being nosey. I just happened to read what she was writing and this is what I saw:

I'm sitting next to a sleeping giant fat lady on the bus.

All of my work in life was reduced down to this single sentence. I wasn't a nurse. I wasn't a mother. I wasn't a spouse, or a daughter, or a neighbor. I was simply fat. Oh, and sleeping. Suddenly the lady next to me had a upset, pissed off fatty on her hands. The sleeping giant had awoken.

I told her that what she wrote was not nice and rather cruel, then I got up and walked away. Of course it didn't end there because I had to endure another ten minutes on the bus with her and has happenstance had it, I ended up standing next to her again while she apologized profusely over and over, even telling me that she was simply trying to cheer up her friend who was getting a divorce. I responded, over and over again, that I didn't really care and as far as I was concerned the conversation was over. Finally I decided to get off the bus and walk the extra few blocks to work. A small price to pay.

I'm really glad I don't see the world in that way. Being overweight has made me to see the value of people beyond their body size and shape. It doesn't mean that moments like that don't feel pretty close to a knife twisting deep in my gut. Bottom line is that people can really, really suck.

Naked Night Nursing

The other night Finn's dipe leaked. We usually find this out when we unzip his sleep sack to bring him into bed with us and are (un)pleasantly surprised with wet PJs. Yay.

So M. proceeded to go grab a diaper while I nursed our sleeping boy. We then very carefully peeled him out of his jammies and proceded to do a 100% sleeping diaper change. All went well...

Except...

At some point Finn ended up naked and he LIKED it. Here we are trying to diaper him and he's all curled into the fetal position, naked against my belly and completely and utterly happy. It was so sweet because it reminded me of our tiny boy we brought home over eight months ago.

At the same time...

I wasn't entirely thrilled about the increased risk of being urinated on. I enjoyed the sweetness of the moment then we unfurled his little legs and put that dipe back on.

Winter Babies

Winter Babies, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

I'm back at work so time for another picture.

No, we're not in the mountains. Yes, it does snow in Seattle.

This is Finn's first snow. We were going to a colleagues baby shower and Finn slept the whole way there, then woke up when we got him out of the car. He had a true look of wonder on his face when he saw the white stuff. The best!

Beeline Boy

Finn is so curious about everyone and everything that living in Finn's World often means that mommies are simply things to be climbed up or crawled over. It's the chopped liver syndrome. We're not new or exciting, so we often get ignored for whatever happens to be the current person or item capturing his attention. It's part of our job to be a safe connection between Finn and the rest of his world, but sometimes it makes both M. and I feel a little bit...used.

Then something happens to remind both of us that we really are his world, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Last night we were at our parenting support group and Finn was his usual self. After a brief period of time to assess his environment, he was off visiting other people, playing with toys, pulling up on chairs and so on. One of the other babies started to get upset and I watched as Finn started to get upset as well, then proceeded to speed-crawl across the room to M. and ask to be picked up.

So sweet. He really does love us!

It also made me feel like we're doing our job. Our boy is independent and confident that mommies are there, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Skinny Boy

Finn has never chubbed up. We waited for it to happen but he's just a wirey, active little guy. At his six month MD visit he was 25th percentile in weight, around 17 lbs.

M. weighed him today with all his clothes on and it looks like he's somewhere around 16 and a quarter pounds. Yikes.

My nurse brains kicks in on stuff like this, ticking through all the physiological reasons he's okay. He was sick with vomiting and diarreah recently. He's been crawling for a month. He looks healthy, is energetic and engaging. He eats a ton.

There's no big reason to worry but it's still hard not to. Worry is to parenting like oxygen is to life. Does that comparison take you back to those standardized tests you had to take in grade school?

We need to take him in for his flu shot so we'll probaby check in with Dr. G. at that time.

Eight Months Today!

Bead Maze, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

For some reason Finn is stuck at six months in my head. I keep thinking to myself, "I can't believe he's six months old." I even told someone the other day that he's six months old. Maybe it's my denial that we're on the other side and closer to a year than a newborn. Toddlerhood is looming.

Our eigth month has flown. Crazy!

How is Finn?

Fab! Saying this will certainly cause a tumble into some sort of developmental nightmare, but he's actually easier now than he was even a couple months ago. He's coping so much better, with being stimulated and with being tired. He has an unending curiosity about everything around him and is incredibly observant. He just stared through everything with those big blues.

Developmental stuff...our crazy child...

• cross crawls, pulls up on EVERYTHING and does a small amount of cruising.
  
• hits his head about three or four times a day.
• eats everything we offer him and is doing very well on finger foods.
• is deeply determined to do whatever he has set his mind to and doesn't always pick the easiest route to his goal.
  
• handles crowds well, often ignoring mommies as he makes his social rounds.
  
• LOVES THE CATS. They don't love him.
  
• is starting to get his pincer grasp, as evidenced by the small piece of plastic M. yanked from his mouth the other day that he somehow got out of the nursery garbage can.
  
• kneels next to his toy box and pulls out his favorite toys one by one.
  
• says "ah", "bah", "ah-bah" and "mamamama". We don't know what all that means.

How are mommies?

I'm starting to insert him into memories of events that happened way, way before he arrived. It's the slow erosion of my ability to remember our lives before Finn.

We're so, so tired but it's all good.

The Single Life

I've never really been single. M. and I have been together since we were quite wee. Not high school but not long after, so I've basically been in a relationship 41% of my life (yes, I figured it out on the calculator, that modern computer wonder).

Now Finn is here and suddenly M. and I are facing life as singles. We are used to doing everything together and now because we have a boy to care for, it's becoming increasingly easier to have one of us go do things while the other stays home and takes care of Finn. This is especially true for any night time activity. He goes to bed between 6 pm and 7pm, and is usually very crabby starting at 5 pm. This means most parties, gatherings, casual get togethers and dinner engagements will not be something we can participate in. Unless we go solo.

Going solo sucks.

I long for those days of having dinner, then dessert and then coffee; I pine for good friends and good conversations into the wee hours; I miss meeting fabulous people at fabulous parties and hoping you'll find a way to meet again. These things are yet more things added to the ever-growing list of how our lives have been changed through parenting.

At the same time, no matter how much I miss my old life and even if I wish things were different, what we have now is incredibly precious. Tonight I was rocking our son to sleep and he was staring into my eyes and saying "I love you" which sounds a little like "ou", and I kissed his fingers and he suddenly giggled from behind his pacifier. I thought, "silly boy, you need to go to sleep," then proceeded to kiss his fingers again and again just to hear him giggle. It's those moments when I know I would go to the moon and back for this giant-eyed alien creature who has hijacked our lives.

Moral to the tale? I guess it will be the single life for a little longer, and that's okay.