Cooking

My fave pic of our handsome boy so far

I'm going to start cooking again this week.

We've been lucky that our friends have been bringing us food, which has meant we've had meals for about a month. The meals are running out and it's time to get me slaving over the stove again.

It's scarey.

The good thing is that I've discovered that we NEED to be home by 3 pm and all errands must be run between 11 and 3. This means I'll be able to make dinner when we get home.

So we do our first weekly grocery shopping with Finn today. Mac and cheese is on the menu. And brown rice. And vegetables...yummy veggies. I'm actually excited even though it's adding another layer to the routine.

AND...

Finn is four weeks today. Holy fucking shit, Batman. Four weeks.

Visiting Work & The Pacifier

me & finn breast feeding

M. and I took Finn to visit my work peeps today. It was so much fun. By the time we arrived at the hospital Finn was a hungry little boy so we sat in the break room on my floor and fed for about 45 minutes, big ol' boob hanging out and everything. I loved seeing my coworkers. Then we visited my peeps in the ICU where I used to work. We showed off the boy and everyone thought he is soooooo cute.

People were commenting that Finn looks more like M. than me. He he.

The Pacifier

Finn does not like any sort of artificial nipple. M. is such a proud mama because her boy just won't take a pacifier. He barely gums it then spits it right out. I used a nipple shield when we were having our couple days of difficulty with my inverted left nipple and he only took it once then refused to latch onto it a second time. He doesn't really like the bottle either, but he takes it. I guess milk trumps all.

The boy likes skin. Boob. Hand. Arm. Grandpa's neck. Warm, soft, skin. None of that silicone crap.

Getting Things Done

It is absolutely impossible to get things done with a baby. We start out every day with the best of intentions and they usually get flushed down the drain by 3 pm. This is why I am thrilled to report that I got the following done yesterday:

• Wipe the counters
• Help with the dishes
• Diaper wash
• Vacuum the living room
• Pay bills
• Cleaned up papers off the desk

Some people accomplish greatness. Some people accomplish world peace, brilliant discoveries, great works of literature. If I can get the house vacuumed, I feel just as much of a rock star at they are.

Goals for today: baby bath and we're contimplating attempting a movie. We'll see if we can get anything done before 3 pm.

DtD and Gas

DtD

Some have asked how DtD is doing with the arrival of Finn. So far things are good. He hasn't been by to see Finn yet, but he's seen pictures, we've talked on the phone and he's entirely appropriate. I think he and BF will try to come by this weekend. He wanted to let me get over my pneumonia before he came by.

We'll see how the IRL visit goes. Both M. and I are really excited for him to meet Finn.

Gas!

M. and I have been going to a drop in group for parents of babies zero to twelve weeks. It's the absolutely BEST thing we've done so far in getting support and learning how to become new parents. There are a lot of different age ranges, so parents get to share what has and hasn't worked for them.

What we learned this week is about gas! Yes, the exciting world of burping, farting and pooping.

Finn has been Fussy Finn for the last four nights or so. We just couldn't figure out what was going on. Well, we think it's gas. He gets grunty and starts arching his back, and just won't settle down. Since we learned how to help a baby poop and about burping, I spent a long time after his 9 pm feed last night just getting him to burp and fart. And you know what...he slept FOUR hours after that. Then around 5 am he started grunting and arching his back. M. woke up and sat him upright, and Mister had a nice big stool then settled back down.

It's really exciting to start figuring things out.

Of course then Finn decided it was awake time, so instead of getting back to bed, I'm up with little Mr. Awake. And, because I actually got FOUR hours in a row, which my body has decided is just as good as eight, or ten hours, I'm wide awake too. The bright spot? Well, his morning feed will be his bottle feed, so I can lie back down and zone.

Pictures

Who is this mechanical baby character?

We officially started Finn on the bottle today. It went really, really well.

I pumped out some milk last night...only got one ounce...then again this morning and got another 3.5. We had some frozen left over from when I was (moderately) engorged so M. used that this morning for the feed. Finn wasn't 100% excited about the bottle, but he latched onto it and took in THREE OUNCES. Whoo hooooooot!

It's funny because M. and I were pretty chill about the whole introducing a bottle experience. We just figured we'd introduce it, he'd take it and that would be that. Then we went to our new moms drop-in group and found out that it's not always as easy as we seem to have it, and that getting him to take three ounces is VERY UNUSUAL.

Lucky for us, our little guy is a big time sucker...meaning that he'll try to latch onto pretty much anything, including my dad and M.'s hand. It's really funny because he consistently manages to new-born crawl himself to the exact right position on M.'s boob and proceed to attempt to latch through her shirt. He's 100% a boob boy.

I pumped this morning instead of his usual feed and Finn sat in the vibro-chair, staring over at the mechanical baby that was draining my breasts with some suspicion. He doesn't like anything that gets in the way of the milk.

Oh, and he's gained almost a pound in a week. Our little boy is rapidly becoming not so little.

The Pitfalls of Two-momhood

Firstly, all wonderful thoughts are going out to Mermaid Grrrl, who is having a c-section tomorrow. M. and I are so excited to meet her little Taurus-pig baby. Yay!

Onto early morning, sleep deprived thoughts...

Being a same-sex female couple brings a whole new element to raising a child.

First, Finn has two moms. Good, right? Except he has two trending toward neurotic women who obsess over every little thing he does.

Then there's breast feeding. Although non-birth mothers can lactate, it's a lot of work and M. and I have chosen not to go down that path. That means that Finn spends a lot of time attached to my boob. Good, right? Yeah, it's good, but it's also challenging at the same time. It can take me a couple hours from the time I get up before I can get the boy off the boob and get some breakfast. Then I get ten or twenty minutes and he's wanting to feed again. Most of my time is spent feeding, feeding, feeding. This means M. has to wait around to spend time with our boy. This inequality sucks, especially when we've worked to hard to make things equal between us.

It's strange because we have a fourteen year long relationship and with the arrival of our sweet baby, things are changing. Luckily what isn't changing is our ability to talk to each other, to work through issues, to find compromise and a way through things. And the love between us never wavers.

It's hard, folks. I'll probably be called whiney again, and a train wreck, but it's hard. It's good, it's fun, it's worth it...and it's hard. I can see why so many people end up being dissatified with their relationship a year after bringing a child into the mix.

More Finn Photos

A yawn!

Finn and M.!

Finn mistaking M.'s thumb for a boob.

Finn and Sacha's brother...
Who is this Hermano character?

Baby Clothes

We bought very few infant outfits for Finn prior to his birth because a) we thought we'd get tiny, cute baby clothes for our showers and b) we didn't know how big the boy would be and didn't want a bunch of tiny clothes that he wouldn't even fit.

Fast forward.

He's certainly not a big boy. As a matter of fact, he's rather scrawny. And because of our careful planning, we have lots of really cute outfits that are waaaaay too big for him. We have a lot of newborn onesies, but the weather keeps us from using them exclusively...just a bit too cold. And we have one pair of tiny baby pants...his green ones. This means he's wearing the same three stretchies over and over again until he gets bigger.

I'm really tired of the same three stretchies.

Which is why when we went to Gymboree a few days ago I insisted on buying the above pair of overalls. Then yesterday we bought him a really cute pair of L'oved Baby tiny blue pants (I love their cotton basics and especially the HATS!!). I just want our boy to have some style, yo!

M. has declared the overalls to be the bane of her existance and is from now on refusing to do any diaper changes if he's wearing them.

Job Interview

M. had a job interview yesterday and she's somewhat interested in the position. We'll see if she gets the job or not.

The fun part was that Finn and I went with her and hung out in the International District while she was at her interview. I used our very hip ring sling and Finn was happy and snug the entire time.

We had lunch and bubble tea and hung at Uwajimaya. Me and the boy. I admit that I'm loving getting out with our baby.

Then all three of us went to Birth and Beyond and Babies-r-Us and picked up various odds and ends that we could use, including a Hooter Hider to help me nurse in public and spare parts for the breast pump that we've already found quite easy to drop down the garbage disposal.

Finn Photos

Finn Feet

Two Weeks Old!

Walking, walking, walking...

Finn gave me a little over THREE hours tonight and doesn't appear to want to cluster feed until sunrise. Thank you, little boy.

M. and I have been out walking the last couple days. Not even the down-the-block post-c-section walks, but nice, long walk to the post office and our neighborhood store. The problem is we're taking our walk during the couple hours that Finn finally stops feeding and sacks out, then he's ready to eat by the time we get back and I end up not getting a nap during the day.

It feels really good to get out and walk. I was in so much pain at the end of pregnancy that moving was difficult, even though we were getting out regularly. Now I can move with very little pain and my stamina is greatly improved. It feels really good. It feels human again.

In the meantime, Finn has some funny new habits:

• Boob head butting. When he's hungry he arches his back, pushes with is legs and raises his head up really high, then crashes it into M.'s or my chest over and over. Poor little guy hasn't figured out that my boobs and M's boobs are slightly different.
• The teradactyl. Babies are supposed to coo and babble. Finn seems to like to make high pitched moans and grunts. We've started calling him The Teradactyl, because that's what he sounds like. It's really funny.
  
• Wild Man. Finn has started to latch onto all kinds of weird places, like M.'s arm. And he gets this WILD look in his eyes and shakes his head rapidly as he latches. He was giving her a baby hickey last night and M. and I couldn't stop laughing.
  

Okay, time to get the boy back on the boob and see if we can settle him for a few more hours.

Finn, The Milk Monster!

I've been a bit M.I.A. because Finn has decided it's time to GROW. It's crazy. He's become the craaaaazy milk monster, feeding constantly through the night until the afternoon when mommy finally, finally gets a little break. Breast feeding is a beautiful thing, but I'm tired of being The Boob.

We're going to introduce a bottle starting Monday. Then M. can take a night feeding. Whew!

Two week check up yesterday and he's back to his birth weight and one and a quarter inches longer. Big boy! He had his Hep B vaccine and did so well with it.

We're taking our stroller out for the first time. Of course, it looks like it's going to rain, but we have a rain shield. Take that, mother nature. Will post pics later.

Happy Tax Day

Thanks to Hope, Megan & Quinn!

Who Has a Big Boy Diaper?

We have a baby that does not fuss with a messy diaper. He fusses for food. He fusses for comfort. He would sit in a messy diaper all day. Which is why before every feed we change him. And it never fails that immediately after being fed, he will poop again. We've come to dread That Sound...I'm sure some of you know That Sound. We went through all his newborn diaps yesterday due to a couple impromptu poops and Finn got to wear the infant size overnight. This resulted in a new song for Finn involving the phrase "Who has a big boy diaper? Finn has a big boy diaper!".

Yes, we're a little crazy from lack of sleep. Or perhaps the craziness was always there and has simply been potentiated by the circumstances.

This am Finn decided it was time to eat and proceeded to do the head-butt/newborn crawl across M.'s chest. She thought he might be getting his hopes a little high. His feeds are starting to even out...up at 1 am, up at 5 am and that's it for the night. Thank goodness for Tivo!

Right now The Finn Man has decided that morning is Awake Time, right when mommy has decided morning is Get-Back-to-Bed Time.

We need to work on our timing.

First Bath

Finn has had his very first bath. It took us a few days to actually work up to it, and it went mostly smoothly. He and M. (mama) took the bath together. We wrapped Finn in a receiving blanket then put him in the water to make sure he stayed warm.

He smelled baby-sweet when we were all done.

The transfer from tub to dryer-warmed towel was traumatic.

Here he is, all clean...

I then proceeded to drop a Nilla wafer on his head. Turned our beautiful boy into a little crumb-ey baby.

But the Nilla wafer was good...mmmmm.

The Good Stuff...

Baby Burrito...mmm..mmmm...tasty!

M. says I have to post about the good stuff. Okay, here goes...

Finn's jaundice is much, much better. He's got a little left in his eyes and face but most of his body is warm, dry, pink and still fuzzy. His stool is finally transitioning to a breast milk stool and I think that will give the skin on his bum a little break. He was looking at us today all cross eyed until M. and I laughed, then he proceeded to sneeze. He was working up to it.

I'm learning all about the noises of my neighborhood throughout the night. I'm also learning that the birds come out at about 5 am. And Finn gave us three whole hours of sleep tonight and cluster fed earlier in the evening.

Finn loves his vibro-chair. It settles him nicely. M. was horrified when I suggested putting our muy expensive and fancy vibrator to good use. It has a lot of different settings...he might like it.

I'm doing okay about the c-section. No more panic attacks about not breathing. I'm going to look for a c-secton support group because I've had this urge to reach out and talk to other women who have gone through c-sections. My incision is healing well. I'm only using tylenol for pain.

Of all the nice things in the world, H&L, a couple we met in our birthing class, brought us FOOD today. What makes it extra special is that they are a week post date. Their little boy was due the same day as Finn. We're looking forward to GOOD dinner and returning the favor.

On Wednesday I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for finally being a parent. It was a truly good feeling.

And that's the good stuff. Yay!

Pics for Finn's BFF

Special request for Edie!

Finn in his coming home outfit, which was cute but WAY too big. He's our jaundiced little spray tan baby.

Finn and Grandma Ryan

Finn and M. using the Moby wrap. We HEART the Moby. Moby and big boobs...strange combinaton.

Dear Anonymous...

Oh, how I love anonymous slams.

It was funny because M. protested that how would Anonymous know we are BOTH whiny. After all, I write the blog so how would someone know if SHE is whiny? Then she whined that Finn spit up all over her.

Anyway, let me restate my goal with this blog. It's to tell it like it is. That means if things are rough, I talk about it. If things are good, I talk about it. If things are boring...well, I talk about it. TTC was rough. Pregnancy was rough. Having a new baby is rough. It's good to talk about the good and the bad. So if that makes me whiny, I guess I'll whine away.

No matter how much one wants a baby, there's no way to prepare for the shock of adjusting to life with an infant. Top that off with a huge hormonal crash. And major abdominal surgery. And being hopped up on pain meds. And serious sleep deprivation.

If you expect me to present all that like it's some kind of rosy, bliss-filled existance, get off your high horse and read a different blog.

Treating new moms like they are simply whining when they are facing significant challenges furthers the isolation that leads to post partum depression and psychosis. It's a dangerous, judgemental and hurtful attitude. It prevents people from getting help when they truly need it.

I hope anyone having a hard time who is reading this knows that they aren't alone.

And the wonderful thing about existing in this world without a diagnosed mental illness is that things DO get better. They are already better around here.

The Circumcision Decision

Finn's First Outing - to the store - we needed to see people and buy ice cream!

M. and I are not circumcizing Finn. We decided this a long time ago, quite a bit before we even knew we were having a boy.

I'm sitting in bed, one day post-op, and my phone rings. It's my mother who asks me...

"What are your thoughts on circumcision?"

I tell her that our little boy will have an intact penis. She then asks me to reconsider. I explained to her very nicely that we've thought through the issue, done our research and if Finn would like to make the decision to be circumcized in the future, we are 100% supportive of whatever he would like to do.

End of conversation? Uh, no. She called me three more times that day to discuss it. My dad called me as well. ONE DAY POST-OP. I had to listen to how:

• Circumcized men are cleaner - what about when he's old and feeble?
  
• He'll be laughed at in the shower
• Babies don't feel pain so we should do it now instead of later
• Don't we want to make the most conservative decision?

I responded:

• It's a cosmetic procedure
• Yes, circumcision can reduce the rate of HIV transmission. Yes, the WHO is recommending it...in Africa. None of this will not reduce Finn's responsibility to practice safe-sex nor our responsibility to teach him.
• Babies DO feel pain.

The only thing I'm grateful for is that they didn't decided to harp on the issue from the moment we found out we were having a boy. I still can't believe she called me one day post-op and harassed me about Finn's penis.

I've decided that in the future when Finn will surely whine about how unfair his moms are, I will simply remind him who he owes his intact penis to. That should end the conversation.

The First Rule of Breast Feeding

Finn Sleeping Jaundice off in the Sunshine

One prescription of Zoloft and a diagnosis of pneumonia later, I'm feeling like I'm starting to emerge from The Baby Blues. Only one instance of giant crocodile tears today.

Yesterday was brutal.

Finn is a very content little boy. He sleeps a lot. He feeds when he wants to. He's still a little jaundiced. He doesn't meet the minimum eight feedings per day criteria. I've been calling the lactation consultants A LOT to get help with breast feeding and they told me that I MUST make SURE his is feeding that 8-10 times. This is despite the fact that he's hydrated, peeing like crazy and is a little poop monster.

So we spent all day yesterday waking him up every 2-3 hours and trying to feed him. He wasn't interested, refused, wouldn't latch. I pumped, got my nipples out, used hot compresses. NOTHING. He was sleepy all day, he didn't really open his eyes... Around dinner time I lost it. I couldn't take a night of waking him, pumping, trying to latch, pumping, trying to keep him awake....

I called the on-call d0c. I called Dr. G. I was feeling angry at Finn and resentful that we had responsibilities way beyond the cats. I was scared about hurting him. I needed help.

We've decided to stop scheduling and force feeding our baby. He can feed on demand as long as we don't go over five hours. And, amazingly enough, HE'S LATCHING just fine, because he actually wants to. It's 100% better.

The first rule of breast feeding is that there are no rules to breast feeding.

The F*cking Baby Blues

We're off the junk...Finn's First Cloth Diaper

No one talks about the freight train that hits you after you have a baby. One day you were a blissful pregnant person. Maybe you didn't even know how blissful you were. Then suddenly life is upside down, you're extremely sleep deprived and can't tell what is up and what is down.

That was me last night. Our post partum doula arrived and the plan was for M. and I to get four hours of sleep and she would bring Finn to me just to nurse. Great plan. Except...every time I started to fall asleep I would suddenly feel like I was back on the operating table and I couldn't breathe.

Our traumatic birth isn't helping me cope.

I spent three hours lying there, not sleeping, until I got up and started trying to figure out how to get some help. I ended up sobbing to our clinic's on-call nurse and doctor until I started to feel a little more sane. I had to wake M. up and have her sit with me and tell me I was safe until I fell asleep.

Baby blues is way too cute of a term for this hell I've been dropped into.

In the meantime, Finn has decided to go from GLORIOUS latch to not so great and he didn't get his feedings in today. That means I get to spend the night catching him up and nursing every 2 hours. And Finn is being Fussy Finn. We may get some rest tomorrow. I'm not doing very well with the sleep when the baby sleeps concept.

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

My milk is in! And I've had the joy of my first leakage all over my gown.

Too bad we haven't completely converted Finn to sleeping all night and waking for only one feeding quite yet. Ha ha. HA! M. and I are heading into another night of barely sleeping and feeding constantly.

I know for the peeps who have been through this before, I'm stating the obvious, but MAN, this is HARD. We have to take it hour by hour, day by day, week by week and look forward to the time it will become a month by month situation.

But I can't describe the joy that is Finn. I can't remember what was there before him. Someday I will. Someday I'll remember what we gave up to have him, even if just briefly. Not right now.

We're Home!

Whew, made it home. You can't believe how much work it took. Finn has started cluster feeding so it took us a couple hours to settle him before the car ride home. Right now he's on the kitchen floor in his car seat and the kitties are checking him out.

I hurt all over and am on pain meds, so hopefully some of this will make sense. We'll post a full birth story in a couple weeks. In the meantime, here's the short-ish version...

Everyone knows that it was deeply important to M. and I to have an unmedicated birth. What we ended up with was exactly the opposite. I don't want to say that's okay without explaining that we're okay with the outcome not JUST because the outcome was a baby.

Ironically we ended up with the labor we wanted.

Intervention #1 Induction

As previously posted, my water broke. We pushed at the standard approach to EROM and were allowed to go 15 hours before we started the induction. When we returned to triage we were admitted immediately and started on misoprostol. We ended up with three doses of miso and in active labor.

Intervention #2 Epidural & Pitocin

I made it to 5 centimeters before we decided to go ahead and have an epidural & Pitocin. We made that decision based on two things: I had progressed nicely from 0 cm to 4 cm but it took 4 hours to go from 4 to 5 and I was having back labor. If I was sitting on the bed my contractions would be about 6 minutes apart. If I got up I would contract constantly. At one point I got off the toilet and literally couldn't move because I was contracting so hard. I was that way for 30 minutes.

I really could handle the contractions and know I could have delivered vaginally, but the back labor was wearing me out, I was getting afraid to stand up because it would bring them on and I was getting exhausted. Dr. G. called and said my progress wasn't looking good and she wanted to talk epidural and pit. She thought it would help me relax and dilate. I asked for 15 minutes, per my birth plan, discussed it with my support team, and decided to do it. It was a very hard decision, but there were almost no easy ones during our labor.

When I write the entire story, I'll talk more about the epidural. One thing I'm very happy about is that I never went on pit without the epidural. That was a very good decision.

Intervention #3 Vacuum Extraction

I dilated to 10 cm with the epidural and pitocin and we started pushing at 5:15 am. Once again, more details in a longer story, but I pushed a total of 4 hours and 15 minutes. Dr. G. discussed getting a OB consult for a vacuum extraction and we said okay. We had talked about vacuum extraction prior to labor and I'd decided ahead of time it was an acceptable intervention since it could prevent a c-section.

They pulled five times with the vacuum and Finn still didn't come out. He did make it to station 2 or 3.

Intervention #4 C-Section

I'm not particularly dumb and I knew when Dr. G. started talking vacuum extraction that it was the last stop before a c-section. When she said she wanted the OB consult for the vacuum, I added in "...and a c-section". She said "yes".

When they did that fifth pull with the vacuum and it popped off our little boy's head, I knew that was the end of my vaginal delivery. They started prepping me for the OR.

The anesthesiologist stopped by and told me I could only have one person in the room. I told him that I wanted M. and our doula, that M. needed support to get through what would happen next and there was no compromise on my demand. He did agree but I'd already decided that if he didn't, I would refuse to have the c-section and Finn could sit in my birth canal.

The c-section was hard. I didn't see anything until they took him to the warming table. I was shaking HARD, hands hitting the arm boards, as they cut through the layers of my abdomen and crying.

Finn Alexander came out at 10:53 and I can't describe the feeling of hearing him cry and knowing we made THAT. His apgars were 8 and 9.

Final Thoughts

In the end a c-section was medically necessary. Finn was sunny-side up and cocked toward my left hip. Because of EROM he couldn't be turned and my contractions were hard. A vaginal birth wasn't in the cards for our boy.

I love Finn's birth. It wasn't beautiful. Well, finally having him here was beautiful, but the labor wasn't. It was brutal. It was long. It pushed M. and myself to our limits. It wasn't a means to an end but an experience. I gave every single cell in my body and every single part of my soul to bring our baby boy into this world, and that's all I ever wanted to do.

And right now, thank GOD, he's sleeping and The Boob isn't need AGAIN. I'll be really happy when my milk comes in.

Blessing to all.

Finn Alexander is Here!

M. here posting on Sacha's account just to confuse you.

I haven't yet had time to read any of your many, many comments posted since Saturday, but wanted to update you all....

Our beautiful Finn Alexander arrived Monday at 10:53 AM after a long hard labor ending in a c-section. We worked very hard to bring him here and Sacha was a total rock star. We're so in love with our son.

Here are his stats:
Birthdate: April 2, 2007
Weight: 7.8 oz
Length 19.25 in

No time to post details or pics yet. I'm just home tonight so I can sleep through the night since I have to go to a stupid mandatory unemployment thing first thing in the morning in order to not lose my benefits - UGH. Then it's back to the hospital to get packed up and discharged later in the afternoon followed by Finn's first car ride home.

Birth story and pics to follow as soon as we can as we know many of you are anxious for the dirt.

Parting words? Serious post baby sleep deprivation REALLY sucks. I mean really. I can't tell you how much work it was to compose this post right now.