The Breast Beast

We bought our breast pump today. Wanted to take advantage of the Babies 'r' Us 15% coupon for Avent products. Yikes. That mutha is HEAVY. I can't believe I'm going to have to haul it back and forth to work and remember the damn gel packs.

LB liked it. He kicked. I told him that he has no idea the wonders in store for him. That's assuming that my breasts are even partially all that and a bag of chips.

My favorite part was the porny boobs on the side of the box that showed a woman pumping. I wish I could find a pic of them online.

We also got a Babies 'r' Us free sunshade, which I really didn't want. I strongly hinted to M. that perhaps we should turn down the sunshade when the checker girl piped up and said:

Hey, it's free!

I looked at her and explained that it was not free if I am forced to advertise for her company. M. then proceeded to rush me quickly out of the store.

Anyway, our shower is this Sunday and we're going to wait to break into the Breast Beast until after JUST IN CASE someone gives us a horridly expensive breast pump as a gift. Probably not.

I'm still doing a terrible job with my bedrest, considering that we were at Ikea all day getting odds and ends for the nursery, etc....

More Adoption!

DtD has signed the paperwork. We just signed ours. M. is on her way to becoming LB's legal parent. I knew he'd sign but it's really nice to have it done.

Yay!

We have our social worker picked out and will take a check to Lawyer Lisa tomorrow for the court fee. We'll probably meet with the social worker a few weeks after the birth and then I think we just wait for a court date.

Now we just have to get through the 48 hours after the birth.

Thank You Hope, Megan and Quinn!

We came home to a very nice package yesterday. A big THANK YOU from all three of us, including the little frog who might share a birthday with Quinn.

Watch out for Breeder Lesbians or How to Abuse Partial Bedrest

M. and I have been busy, busy, busy. So busy that we're not sure how either of us ever managed to actually work.

Today we took LB to his very first polical rally. It was lobby day for marriage equality in Olympia, and we decided we needed to use my growing belly for good, not evil. The infantesible power of breeder lesbians!

Is infantesible even a word?

There were protesters from The Other Side at the rally yelling bible passages through their bullhorn and declaring that we shall certainly go to hell. It made me sad that LB was exposed to that kind of nastiness any sooner than he has to be. We met with our reps, told them our story, thanked them for supporting queer folk. It was fun.

We took a picture to show him his very first political event.

Yes, we want a baby, to be a family, to have something outside of our selves to focus on. We also want to exploit him for the cause. Just a tiny little bit.

Nesting

M.'s dream has come true.

I seem to finally be nesting. How do I know? It was the moment I was taking a toothbrush to the crevices by the sink, hating every single moment of it but I just couldn't stop. I need to clean out the fridge and I'm truly dreading it. It's a mess and I know I'm not going to be able to stop once I start.

Ugh.

The urge seems to kick in around 5 pm every day.Except for the floor, our kitchen is pretty much cleaned up, which means...PICTURES. Hopefully tomorrow.

Home Alone and Making Trouble

Have I mentioned that I'm a bit subversive? It manifests in secret, nasty little plans. Now combine naturally subversive with home alone...

Yesterday I decided to get pissed about the discrimination I face through my health insurance. You see, WA state, who I am employed through, offers same sex partner benefits. Isn't that nice of them. I cover M. under my insurance and I'm very grateful for that opportunity.

Except that it comes at a price.

The federal government will allow your employer not to pay taxes on the money they spend to cover your spouse, but they tax the money spent to cover non-married partners and my employer (the state) passes that cost onto me. They add the cost of their portion of covering M. to my income and I get to pay the taxes. To keep me from getting hit at tax time they take out a large chunk of money out of my paycheck quarterly.

How much does that cost? Oh, a mere $500-600 per quarter. Not a small amount in comparison to how much I get in take-home pay.

Cost of Insuring Legally Married Spouse: $696/year

Cost of Insuring Unrecognized Legally Married Same-sex Spouse: $2696/year (before my tax refund, but I promise I'm not getting $2000 back from the feds)

The federal government is benefiting from systemic discrimination through unfair taxation.

I called a local legal NPO and left a message.

If WA state's supreme court is going to refuse to recognize my legal marriage and force me to live as a legal stranger to M., I think the state should make every effort to make things as equal as possible. Ending this penalty would be a step. They need to absorb the cost of the unfair taxation instead of forcing same-sex couples to take on the burden.

Grrr.

Painting Part III: The Nursery

After speaking a complete moron*, who I'm pretty sure are located in a call center in India, about defering M.'s student loans, I need a happier note.

Presenting the Nursery

We really LOVE it. It's bright and cheery but still peaceful.

This room is 100% cobbled together. No Pottery Barn Kids furniture sets for us.

The dresser is mine from when I was a wee one.

The chair is off Craigslist, as well is the changing table. We found baskets for the changing table at Cost Plus and they are perfect.

The rug is...IKEA! We searched high and low for a decently priced rug and were almost starting to think they don't exist, then we thought outside the kids rug box and found this beauty.

The lamp and bookcase are our floor model finds!

I LOVE IT.

It was kind of scary putting this together. Neither of us knew how all these random things would work out.

The only thing missing is the crib, which I hope will be dropped off in the next couple weeks. And with M. home we'll have time to complete the chair pad and bed skirt.

More photos on Flickr!

I will torture the world with more pictures when we're finally done.

*note that I use the term moron fulling understanding that the gentleman on the phone is simply doing a job. It is not his fault that he has ZERO understanding of how the U.S. system works. It's not his fault that his english is heavily accented and made me want to scream. It's also not his fault that Sallie Mae is so focused on the bottom line that they are willing to offer substandard customer services and take away jobs that could go to single mothers in New Jersey.

Sudden Change in Plans

M. has been laid off.

At first I just couldn't breathe when she told me. After all, we're going to be having a fucking BABY and her org decides to lay her off. It's terrible.

Then again it's not so terrible.

She has vacation time. She's negotiating getting some sort of severence package. She'll apply for unemployment. We have a smidge in savings. We'll defer her student loans. We'll put our gym membership on hold. Acupuncture can go on sliding scale. She'll be home with our boy for a while, which is the best part. And we can spend lots of time together and be able to enjoy our last month and a half together.

In a strange way, we've been given the gift of time. It may mean that we have to put LB in daycare when we'd planned to just juggle our schedules, but that remains to be seen. M. is going to look into doing some consulting and working from home. She's very good at what she does so I know she'll find a job. The biggest threat is she may end up making less money or having to work more hours.

I just have to let my worries go. Sometimes I have to remember to take a deep breath and remember that little happens without reason.

Baby Clothing Tragedy Strikes

M. and I purchased LB's coming home outfit a couple weeks ago. It's this adorable French stretchie, light blue velour with a bunny on the front in teal and turquoise (because he'll be born right around Easter). We've been looking at it, imagining how cute he'll be in it. I knit a hat that matches the bunny. I mean, it's CUTE.

Then we washed it.

I knew it was THAT outfit just from M.'s tone of voice. Why not some other outfit? Why couldn't the airplanes on the fuzzy jumper unravel? Why couldn't the seams on the fine whale corduroy overalls twist. Why did it HAVE TO BE THAT ONE?

The bunny almost completely disappeared in the wash.

Yes, we followed the directions. It's gone, a mere ghost of itself. We can't bring him home in a faded little outfit. And the hat won't work because it matched the BUNNY.

We're returning it and we're back to square one on the coming home outfit. The only consolation is that it didn't cost us much money...on sale, baby...more than the $5 rule, but not a lot. After all, it was his coming home outfit.

How to Get a CPS File in One Easy Step

CPS (Child Protective Services) - you know, the people who investigate abuse and remove children from crack houses and other ugly horrible situations. M. and I found out that it's actually quite easy to get on their radar here in WA State.

Refuse the antibiotic eye ointment for your baby.

During our appointment with Dr. G. on Friday I asked her about refusing the antibiotic eye ointment. After all, I don't have gonorrhea or chlamydia, my sexual history is quite vanilla, so why should our boy have to suffer through blurry vision unless it's necessary?

No problem, Dr. G. replied, but just so you know, refusing will cause the state to open up a file on you with CPS, which isn't a big deal...except...except...

...if you are trying to do an adoption.

WTF????

What are we going to do? Well, we're going to do the ointment because we're lesbian parents and already feel the scrutiny of society breathing down our necks, AND when M. births our second child, I'll adopt him/her and having a CPS record might be a little bit of a problem.

Thanks WA State.

It's the Amazing Pregnant Sleeper!

Many people can start having trouble sleeping when they get pregnant. It starts as hormonal then eventually you just get freakin' big.

Not me.

I used to have night terrors and bad dreams on a regular basis, waking up yelling, thinking I was dying, terrified of something. All of that stopped when I go pregnant and all of the sudden I was sleeping like a rock. Nice.

Things are getting more uncomfortable now. I'm getting really sore from sleeping on my side. My arms fall asleep, my fingers swell from lying in wrong positions. My mobility is reduced and its hard to turn over, hard to get out of bed. But I can usually sleep from bedtime to 2 am (get up and pee) then from 2 am to 7 am or later.

Take THAT, pregnancy.

I am the AMAZING pregnant sleeper. I also have seven weeks or more to go so I'm going to enjoy sleeping right now.

It's Official - Partial Bedrest

I had my appointment with Dr. G. today. She asked how work was going and I responded that I needed to stop. I'm officially on partial bedrest.

Both M. and I are relieved. As we're getting closer and closer to the end the worry is mounting over whether my BP. And it's actually starting to climb - not to a worrisome level, but working twelve hour shifts in a very stressful environment is not going to help.

So I'm off to lie on my ass for four hours. Four hours in the morning, four hours at night. I predict I'll start going crazy shortly but it's going to keep little boy in, and that's the most important thing.

MTHFR and Other Medical Mysteries

No, it's not an abbreviation for motherfucker.

It's the gene mutation they FINALLY diagnosed me with to explain the clotting disorders in my family. Yes, I am no longer a medical mystery to be treated with the utmost care. I actually have a problem. Yay!

I have two genetic mutations but each mutation is heterozygous (one variant instead of two variants.) Trust me, trying to understand this is making just a little crazy. Because the mutations are heterozygous, they are putting me on prophylactic low dose aspirin daily. The plan is still to do prophylactic anticoagulation after the birth.

I never thought I'd say this, but THANK YOU Baby Factory Perinatalogist for running that test.

My blood pressure is doing really well. I've been sitting higher (systolic in the 130s) but my cardiac output is right where it should be. I've had my last appointment with the hypertension clinic at BHOI with their blood pressure Magical Mystery Machine. If I spike after 35 weeks they will induce me and get little boy out early instead of trying to further control my pressures with meds.

I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'VE MADE IT THIS FAR!

The Magical Mystery Machine nurses basically said I'm out of the woods. I know I'm not 100% clear of my pressures spiking. That will happen when LB crowns. But our chances of going to term are looking very good.

Remember, BHOI wanted to induce me at 39 weeks, no matter what.

And more good news. I'm doing so well that they will NOT put me on atenolol after the birth. I may get away with a couple doses of Lasix and then nothing, or, at most, a calcium channel blocker. Both are better options for breastfeeding.

Okay, done with all the med-speak. The short of it - it's ALL GOOD.

Welcome Riley Elizabeth

Stacey and Angele have a beautiful daughter...and a birth story as well. Welcome to the little girl born on Valentine's day.

Last Day

Well, I think today is my last day of work. Not by choice. I really wanted to work up until 38 weeks. I was considering maybe stopping at 37.

I've had enough.

I am in so much pain that I can barely walk. The weight I've gained combined with the swelling that I get when I work are making my bad ankle unbearable. I used to have bad days here and there. Now I'm pretty much incapacitated.

I can't do my job like this. In the least I have to be able to move, to see my patients, and I just can't with this much pain. I'm not a bad nurse but I can't be a good one if I'm this disabled. It's a disservice to my coworkers and to my patients to try to keep going. It's very VERY important to me to work hard and do a good job, which makes this an extremely difficult decision.

I called my parents in tears and asked for financial help. It's the only way we can do it. And I really hate it because I wanted to do this without help, but to do that I NEED to work up until 38 weeks and I can't. They said not to worry about it and they'll help.

I'm calling in sick tomorrow and when we see Dr. G. on Friday I'm going to get her to write me a note stating I can't work. I talked to my manager and told them I need to leave earlier than expected. I can probably get some light duty but I think today is my last day as a floor nurse for a while.

Pregnancy Fears

The painter is starting on the kitchen today and that means we'll have to unplug our computer, and since I'm heading back to work, babycakes probably won't be updated for a few days.

Pregnancy Fears

I think pregnancy can be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences ever. It's also wonderful and amazing, but when you're housing this little life who is so dependent on you, the sense of responsibility can be overwhelming.

Little boy isn't kicking as strongly.

Last week he was crazy kicking boy, bumping all around my belly. Then Friday rolled around and he had a quiet day. Then another quiet day. And another.

I freaked out.

It wasn't like he wasn't moving. He moves all the time. He meets his kick counts every night, usually in about twenty minutes. He kicks me when I lay on my left side. I can wake him up with juice pretty much any time. His movements were just not nearly as strong.

I hate being scared. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Especially being scared about our boy.

I called the on-call MD at our doctor's office, and it turned out Dr. G. was on call that night. She said the ultrasound was good, the cord pressure is good, there are no placenta issues and he's still moving. Bottom line, LB has probably run out of room and it's changed the way I feel his movements. But we go in for a NST today as part of my blood pressure check and I'll be happy to get some feedback on how he's doing.

When I get scared I want to run away from all of this. I wish it wasn't my body that little boy is depending on, that it wasn't mine that might fail. Sometimes I really hate being pregnant just because I want someone else to be responsible for him being okay. Sometimes I feel really, really alone, which is when I have to stop, analyze, and tell myself that there are more chances of things being okay than not.

I'm excited to meet him. I'll also be glad when this is all over.

Painting Part II: The Living Room

It took us EIGHT hours of work today but our dining room is mostly back in order. M. is currently starting on our burp clothes at the dining room table.

Do we like this color. We LOVE it. The after picture features the new bookcase we bought to replace the crappola Ikea one we used to have. Beautiful.

Also, a new pics of the bathroom. I love M.'s pjs in the picture. They are a perfect match. I hate that awful apartment light fixture. Someday it will GO.

I'm putting everything up on Flickr so you can see the transition from white to bright!

Adoption!

The adoption process has been started.

We sent Lawyer Lisa a check in January and a few days ago she sent us an e-mail that she was sending the paperwork to DtD. I then called the boy and gave him a heads-up because I would rather him hear details from us than have papers show up in the mail with no warning. Ever since we surprised him with the six month clause in the contract and the resulting negative reaction, I've been dedicated to make sure he learns about things from us when it comes to Project Baby. It's much, much better that way.

He'll sign the paperwork now and then he'll have 48 hours after the birth to reconsider.

On our end, we have to hire a social worker for a home visit and then wait for our court date. My understanding is that the court date can take two or three months, but I'm sincerely hoping that by jumping on all this now and filing right when little boy is born, we can make this move as fast as possible. I want it all done!

Truthfully, I'm the most nervous about this as I've been during the entire time. This is IT, the moment when DtD could change his mind and plunge our lives into hell. My gut trusts him but my mind doesn't like how real the possibility has become. I deal so much better with the theoretical. I will be very happy when we hit that 48 hours after LB's arrival.

M. will be his legal parent before I get off maternity leave. I'm so happy. If I weren't getting hugely pregnant, I might jump around and squeal.

We just bought his coming home outfit (will post picture when we have a free surface in the house, which will be today). We'll have to buy an adoption day outfit as well. So fantastic.

House Painting Part I: The Bathroom

A disclaimer to start with. M. and I are not the world's best housekeepers. We're creative, we both work for the good of our community, we have a lot of passion. Our house is comfortable, on the cluttered side and mostly clean most of the time. End of disclaimer.

The walls have color!

I'll start with the bathroom because, so far, it's our favorite room. Pls note that the shower curtain on the before pic is our old nasty one we put up while the painting was being done so we wouldn't ruin our new one.

We have the nursery, our bedroom and the kitchen left. Yay!

Belly Shot 32 Weeks: Special Gold Wall Edition

I'm starting to understand the anxiety at The End. Just as my body is becoming less and less mine, I'm starting to see the time when I'll get it back. And we have eight more weeks to go.

New developments? Little boy is getting so strong. Sometimes I tell him that as much as mama LOVES to feel him kick around in her belly, I'm also getting over stimulated. Then when he has a quiet day, I miss him. Silly me. I'm finally getting reflux from my stomach being squished down to nothinginess. Some days are better than others. I'm still sleeping about four to five hours straight before I have to get up and pee. BP is in good control.

And this is the Gold Wall edition of Belly Shots. Because our new paint color is finally up on the walls and M. and I are absolutely beside ourselves with joy. Look at the gold...isn't it purty? Wait till you see our amazingly beautiful bathroom.

Queens of Bargain Hunting

M. and I love a bargain. This is where the $5 rule on little boy clothes comes from. This why we buy most of our furniture at the scratch and dent. When we needed a new table last Thanksgiving we could not find the table we wanted at the price we wanted until we walked into the scratch and dent and there it was...solid maple, two leaves, seats ten...$500...two small imperfections...orginally $1500. A bargain.

We've been working on getting together stuff for little boy's room and have most of it but needed a bookcase and a lamp.

We were at Land of Nothing-we-can-Afford during my last break salivating over all the cute things when M. spotted this sweet little blue bookcase. We looked at it further. On sale. FLOOR MODEL. We sat and stared at it for a while because it would be the most expensive piece we purchased for LB's room so far. We decided to go for it.

Then we go to Pottery Barn Kids. We find a lamp shade ON SALE but decided we want to go back and look at Land of Nod for a base because I like their stuff a lot better and it might match the bookcase. We couldn't find anything at Land of Nod but are tired and have an appointment so it's time to go home.

The next day....

It's going to be the Pottery Barn Kids lamp base after all so I go back to buy one. At full price. Or so I thought. I walked in the store and there's the exact base we want sitting on the sale table. 20% OFF! Turns out they marked down one of the floor models overnight. Score!

We're the queens of the bargain. It's crazy and fun!

Something I'd Seriously Pay Money For

Some of you will think this is sick. Maybe it is.

...to have been in the emergency room when they brought in Anna Nicole Smith. Seriously. Intubated in the field. Coded. Freakin' Anna Nicole Smith. That would have been a truly holy shit moment.

I feel a little weird being shocked by her death. I'm not surprised by it but feel this strange sense of loss. Maybe it's just losing the freak show aspect of her life.

I'm guessing drugs, but we'll see.

That little girl she left behind is one rich baby. Sad.

Dr. Grandpa: The Final Chapter

I may or not may have mentioned that we ended up getting a bill for the entire Dr. Grandpa debacle. Dr. Granpa is a full-package deal. We got to cry, to have our decisions questioned and be criticized AND we got to pay for all that yummy goodness.

Fun.

I called BHOI over the summer to make payment arrangements because TTC is not covered by insurance and M. and I are certainly not rolling in money. During the conversation with the very nice BHOI rep I became more and more upset that we had to pay someone to be mean to us. I finally broke down, cried and asked him if there was anything we could do.

There was. We challenged the charge.

After all, we had to go to another OB/GYN after Dr. Grandpa because he just didn't help us. I'm more than happy to sit down and have a conversation with Dr. Grandpa, bad analogies and all, but I don't want to pay $350 to do it.

I got a call on Tuesday from the patient advocate at BHOI and they are writing off the charge.

Who says the little gal can't win.

Danger! Unmedicated Birth Ahead!

I want to add a disclaimer that I support people making medical decisions that work for them. This is why I chose to use the term unmedicated birth versus natural birth. I feel it removes some of the judgement around the terminology. M. and I are chosing to work toward an umedicated birth because it is what we believe will be best for our baby but this doesn't mean it's an approach that will work for all birthing mothers.

For some time I've been noticing a certain response from people when M. and I emphasize how important having an unmedicated birth is for us. I find that we are treated like our desire to reduce interventions and not use medications means we will also make irresponsible decisions when it comes to the health and safety of our son. Then people feel the need to educate us about the consequences of our decisions, assuming that we simply don't know.

Okay.

First, working toward an unmedicated birth CAN be done alongside interventions. They might make it more challenging but it is not an either/or choice. One can have ultrasounds and an induction and still do all things in her power to have a unmedicated vaginal birth. These are not mutually exclusive things and no one has to make a choice of one or another.

I am tired of the assumption that our decision to work toward an unmedicated birth will cloud our judgement when it comes to the health and well-being of our son. I'm tired of being treated like I'm both stupid and unrealistic about what we want for the birth. While there are certainly people who would put their baby in danger because of their ideology, those people primarily exist on television and occasionally are found in real life. If there is a moment where he is in danger, I will be the first person to say get him out. I'm a nurse, after all, and that makes me acutely aware of the safety of my family.

Let's talk about the interventions themselves. We have amazing medical advances that make it possible to see inside the womb. These interventions save lives, both of the mother and the baby. And that's really great. I mean awesome. But there is a downside to all these amazing medical advances, which is that they are not always 100% accurate and they may cause a doc to respond to a perceived danger sooner than needed. This leads to an increase in interventions that may have not been necessary. There is so much more of a chance of being subjected to unnecessary interventions than our boy's life being threatened.

If a situation arises where he is no longer safe inside my uterus, I know that M. and I will make the right decision. After all, we love him and we want him to be with us forever. And just because we want to minimize interventions and work toward an empowering, unmedicated birth doesn't mean we've lost sight of all that.

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

Sophia needs love from the blogosphere because their second round of IVF is kaput.

The world of TTC is a cruel one. There are people who have an easy time. There are people who struggle. Then there are people who have put so much heart and soul into creating a child and having a family that it feels like the universe owes them. You root for them and look forward to the day that they can finally move forward into parenting.

The universe owes Sophia and Mikey. The problem is that the universe hasn't realized how big of a debt it owes yet.

Ultrasound Numero Five

When we got pregnant I honestly expected one or two ultrasounds, then we'd meet little boy when he arrived. It's not working out quite that way. We had number five yesterday and will probably have around ten by the time we're done. The fun of the high risk pregnancy.

The reason for the recent peek into his world was that he dropped from the 70th/80th percentile four weeks ago to the 50th percentile two weeks ago. They, being the ever curious docs, wanted to make sure his growth wasn't slowing more.

Little boy is good.

He's four pounds, five ounces, and still in the 50th percentile. Mama is happy that he's not an overachiever in the area of growth. He still has ten fingers, ten toes, two lips, one four-chambered heart and he's still uber cute. His nose was squished up against the wall of my uterus. Poor little guy is running out of room.

It's funny. Part of me is terrified of all the ultrasounds because I know the path it can lead down...interventions galore, induction when not necessary, everything we don't want. But as long as the results are okay, it's nice to know how LB is doing.

Little boy kicks 'hello' to the blogosphere and mama is off to do prenatal torture...I mean yoga.

The JOY of Pregnancy

Can you note sarcasm on a blog? I'm not talking the joy of cooking and certainly not the joy of sex.

Some major pain has set in. I think it might be sciatica considering that it's primarily in my L buttock and shooting down my left leg. I worked the last couple days and spent a lot of time sitting on a hot pack. I can't lie on my L side without pain. I can't roll over at night without a great deal of wimpering. I'm 100% certified pathetic.

What do I do when I have pain? Take arms against a sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them!

I made an appointment with a chiropractor recommended by midwife Sally a long time ago. I'm going this AM. I'm going to call my acupuncturist and see if I can get an emergency appointment. I'm going to kick this pain in the ASS (he he).

I have five weeks plus two days more of work to get through and I really don't want to have to leave early except for bedrest. Hopefully some treatment and a lot of Tylenol will get me through.

Baby Love

It must be the hormones, but I have fallen madly in love with our little boy like no one would believe. He's not even here and I've become a complete and utter babbeling idiot when it comes to him. All I can think about is him. Not only is he the cutest, smartest baby ever, I LOVE LOVE LOVE him, and I haven't even seen him yet.

M. says I said this earlier this week and is not sure that it needs to be said again. See, that' show baby crazy I am...all I want to do is tell the world how MUCH he's adored.

So, consider this post like most sex scenes in movies...completely gratuitous!

Dinner with DtD

M. and I have dinner with DtD and BF tonight. I'm excited because although we talk regularly, we haven't seen that much of them since we got pregnant.

It's funny because M. and I both have this neurotic obsession with keeping DtD from seeing that I'm pregnant. When picking out my outfit tonight, I chose one that makes me look not SO pregnant. We didn't want him to see the PILES of diapers in the dining room the last time he took care of the cats. I keep telling M. that at some point he'll actually see we have a baby.

I was thinking it through this morning and I think I've figured it out. DtD wants kids. Not just kids...bio babies. He's given us what he wants. I'm not worried about him taking little boy away. I just hate the fact that I feel like we're hurting him, especially after everything he's done for us. It's hard to feel that you have hurt someone who you care about.

It's hard because we don't know what the future holds. I think when little boy is here and we all settle into our roles, things will be okay. In the meantime, this situation requires a certain amount of trust.

Maternity Leave and Being an RN

Per Mermaidgrrrl's request, time to talk about how my grand country treats its babies.

The States has total and utter crap for maternity leave. End of story. Which is entirely embarrassing considering how much wealth and privilege exist in this country. It is clearly wealth and privilege at the expense of our citizens and ultimately our children.

Everyone in the States is eligible for what is called the Family Medical Leave Act. This is time that you can take off work for family emergencies, medical issues and birth. You get twelve weeks. The time is unpaid. The benefit of FMLA is that your employer can't fire you while you're gone. Oh, and you get to keep your insurance. Goody.

There is no paid leave in the U.S. Okay, I'm wrong. I think California will give you six weeks of your salary which you can stretch out over twelve weeks. Other than that you can either go onto short term disability in some states or you have nothing.

In our case, I have nothing from the state.

So how do we do maternity leave? Well, clearly, some new mothers in this country don't really get much. I personally know people who are back to work four or six weeks after birth. In my case, I have about two months of sick/vacation/holiday time saved up. I'm eligible for the twelve weeks because of FMLA, but my union has negotiated that I can take four months. I'll be taking the four months off and my employer (the state) will stretch my leave over that time but let me keep my full-time status.

The good news is that Washington State is taking up the issue of giving paid maternity leave and there is some movement on the federal level as well.

Being an RN and Pregnant

Mermaidgrrrl said that in Australia nurses aren't allowed to work past 32 weeks unless they have a note from a doc. That is incredibly civilized. My government has no such concerns regarding my health.

Being an RN bring a certain amount of risk to the pregnancy beyond just the simple high rate of workplace violence or the inherent stres of the job. The main one is preterm labor. There is a higher rate of preterm labor amongst nurses, primarily because we have a job that requires us to be on our feet for hours upon hours. My country has decided that protecting nurses is not as important and that long NICU stays for preterm infants and the burden to the state of life-long disabilities from babies being born too early are acceptable costs.

But that's pretty typical of the U.S. healthcare system. We hide our costs. We accept people using the emergency room for their primary care, waiting until they are terminally ill before seeking help, and the cost burden that places on the system because over our dead bodies will we actually help people in need. Pull yourself up from your bootstraps, and out of the that crack house, and away from sexual and physical abuse and make something of yourself. And if you happen to NOT be able to get out of the life you were simply born into? Well, fuck off.

I'll work until 38 weeks.

I do this knowing that I'm sacrificing time with our son, but I think it's the best choice I can possibly make. I can't leave earlier because it will deeply cut into my time at home. Most people in the States will work until their water breaks, and there are nurses on my floor who did just that.

The saving grace? I only ever work two days in a row. Yes, they are twelve hour shifts, but studies have shown a reduction in preterm labor with being on the floor fewer days. And thanks to all my unplanned ultrasounds, I know that my cervix is still nice and long.

The downside. I'm fucking tired, and my job means that my days off are usually spent recovering, not being useful. This makes things very hard for M. who is left holding up the household and all the work we need to do at home and I lie blotto on the couch.

Okay, end of rant. That's our shitty healthcare system, our shitty lack of care for new mothers and the needs of children. It's just shitty all around.